: HOW TO GET FREE MONEY!

All your ancestors have been taxed to the point of poverty. You'd have inherited the value of a dozen houses in your family if it weren't for the GOV sticking its hand in so it could wreak wars on poor third world countries. SO I advise going to Welfare, DPSS, SSA. DEPT of REHAB, MEDICARE.....the whole nine yards.

Well, knowing this, a 55 yr old pal, mistreated in HORRIBLE ways by his boss, who broke all the LABOR and union rules, now home, very ill for months on end --asked me if I thought his illness was bad enough to get SSI (disability). I said no, because it's not CANCER or MENINGITIS. It's more like burn out. Then he asked,  could he act crazy and get Psych disability? And how should he play it at the shrink's office? Well, half jocular but not really, ya know,  I shot him an email: SUBJECT:  WHAT TO SAY TO GET SSI MONEY FOR BEING PSYCHO!!

1.) BE THE PARANOID HYPOCHONDRIAC
Always have another person make the initial phone call for you.
He should say 'you gotta see poor Mark, he's wandering streets
he eats very strange things. I had to take a can of drano from him.

Then you, Mark, GO IN and you say: 
"I'm not psycho
I'm _sick_
i have bugs eating me out to the walls.
no kiddin
they chew.
i can feel it in my gut
at nite i think i can hear the
chewing of thousands of them
gush gush chew chew, chomp chomp

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THE OTHER PERSON CALLS UP SSI sez
you put foil on all your windows. Even if a friend
calls his name at front door, he won't open it more
than a crack. Now, You go in as The PARANOID POLITICAL LISTER
and you say "I'm not psycho, I'm being chased by
the CIA. I was on this list that
said 911 was rigged. I answered, put
in my two bits worth.
Instantly my PC began to work on its own
wasn't doing nuttin it would just
do things by itself.
Now I check my car for bombs. That does not
make me crazy it makes me realistic.

DOCTOR; foil on walls?
YOU: well yeah, cuz who knows what
conversation they're listening to. They
built gulags you know, all those old army
bases are concentration camps.

DOCTOR You no longer go to work?
YOU: Yeah well ..My boss was reporting to them.
I'd see him on the cell phone looking at me
and his lips were moving and he'd say
mark mark i can read lips mark is real easy
mark. (goldfish lip movement)

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PALS call up first, say that you won't
sleep without a friend in the room in case
you stop breathing.

THE DYING MAN SYNDROME
DOC: Your friend tells me that you are afraid to
go to sleep.

YOU: Yeah cuz IF I sleep i'll die. They put something
in my food.i don't know how they got to me, but it's
activated by sleep. I was born stillborn but they woke
me up somehow so this is my problem for life. I am not
meant to be here and Death is trying to grab me.

SO HOW DO YOU REST? Doctor asks. You reply
VERY CAREFULLY!

DOCTOR: Won't all that staying awake kill you?

YOU: Not if I'm careful. I SLEEP and I watch myself continuously
and make sure I don't stop breathing. --
The first time I find myself suffocating, man I wake up!
They're not gettin' me!
Trouble is --I notice that this suffocation stunt mainly happens when I eat
oatmeal at bedtime.

DOCTOR: WHAT DOES?
The sleep apnea. The suffocating.
DOCTOR: So that's easy , quit eating oatmeal.
Nahhhh. I LIKE OATMEAL. I mean I REALLY LIKE IT! It's my bedtime ritual.
My trick to fool them is --I just keep buying new ones so that they
can't put anything in it. I clip coupons.
I ask my friend to clip coupons for oatmeal.
Cuz once a box is opened, I won't use it anymore.

DOCTOR; How many boxes of oatmeal do you have?
YOU: I'm afraid to look. Closets full. Rats come. I want the
FBI to go thru them if I die. Analyze the contents with CSI
See the FBI hates the CIA
just as much as I do, don't they? Have you heard that?
(earnest query but impassioned.)

If these scenarios don't please you, I gotta
million of 'em.

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