A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
    The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
    "Never Father, I'm Jewish."
    "So then, why are you telling me?"
    "I'm telling everybody."

No doubt some Bible societies will feel compelled to publish a new translation of the Holy Scriptures in the newly discovered language of Ebonics.
Here is a head start for them:
 

When he was feeling blue or stressed out at work he would chew on the cap, gnawing away, like a dog on one of those bones made out of rawhide.

The pen was a white stick pen, originally from some hotel, but the lettering had long worn off.

The cap, a bright grass green was permanently squished onto the back end of the pen, and over the months split and deformed into a kind of jester's cap. A bit of saliva kept it moist and glistening.

Having a chewy pen had advantages.

No one would take the pen and "accidentally" walk off with it, like what always happened to Don, Rob's co-worker. Also, people soon learned to bring their own pens into Rob's area. The thought of touching the thing was too repulsive.

When people first met the chewy pen their first reaction was always one of shock.

"What is that?" they would say, their lips curling up in disgust.

"It's my chewy pen," Rob would say cheerfully, and give a brief demonstration.

One day the chewy pen was not there.

Rob didn't pay too much attention, it was a busy day and he was sure it would show up. It always did.

After all, who would take it?

Don recalled later seeing the pen without the cap by the printer. He didn't say anything at the time, and later felt guilty, because, hey, he could have been the last person to actually see the pen.

It was only a few days later that Rob realized that it was gone. "Where's my chewy pen?" he cried. "I need my chewy pen!"

He tried gnawing on the table, but it wasn't the same.

No accusations were made, just a few hurt stares.

The chewy pen never showed up.

Months later Adrienne admitted that on that busy day she had seen the cap of chewy pen on the floor. Laughing, she said that "there was no way" she was going to pick it up,
and instead kicked it under the table.

Rob had no choice but to make a new chewy pen.

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

1. BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
2. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
3. According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20 was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
4. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
5. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
6. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
7. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
8. In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

    "In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.  "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."  Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing.  I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.  I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.  After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art.  Please give generously' and left me there."
    "People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

            Scene 1
    A guy tells his wife he's going bowling for a few hours as he steps out of their 5th story apartment building. After carefully going around the block, the man sneaks back up into the building, kicks open the door, sees two used champagne glasses, and yells "Where is he?!?"
    Innocently, his wife asks "Where's who? What are you talking about?"
    "I know you're having an affair! Where is he?" says the man, who's now searching under the bed.
    "There's no one here but us, honest!"
    Just at that moment, the husband looks out of the window and sees a lone cab pulling out of the driveway, so he grabs the refrigerator and throws it out of the window.
            Scene 2
    St. Peter walks up to some guy that's really screwed up, and asks him "What happened to you?"
    "Well, I was in a cab and someone threw a refrigerator on me."
    St. Peter, looking shocked, tells the man to "Go on in." and he proceeds further down the line to someone who looks worse than the last guy. "What happened to you?!?"
    "I don't know, I was in a refrigerator and someone threw me out of a window!"

    A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.  Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Mom probably calls your Daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

MEMO: Urgent, Year 2000 Update
    This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).
    Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.  This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
    Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me “I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before.” I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went as far as to say that
after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
    I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
    We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MYASS.”
    This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSH and ISO audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated “Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS.”

    A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife answers.  “Hi, is Tony home?”  “No, Chris, he went to the store.”  “Well, do you mind if I wait?” “No, come on in.” They sit down and the friend says, “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”  Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together.” Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.  A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says, “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

    A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he had just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
    The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
    He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
    Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
    “I thought I told you to call your mom,” she says.
    “I did," he says. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.”

    Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn't get the attention of the men.  Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea.   "Why don't we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room?"  The second woman agreed that this might work.
    The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.
    One man turned to the other and said,  "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past  us?"  The other one said, "I think so, but what the hell was she wearing?"
    The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needs ironing!"

    An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.  "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times.  What can I do?"
    "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson.  Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
    The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell  terrible!  What do you have to say for yourself?"
    "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

    On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.  "Oh,
oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
    Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
    She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.  He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".  He beams and asks, "Why?"
    She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
    The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.  When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
    The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.  The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

    Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
    The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
    The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
    At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
    He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"