The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Afterwards, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

"When I hold mass," he replied, "I keep a glass on the pulpit. Most people think it contains water but, I have to let you in on my secret, the stuff inside is vodka. So, when I feel a bit nervous, I take a sip and it settles me down quite nicely."

So, the next Sunday, the young priest followed the monsignor's advice. He was as nervous as before and took a drink. He talked up a blue streak! When he returned to his office after mass, there was a note slipped under the door. It said:

1. I said sip the vodka not gulp it down.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey... he didn't bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as JC and the boys.
7. We do not refer to the Father, Son and Holy Ghost as Big Daddy, Junior and Spook.
8. David was struck by a rock and knocked off his donkey... he wasn't stoned off his ass.
9. David slew Goliath... he didn't kick hell out of him.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he didn't say, "Take this and eat me."
12. The recommended grace at meals is not, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
13. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's....not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.