Wrote this adoring letter to my pal the Computer Hacker who prints up car insurance, thanking him for favor he did for my dear old father.
Dear SAM AND PHONY BALONEY INSURANCE COMPANY: Your PHONY CAR INSURANCE isn't phony. IT worked! That stuff you made up on your computer and laser printed out for my father? HE took it into the DMV and now he, (blind at 90, woozy, driving 10 cylinder 60's caddie,) and his 2 pot-smoking high risk-driver children, have a total of three cars registered thanks to you. How much does my dad owe you, 15$ a piece? CHICKEN FEED. Cheap at any price.
I gotta tell you, My Dad is one happy customer. ALL THREE car insurance policies you made up for him and his two pot head, hoodlum, teen aged high-risk driver children and their total of three cars were happily accepted by the DMV. This is a kind of State Stupidity record. I think my father could be persuaded to do a TV commercial for you. As I have kind of a cinematic inventiveness, let me design your first TV ad. And Big Al, my father will star in it.
SCENE: OLD MAN IN DRIVEWAY WITH CAR. 92 year old Big AL stands by his 35 year old flame red Cadillac Convertible. He takes off his bi-focals, throws his Sinatra scarf back over shoulder.
PAN IN to this big shit-eating grin. He is leering like a wolf. "I'm ninety + and a high risk driver. WHY AM I SMILING? Because I qualified for CAR INSURANCE for FIFTEEN DOLLARS A YEAR. He holds up the phony car insurance. "CAN YOU TELL WHICH ONE was made on SAM's COMPUTER last night? He holds the real policy from last year and the phony one up to camera and smiles that inimitable FAT ALBERT smile. "Bet you can't. The employee at the DMV sure couldn't!"
"Hi, I'm BIG AL and I'm a smart shopper.. You folks aren't gonna believe this but I just saved myself $600 a year times three which means 1800 smackolas$ Actually as my kids are all high risk drivers, more like TEN THOUSAND, huh? huh? And I did this using Sam's Phony Balony Insurance.
Now this is no baloney. This stuff works. It looks like insurance, and it passes cops' inspection like real insurance and I say if it swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, and flies like a duck it's a GODDAMN DUCK!
ENTER TWO hoodlum children, gang jackets, shoulder holsters, reefers. They examine insurance. The peroxide blonde girl says "DAD, this is So totally KEWL."
AL: "If you love your family, insure their cars with SAM'S PHONY BALONEY POLICIES. It fools COPS. It fools DMV employees. IT WILL FOOL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE DRIVING with it, your kids, your wife. Of course, my children are hoodlums so I let them in on it. Anyway, it's all perfectly legal because you see this PBI at the bottom, here? Stands for PHONY BALONEY INSURANCE! It tells you what it is. Like rubber money printed, 'NOT MEANT TO BE REAL', HUH? FOOLED YA!!! APRIL'S FOOL! NO LEGAL PROBLEMS almost ---providing you use it properly.
The point is. Fuzz are dumb. Pigs are dumb. Judges are dumb. CHIPS are DUMB. DMV employees,...well, you know THEY are DUMB!!!! DUMB DUMB and DUMBER! WOULD YOU WORK AT THE DMV IF YOU HAD a BRAIN in your SKULL? So folks, trust Sam's Phony Baloney Insurance. We do it in on a real laser printer, and give you a realistic little card you can stick in your windshield, another for your glove compartment. Has all that facty stuff on it, this fabulous driving record, we stick in the car's VIN NUMBER, its plates and how many cylinders and stuff and mostly Sam gets it right. HEY, YOU'D BE CRAZY to pay today's prices for insurance. And you'd be crazy not to look up SAM THE MAN.
But when we say use your insurance properly, we mean use it to get your car registered. As for driving with it....Do yourself a favor. If you get PHONY BALONEY insurance ---drive disposable cars. 'Cause if you really hit someone, kiss that smogger goodbye. Yeah you just gotta walk away from the accident because if they catch your forging ass you're going to do serious time in ALCATRAZ.
Then we cut to a scene of this huge accident. Phony Al gets out of the car, stands there scratching his head like 'how did that happen?'. The other driver gets out and asks for his insurance. Both cars are smashed to blazes. Phony Al says, "Got some water? Jeez, just a second. I gotta take a heart pill. Need water!" He goes into Donut shop and out the back door and down the alley. Camera dollies after him. He is jogging like Carl Lewis, receding down the horizon like a dot getting smaller and smaller.
Camera catches up to him? Al barely breaks his stride, "PHONY BALONY insurance has other perks for its users. It motivates you to get fit, work out at the gym, jog daily, get in shape. SO, remember. Who's the wiser? It it flies at the DMV, it suits ME! And he jogs off like Wily Coyote.
NOW WE GO BACK TO THE ACCIDENT and police are staring at the phony insurance and phony car title and the plates have turned to butter and are melting and the harassed driver is pulling his hair out. "IT's ALL BOGUS???" he wails. Cop says "None of the names are real. There is no such street."
BACK TO AL in the original shot. He takes off a pair of gloves. "ALWAYS drive with gloves! No prints. "
CAR ACCIDENT. Cops are dusting the car for prints. It's now midnight. The other driver is pounding his head on a telephone pole.
BACK TO BIG AL. "Now I ask you, FIFTY TWO MILLION CALIFORNIAS are insured. Does the state of California need ONE MORE INSURED DRIVER??? I don't think so, huh!!!! At this point, Al's two children join him, with all their little teen-aged, creep friends and they have these two LOW RIDERS.
And hey, if you have any problem smogging it? I got this Lebanese guy with a smog shop in Fountain Valley---he'd smog a Nike Tennis Shoe!
Al and the two kids and chums get into three huge automobiles and vavoom off down the street. Huge clouds of smog cloud them out of sight.
(COUGHING) ANGRY PRISSY YENTA: "yeah, but what if everybody did that Huh? HUH??"
SMART SHOPPER LADY corrects her, saying "you're not thinking this out. That's precisely the reason that Everyone should insure with Sam--
TWO CARS CRASH. The drivers get out, angry, screaming. Each says he has to go take a heart pill. They have this moment of recognition, start laughing and say to one another, "you insure with SAM?" And they laugh and embrace. They go into do-nut shop together and have coffee and donuts and one man offers a fanned out wad of twenties saying 'I got a bumper guy, he'll replace that fender for a finski." Nah, it's not so much needing to be replaced as just needs some bondo, get it straightened out for twenty bucks." He takes a twenty from the fanned out money. They click coffee cups toasting the policies.
Birds sing happily and the sun shines " SAM'S PHONY BALONEY INSURANCE,--- THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF EVERYONE HAD IT."