The Little Johnny Page
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would
fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But
I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking
her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which
one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the
one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And
on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived.
One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her.
"I think God lives in the sky, because that is where
heaven is." the girl replied.
"That's good!" said the teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher
called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked.
Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each
of our hearts!"
"That's VERY good," she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the
only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher
asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?"
"In the bathroom." he said.
"In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable
to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the
bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
Little Johnny was playing outside in the garden
one day when he pulled a worm from it's wormhole. Johnny's grandfather,
who had seen the whole incident approached Johnny with a devious grin upon
his face. He placed a $10 bet with Johnny that Johnny wouldn't
be able to put the wriggly worm back into it's hole. Johnny gleefully
accepted the wager and proceeded to the house with the worm in his hand.
It wasn't long until Johnny came back from inside the house and carefully
threaded the worm back into it's hole. His grandfather gazed
in awe at this amazing feat and told Johnny that he would give him the
$10 if Johnny explained to him
exactly how he managed to thread the worm back into it's hole.
Johnny proceeded to tell his grandfather about how
he sneaked into his sister's room and covered the worm with his sisters
hair spray until the worm was rock hard so that he could simply thread
the worm back into it's hole.
His grandfather duly honored his word and handed
the money over to Johnny.
The next morning Johnny was out playing in the garden
again when his grandfather gleefully approached him and handed him a crisp
ten dollar bill, but Johnny being the honest young lad that he was, handed
the money back to his grandfather and told his grandfather that he had
already paid him yesterday. His grandfather replied; "Yes but this is from
your grandmother".
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of
moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before
dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty
soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight,
Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All
of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones,
I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use
is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're
an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful"
in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned
a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent,
Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,
"I need a man, I
need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing
this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her
moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little
Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly
reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees
started swirling around,
annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His
father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of
thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some
butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his
feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought,
said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking
dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen
floor. She began stomping
on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother
looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To
which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me
to?"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex
education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's
propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout
the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher
asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in
her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much
fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone
Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they
all attacked at one time. And
he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what
does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the
Lone Ranger."
The third grade teacher was teaching English and
repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white
as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed
to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the
lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry
or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little
pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled
her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or
prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "Asshole."
