This is a fan fiction story based on characters from the
Lonesome Dove television show,
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Several years ago a fellow Lonesome Dove list member, Allison, introduced the
idea of the Subreality Cafť to the list. The Cafť is a place where TV and movie
characters can step out of their roles and meet, have a drink, play cards, and
discuss the various versions of themselves. For instance, Lonesome Dove's
miniseries Newt Call (Rick Shroeder) can meet up with Lonesome Dove: The
Series Newt (Scott Bairstow), and/or the second season Lonesome Dove: The
Outlaw Years Bounty Hunter Call.
Will & Mosby at the Ambrosia Cafť
Will Truman is waiting at the door of the Cafť while the doorman studies his ID. Heís wearing his gray suit, pale yellow shirt and one of the two striped ties he owns. He is also carrying his briefcase.
The doorman says, "I know youíre not here for the contest."
"No," Will replies. "Iím meeting a new client here -- a Mr. Clay Mosby."
"Uh, the one that needs a lawyer, I suppose."
The doorman looks a little confused but lets Will past him.
Will goes in and takes stock of the place. There is an elegant bar to the left and a sweeping staircase rising up on the right. He approaches the bartender, who this night is Walter from La Femme Nikita.
"Iím here to meet Mr. Clay Mosby?"
Walter nods towards a back table where TOY Mosby is playing a game of solitaire. A glass of sipping whiskey (the good stuff) is at his elbow and he is smoking a slender cigar. He is wearing his dark red vest, a white ruffled shirt, black tie and pants. He looks good and he knows it.
Will notices a sign by the staircase pointing upstairs. It says:
Mosby Look-A-Like Contest Tonight
The only other customers downstairs are the two maiden ladies from TOY. They are wearing their matching maroon dresses and feathered hats. They are just finishing up their dessert and coffee.
Mosby rises as Will approaches. He holds out his hand and asks, "Mr. Truman?"
Will nods and replies, "Please, call me Will."
They shake hands and Mosby gestures to a chair, "Please, have a seat."
Walter comes over to take his drink order. Will orders a lattť with skim milk to which Walter replies, "We got coffee. Black or with cream."
Mosby recommends a good cognac (Martel XO), but Will tells him coffee will be just fine.
"Harlan speaks very highly of you, Will. Yours was the first name he dropped when I asked if he could recommend a good lawyer. He says I shouldnít let some details about your life keep me from retaining you."
Will raises his eyebrows.
"You know," Mosby continues. "Beiní a Yankee and all."
Willís eyebrows settle back down.
"Well, Mr. Mosby--"
"Please, call me Clay."
"Well, Clay, I hope I can live up to Harlanís recommendation because it certainly looks like you need a lawyer. It appears you are being sued by just about everybody."
Will tells Mosby that he has received the papers from everybodyís lawyers.
"Who have they got?" Mosby asked.
"A law firm out of Los Angeles," replies Will.
"Any good?" says Mosby
"Used to be," says Will. "They used to carry their time slot most of the time and they were in the top ten more then one season. They havenít been heard from for quite some time, but that doesnít mean they arenít still good."
Walter arrives with Willís coffee and a refill for Mosby. Will looks around and makes the observation that it seems quiet tonight. Walter nods and then says, "Most of the action is upstairs tonight. Thereís a Mosby Look-A-Like contest."
"Yes," says Will, "I saw the sign." He turns to Mosby and asks, "Why arenít you entered?"
Walter answers for him. "He canít enter -- heís a Mosby."
Mosby (glaring up at Walter) says emphatically, "I am not A Mosby. I am The Mosby."
Walter shrugs as if to say "Whatever you say" and goes back to the bar.
At this time, Luther enters escorting Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman. She is decked out in a bright canary yellow dress. She has a matching bow in her dark sausage curls. She is holding a lace fan in front her face as she looks up coquettishly at Luther. She bats her eyes and Luther smiles adoringly back. They head straight upstairs. Luther notices Mosby at the back table and nods a greeting. Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman folds up her fan and waves, giving Mosby a brilliant smile. Mosby rises, bows slightly and smiles politely.
After they go upstairs, Will asks, "Is that a woman?"
"Opinions vary," replies Mosby.
"Now, down to business," Will states. "Letís see, first thereís the wrongful termination suit being brought against you by your former sheriff Austin Peale. He claims you fired him and almost had him hung for something he didnít do."
Mosby (looking thoroughly disgusted) replies, "Austin was taking bribes. That resulted in him releasing two wanted men who proceeded to beat me half to death, rob my saloon, and kill my bartender. Heís lucky I didnít hang him!"
"He claims you knew he was taking bribes and looked the other way."
"Oh, hogw Ö I mean balderdash!" Mosby exclaims.
Will says, "Well, I donít see much to worry about here. Especially with bribe-taking and all."
"Good," says Mosby, a little relieved.
"Letís seeÖthe next case is Amanda Carpenter Smith Lewis & Clark, etc.," says Will as he looks over the papers. "Sheís suing you for fraud. She claims you told her you would get back her hotel for her but that you kept it for yourself instead. Also, that you used the hotel as leverage to get her to go to bed with you."
To which Mosby replies, "Oh, for Godís sake! In the first place she lost that hotel in a card game. Yes, I told her I would try to get it back for her. However, it cost me a considerable amount of money to buy it back from the man she lost it to. I was perfectly willing to let her pay back the money on time -- provided she abide by a few rules while she did so. They were perfectly reasonable and I had every right to protect my investment. I did not use the hotel to lure her into my bed. I didnít need to; she jumped in it all on her own."
Will interjects, "She says there were no such conditions agreed on beforehand."
"Well," says Mosby, "you canít expect me to hand over that kind of money and not expect her to pay it back."
"Well I donít see much of a problem here either," says Will, "since there was never any kind of written contract between the two of you. Besides, not many people like Amanda anyway. Sheís probably just jealous because youíre prettier then she is."
"Thank you...I think," replies Mosby, looking a bit relieved and confused at the same time.
At this time, two men enter and head toward the stairs. Both Will and Mosby stop talking and watch them. Both are dressed like dandified SOBís and have dark shoulder length curly hair and beards. One, however, has blue eyes. Will recognizes him right away and exclaims, "Thatís Michael Landon!"
Walter, who is refilling his coffee, says, "Yep."
Will then recognizes the other man and says, "Iíll be damned. Thatís Donny Osmond!"
Walter nods and then says to Mosby, "Landon doesnít have a chance." Mosby agrees with him and nods.
Walter then turns to Will and says, "You know if you had a beard and longer hair, I think you would have a good shot."
Mosby and Will look at each other and consider the idea. Will says, "Nah," and shakes his head at the same time Mosby frowns and shakes his. Walter shrugs and again returns to the bar. Will studies Mosby for a second and then (rolling his hands the way he sometimes does) says, "You know the vest and the ruffled shirt thing works for you. I like it. I wish I could pull off that look."
"Glad to hear it," says Mosby. "Since itís our writerís favorite, I could be wearing it a lot."
"Speaking of our writer," says Will, "she or he doesnít know a lot about the law, does she or he?"
"No," Mosby replies. "She knows less about law then she does about writing, and that is precious little. She likes to write, but hates research."
"How come you know more about her then I do? I didnít even know she was a she."
"I know everything," says Mosby, rolling his eyes. "I donít know why everyone doesnít know that by now. I keep telling them, but they just donít seem to believe me."
Will pulls out the next lawsuit and tells Mosby this one could be a problem. The family of John Stocker is suing him for wrongful death.
"The man comes into my town and starts shooting up my streets. What was I supposed to do!" he exclaims. "His own man told me those cattle were rustled and that is why Stocker was so anxious to move them farther away by railroad. Besides, heís the one that shot Bevin, who was his own man. Obviously he wanted to silence him."
"Well, Iíll have to do more research on that one later. Heaven knows our writer wonít," says Will. "Now, this next one is a little strange. Well, more then a little strange actually. The parents of Bill and Bob McSween are suing you because they claim you murdered their youngest son and drove the other one insane."
Mosby cannot believe this one! He tells Will, "You know those two men Austin let out of jail? Well, those were the McSweens. Yes, I shot the one but I only wounded him. It was Call who actually killed him. As for driving the other one insane, I didnít have to. He was already there."
Will tells him the parents claim, since he came home, that all Bill does is crawl around on the floor babbling and grabbing at any booted foot that goes by. The father claims itís awful hard for him to get any work done around the farm with his son attached to his leg all the time. But, the really weird part is what they want in compensation.
"What is that?" Mosby asks.
"They donít want money," Will replies. "They want to be compensated in livestock; pigs to be exact."
"Son of a bitch!" explodes Mosby. "Not another pig reference. Is it ever going to end, for Godís sake! I havenít been able to even look at a piece of bacon or a slice of ham in months." He sees that Will looks a little concerned and he starts to calm down. He calms down even more when Will tells him he doesnít see any grounds for a lawsuit with this one.
Their attention is diverted as Ares, God of War (from the Zena/Hercules shows) enters the bar. He is dressed in Mosby clothes and complaining about it all the way up the stairs. "I just donít know why I have to wear these uncool threads. My leather duds show off my beautiful bod so much better. If I lose, it will be because of this get-up!"
Walter speaks up from behind the bar. "Now heís got a damn good shot. Heís good looking and he has the long dark hair and beard."
"Um-hmm," agrees Will, his eyes following Ares as he goes up the stairs.
Walter continues. "Heís also arrogant and loud enough." He catches Mosby glaring at him and goes back to washing glasses.
Mosby turns his attention back to Will and Will turns his attention back to Mosby. "Thereís one more thing. Two people who say they would be willing to vouch for your character have contacted me. One is a Mattie Shaw?"
Mosby smiles and says, "Good. Whoís the other one?"
"A Miss Twyla. She claims to be your mother."
"My what!" says Mosby. "She is not my mother. That is a vicious rumor started by someone who thought she was being funny. Twyla runs the sporting house in Curtis Wells and Iím sure you would agree she would not make a good character witness."
Nodding in agreement Will says, "Well, Mr. Mosby, Iíll get to working on these cases and Iíll keep you updated by weekly progress reports. I really donít see that there is that much to worry about."
"Thank you. Please be sure to let me know if you need anything else."
All of a sudden, the sound of applause and cheering from upstairs is almost deafening. The contest is underway. Mosby and Will shake hands and shout their good-byes. Will takes his leave. He nods to Walter on the way out and smiles at Florrie, who is coming down the stairs as he goes by. She gives him an appraising look before walking over to Mosby.
"Who is that?" she asks.
"Nobody you would be interested in," replies Mosby.
"He sure is handsome. He reminds me of someone; I just canít think of who."
"Florrie, honey" drawls Mosby, "This time you are definitely barking up the wrong tree."
"Thatís too bad," says Florrie.
Mosby walks over to the bar and does the "Mosby Lean" against it. He lights a cigar and asks Florrie why she came downstairs.
She replies, "There ainít nothiní like the real thing."
Epilogue: The winner of the Mosby Look-A-Like contest that night was Ö Donny Osmond. This upset Ares, who stomped off in a huff, leaving a raging thunderstorm in his wake.
ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE: As I said above, this was a work of fan fiction. No copyright infringement was intended. All Lonesome Dove characters belong to Rysher Entertainment, except Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman. She belongs mostly to Dori, who put the picture of the wig and bow in my mind and it refused to leave. Will belongs to David Kohan, Max Murchick, and NBC TV. Walter belongs to Fireworks Entertainment, Time Warner Productions, and USA Television. Ares belongs to Flat Earth Productions.
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