A couple of years ago, I asked all my astrology clients for LOVELORN stories  as grist for the mill at my LUCK IN LOVE DOT COM WEBSITE and I said "don't worry; I won't print your true names, just your questions and my answers. Two women answered immediately, reeled out their tales of love gone sour; I got a great column out of it.

Annie wrote me, telling me that her affair had gone bust after one extremely HOT DATE saying "Now the bad thing is, we live on the same street. He started his pursuit (?) last year and it turned sexual in January. For an hour or two. Then he kinda didn't call me any more. I guess we both have intimacy issues." HMMMM. The book "HE JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU " hadn't been published back then. Good thing --or that's what I'd have told her to read.

She continued: "I've only been in love once before, so this isn't something like some women say.... oh but this time!!!!! This is only my second time. But, he gives me no feedback... closed book all the way, but he keeps coming back as a friend. " Turned out his 'returns' were like bumping into one another on the street." HER EMAIL MONNIKER was FLAME Mc BAIN but her real name was something as ordinary as Marjorie Mousekin. Annie F-----. So I DID A LOVELORN column on the whole non event, saying:

"An astrology client of mine with the unlikely name of FLAME MC BAIN just had a quick friendship that went from hot to cold overnight. She unfortunately made this error with a  guy who lives on her street. He lost interest at a rather crucial TIME. After he had SAMPLED her wares!  (I guess it's true; MEN want what they CANNOT have. Not what they CAN HAVE.) Now this guy is her neighbor and the affair is colder than that baked potato at the back of my fridge only she has to see him every day! So I wrote the poor child a POME!

Flame Mc Bain
lit a match
under a muscular hunk.
She soon found this 'catch'
wasn't a match...
the guy was a pedigreed SKUNK.

Scarse she'd lit up
this hunky punk PUP
when she noticed her own socks on fire.
Flame Mc Bain lay writhing in pain,
impaled on her own DESIRE.

This girl learned the pain of lost love
and now's scared of being the rolled one!
Like the cat that jumped up on hot stove,
Now she won't even leap up on cold one!

* * * * * *''

SHE WROTE me back saying she loved the poem. So hey, I'm a sharing kind of gal. (spell that  'HAM') I sent it to my list of female astrology clients with a warning to all women, no free samples until he's mad about you, deeply in friendship with you. I recounted her sad love experience as an amusing story, and hey, I'm not BUM! I did not give her real name which is Annie F------. right? but I called her  THE FLAME monniker as hey it was her email addie. (FLAME MC BAIN).

Now, what I DID NOT KNOW was two things. A.) HER BEST CHUM was on my list and B.) she had some kind of NOVELLA online that she dreamt up a COMIC BOOK about a mother/daughter madame hooker business in New Orleans. SHE HAD TOLD me it was a comic book I think cuz that stuck in my mind. I didn't ever realize it was HER comic book! I thought it was something out in the world at large that kids read today that was well known  That her MONNIKER was something kids knew about SO I TELL MY LIST "SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE or before COMMITMENT FROM A MAN, BEFORE VOWS OF COMMITTMENT is a no no , you break a rule of love when you give samples, you'll hurt emotionally for a year after even one contact and then I say: READ THE POEM and I add that she did ask for the fifteen dollar HOW TO GET LUCKY AT LOVE JUNE BRIDE special so maybe she's not totally scarred and there's hope....

I e-mail it a hundred girls. I call this a "WITCH PITCH!" Yep, meaning you internet an AD that is prettily formatted, colorized, with a graphic if possible, doing a mass mailout to your net lists, your net clients and for Craigs list (my websites can get on cuz there is no www on them so craigs' robot  can't see them. If a quickie mail out has some juice, girls can be SEDUCED into INSTANT  MOVEMENT to go with you. How is a witch pitch ad not like LIFE? JUICE is everything.

I create new witch pitches every few months. Say the larder is low, Kitties are mewing w. hunger. I do a juicy ad. GOT one ad called the DHARMA KARMA reading, ANOTHER called  THE MISSION POSSIBLE Reading.  HILARIOUS ads and they all get those pesky clients to cough up a wee check or PAYPAL me some bucks so I start the star work and GET SOME CAT FOOD! Little though she is, Miss Roxie Delilah and her siblings EAT!

Got about 7 cats now, maybe 8 ---I don't count. ANYWAY, that week I WAS TURNING IN BOTTLES! Owed a lot of rent.

SO OK. Cut to the chase. THEN NEXT THING I KNOW, knock on my front door and I swear, these two little old GNOME people from SHERMAN OAKS, her parents, hand me a #(%(%*#( SUBPOENA!! I invite them in for cookies and milk, they refuse looking at me in paranoia and disgust and they scuttle down the path like two reptiles.

Ten second laster, I am ON the FLOOR, I swear, as I feverishly read it. I am asked to get my butt to small claims court on a coming date  as this lady FLAME MC BAIN wants 5 THOUSAND DOLLARS (I own one thing... a 23 yr old 4 cylinder car, so fat chance!) for...GET THIS!---" DEFORMATION of her character" LITERATE SHE AIN'T!

And in the brief it says that I dared to use HER PEN NAME!! She's suing me for putting her PEN NAME ON THE NET! Which I thought was a comic book! And as for DEFORM...I didn't deform her, --- those gnome parents did And a PEN NAME is like MARK TWAIN if you're lucky and your book sells!

The name of this comic book heroine FLAME is not a pen name! It was a character in something she had written. SO I nearly fall dead on floor from stress of HOW WILL I DRIVE TO A COURT without tags....THEN next morning, there's a phone ringing. JUDGE JUDY's PRODUCER saying to me that they want the case on their show. HOW EMBARASSSSSSSSING! OH NO, she says, wonderful! DULLY I REALIZE (as she tells me,) that I will escape having to pay 5k damages if I lose. JUDGE JUDY kindly PAYS!  AND I get 500$ for showing up, win or lose. SO OK. I agree. I get off the floor. And quickly I CREATED a WEBSITE to take advantage of 22 million people watching, the "LUCK IN LOVE WEBSITE" Full of the RUTHLESS RULES OF ROMANCE, HOW TO MARRY A BILLIONAIRE, all that stuff. Cost my daughter Paloma 80$ bucks but the prospect of national TV motivated her to buy me my website, and pay a year ahead. It motivated ME to find every HTM article on MEN, ROMANCE and FTP them and get this GIANT LOGO ON A T SHIRT, LUCK IN LOVE DOT COM!

CUT TO THE CHASE: ON CAMERA, a month later, JUDGE JUDITH (I would call her!) absolutely CHEWS FLAME OUT for even SUPPOSING any words she put on the INTERNET were protected by any kind of copyright! WATCHING JUDITH take Flame down  was like being in SICILY when VESUVIUS blew and getting to watch POMPEII from a safe distance. OUCHEY!

AND they paid me 500$ for showing up in their HOLLYWOOD studios, about 20 miles from my Valley rented cottage. HALF A MONTH's rent! And I had been like a month behind right then and was really sweating it. THANK YOU GOD!  UNFORTUNATELY none of my "ANNOUNCE THE WEBSITE TO 22 MILLION PEOPLE- PLANS" materialized. They don't let you wear a T SHIRT with on it or even LUCK IN LOVE! NADA/ BUPKES/ ZIP. NIENTE! Or even breathe its name.

I know, cuz I mentioned it in the POST SHOW EXIT INTERVIEW They edited it out! (sigh)

That's how I joked about Flame Mc Bain got BURNT, but lived to be glad I shot from the hip truthfully and with wit, in the first place. IT PAYS to be HONEST and IMPETUOUS if you do it with the zeitgeist of the DEDICATED TEACHER! Which I truly am.