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Light-hearted Limericks

Ode to the Remington

The Colonel's a man with good taste, 
With appeal and charm, he's been graced.
He looks so delightful,
No one could be spiteful,
And more than one bad guy, he's faced.

His Outlaw is simply the best,
(and looks great with his dovetails and vest).
So, villains, beware,
And please have a care
if you challenge this man to the test!

The Remington's favored by pro's,
And the Colonel assures us, he knows
That those using old Sharps,
Will be playing their harps,
And telling St. Peter their woes!

Some men pack a mighty big gun,
and flashing their "weapon" is fun.
But if you want to measure
a source of great pleasure,
Clay's Remington Outlaw's the one!

Artistic Temperaments

As a rule, I paint portraits with ease,
But this challenge had me on my knees...
When he offered to pose,
What possessed me, lord knows!
Some people aren't easy to please....

I'd really been trying my best,
But the Colonel, as you know, is blessed
With a look of calm rapture
That's tricky to capture,
For the weary, it seems there's no rest.

Mr. Mosby enjoys being heard;
To HIS judgment, mine's often deferred.
He guards his domain,
And he drives me insane,
And usually has the last word:

"I could be a little more slim,
My mustache and beard need a trim,
And would it look bad
If, maybe, I had
An expression that wasn't so grim?

The forehead's a little too high,
There's a twinkle in only one eye....
That amber-gold highlight
Should sparkle like twilight,
Not look like I'm ready to cry!

Let's consider the question of height.
Are you sure you're not losing your sight???
From Springtime till Fall,
I posed au natural
Just so you'd get everything right.

Your studio's like a cold dorm
Where snowflakes and icicles form.
I know this sounds crass,
But I'm freezing my ass
While you're inside, cozy and warm!

Now of certain details, I'm quite proud;
You can see that I'm quite well endowed
With a strong sense of style,
And irresistible smile
That's been known to attract quite a crowd....

All right, ladies, now what did I miss?
Someone's hand I've neglected to kiss?
You know I'd feel bad
If I thought that I had
Left you in a state less than bliss!"

Then, somehow, he found out my intention
To create him in full three-dimension:
"How about a bronze cast?"
His answer was fast,
And most of it too rude to mention....

"Is this how you girls treat your Master?
By drowning me in cold, wet plaster???
If it's spread on too thickly,
It hardens too quickly
And that could be total disaster!!!"

My spirits were rapidly sinking.
I wasn't sure what he was thinking....
"I could mold you in clay --
Clever, wouldn't you say?"
He looked at me like I'd been drinking.

My plan for his statue was fine
Provided I'm toeing HIS line...
Let's avoid any scrimmage
On questions of image,
Especially when dealing with mine!

"I s'pose you think this game is fun,"
He said, knowing he'd already won.
"If it's not a huge task,
Please, just do as I ask:
And I may let you play with my 'gun'."

(He loves to give me a hard time:)
"Whose portrait is this, yours or mine???
The legs are too short,
Now, be a good sport --
Better give my dress boots a spit shine."

There I stood with my ego deflated.
With his own secret plan, he's elated!
Now, remember, it's Clay,
And he does things his way,
Which often means something X-rated.

"One more thing, now," he smiled as he turned.
"You've worked hard, and I think that you've earned
A long ride in the park,
(that could last well past dark),
And by now I assumed that you've learned

That no matter what some people say,
I never forget a birthday!
Never mind evening chores,
let's go celebrate yours
In a most unforgettable way...."

(Now, you know I'm the soul of discretion,
But it's much more than just my impression
That Clay's quite a "Go-Getter" --
No one does it better
When proving he's worth the obsession!)

"Are you serious?" was my reply.
"Indeed" said the gleam in his eye.
He smiled with great charm
As he offered his arm,
"Come, Darlin', the evening is nigh...."



Bite Me

My dear Mizz Colleen, I must say,
With ideas and words, you've a way.
I'm a tough leading man,
And, of course, I'm a fan.
Now, a few brief remarks -- if I may....

I have just one brief passing thought:
In some odd situations I'm caught;
If it isn't too late,
My concerns I will state--
These crises have me overwrought!

I'm constantly stuck in these dramas,
Overloaded with turmoil and traumas.
I'm dealing with strife
That could shorten my life,
While you're pondering dashes and commas.

You always have me in some mood...
You'd think I did nothing but brood!
Now what harm could there be
If you just wrote for me
A scene where I don't come unglued???

I'm portrayed as a villainous cad,
Or an outlaw who's morbidly sad...
Your work I respect,
But wouldn't object
If I didn't look stark raving mad!

Even fictional heroes need change
To develop their artistic range.
Though I'm always attracted
To drama well-acted,
These plots, you'll admit, do sound strange...

There are all kinds of things you could write
To show me in a flattering light:
I'm a tough power-broker,
And damn good at poker,
And never retreat from a fight.

I'm known for my rapier wit,
(And a smoldering look that won't quit!)
If your readers can see
The Romantic in me
It won't hurt my feelings one bit!

While I know I'm not all that athletic,
In some scenes there is something magnetic -
My panache with a sword
Is admired and adored;
My opponents look downright pathetic!

"Course, practice is always a "must"!
I don't want my "saber" to rust...(ha ha)
I want every move
To defiantly prove
That it's more than just "parry" and "thrust"...

I know, on occasion, you've chuckled
When I enter a melee bare-knuckled.
Just like Errol Flynn
My intention's to win,
(And to prove that my swash hasn't buckled!)

My Winchester's been a good friend,
And delivers the message I send.
But I cannot deny
The two things on which my
Reputation and image depend:

One "weapon" is bright nickel-plated,
(And the other's much more "celebrated")
I'll admit that it's fun
To wield a big gun
And with neither am I over-rated!!!

As far as sex goes, it's much more
Than rolling around with a whore.
I've a certain proclivity
For indoor activity;
I'd much rather make love than war...

On the subject of true love and passion,
Guess you could say I've had my ration.
Don't know what comes next,
But I'm sure I'll be vexed
And tormented in some bizarre fashion....

I must say, it's no great surprise
When I see that strange look in your eyes;
Don't know what you're planning,
What image you're scanning -
You're up to no good, I surmise...

Now, what's this weird thing you call "Slash"?
And I hope I'm not terribly brash
If I ask a few questions,
Or make some suggestions,
(Or, for the door, make a mad dash!!!)

Of affection, I've always been fond,
But I strongly suspect I've been conned:
You just had to confide
My more feminine side
To that flesh-eating, blood-sucking blond!!!

Now, Colleen, dear, you know it's unfair
Exposer mon petite derriere...
I've been tortured and teased
And I'm not at all pleased
To be trapped with my ass in the air!!!

Oh, I know there's no hard and fast rule,
But I'm starting to feel like a fool!
I know you'd be thrilled
Just to see me get drilled
By that four-hundred-plus-year-old ghoul!

Well, that was sure hard to predict!
My backside, you've more than just kicked...
And, like it or not
I can't find one spot
That hasn't been bit, sucked, or licked!

While my preferences may be in doubt,
Do you really think I'd take time out
From building my empire
To fondle a vampire?
And what's all this foreplay about???

Don't know at what rate this guy ages,
But I'll bet all my winnings and wages
That he'd be in my pants
At the very first chance
And it wouldn't take forty-two pages!!!

In regards to Letourne, let me say
In all fairness, there's really no way
He should sense some rejection
If his own erection
Won't last from September till May...

Let's try to be more realistic,
And maybe not quite so sadistic!
I've been tortured and tethered,
Cruel abuses I've weathered--
You won't stop till I go ballistic!!!

Now, Darlin', if you'd be so kind,
I don't think your readers would mind,
If you just write my story
Of courage and glory
And don't put me in such a bind...

I'm starting to look my real age!
(And I'm worried what's on the next page...)
Consider my plight;
There's so often a fight
And always some new war to wage...

Now, Ladies, you know I'm no fake,
But there's more than my image at stake;
I'm not all that fragile--
At my age, I'm agile,
But much more of this, I can't take!!!

And now there's this new girl named "Jess".
Where does she fit in? Wait! Let me guess...
And don't tell me you're not
Co-conspiring a plot
That involves some intrigue - more or less...

A sexy romance would be nice;
(Trust me, you won't have to ask twice!)
I could become fond
Of a willowy blond,
Though a slinky brunette would suffice...

But let's not burst the fantasy bubble;
I play high stakes - where risk is double;
I'm adventure-prone
And much more testosterone
Could get me in a great deal of trouble!!!

As a writer, you're admirably skilled.
Did I mention possessed and strong-willed?
Each well-chosen word
Has my legend assured
(And, hopefully, won't get me killed!!!)

Well now, Mizz Colleen, don't you think
My endurance is perched on the brink?
I wouldn't complain  
If you chose to abstain,
But right now, I could sure use a drink!

I sincerely hope you're not offended.
Your skills are so artfully blended.
As I've quite often said,
"By our visions we're led,
And all's well that is happily ended."

Advice to Lovers and Other Fools

Love is a form of amusement,
That chooses its players at random.
So far, it’s the only indoor sport I know
where the teammates compete while in tandem.

Love is a matter of duty,
Where pleasures are oftentimes sweet;
If he seldom complains of his own aches and pains,
You can finally stop rubbing his feet.

Love is a series of errors,
And most wrongs are easily righted.
You’ll know at a glance, if there’s even a chance
That you soon will be "Flying United".

Love, of course, isn’t all sex
And a blushing young bride just expects
That the man in her life will leave off on the strife,
Or he’ll, sure as hell, soon be her "Ex"!

Love is a great life-long mystery
Which doesn’t diminish with age.
It’s like a good book, where you’d love a quick look
Just to find out what’s on the next page….

Love is an unending struggle
That doesn’t let up for a minute!
But through darkness and light, never give up the fight –
You get out of life what you put in it.

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