Several years ago a fellow Lonesome Dove list member, Allison, introduced the idea of the Subreality Café to the list. The Café is a place where TV and movie characters can step out of their roles and meet, have a drink, play cards, and discuss the various versions of themselves. For instance, Lonesome Dove's miniseries Newt Call (Rick Shroeder) can meet up with Lonesome Dove: The Series Newt (Scott Bairstow), and/or the second season Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years Bounty Hunter Call.

From this, I came up with the idea to have different characters played by the same actor, Eric McCormack, meet in a place I called the Ambrosia Café (in honor of the Ambrosia Club, Clay Mosby's saloon in the TV series).

In this story, Mosby has found himself the target of several lawsuits and has hired a new lawyer, Will Truman, from Will & Grace. They meet in the main dining room of the Ambrosia Café. On this same night, a Mosby Look-A-Like contest is being held upstairs.

This was a work of fan fiction. No copyright infringement is intended.

Brenda McFarland
bjmac444@sbcglobal.net
June 2, 2003

Will Truman is waiting at the door of the Café while the doorman studies his ID. He’s wearing his gray suit, pale yellow shirt and one of the two striped ties he owns. He is also carrying his briefcase.

The doorman says, "I know you’re not here for the contest."

"No," Will replies. "I’m meeting a new client here -- a Mr. Clay Mosby."

"Which one?"

"Uh, the one that needs a lawyer, I suppose."

The doorman looks a little confused but lets Will past him.

Will goes in and takes stock of the place. There is an elegant bar to the left and a sweeping staircase rising up on the right. He approaches the bartender, who this night is Walter from La Femme Nikita.

"I’m here to meet Mr. Clay Mosby?"

Walter nods towards a back table where TOY Mosby is playing a game of solitaire. A glass of sipping whiskey (the good stuff) is at his elbow and he is smoking a slender cigar. He is wearing his dark red vest, a white ruffled shirt, black tie and pants. He looks good and he knows it.

Will notices a sign by the staircase pointing upstairs. It says:

Mosby Look-A-Like Contest Tonight
Judging begins at 9:00pm.
Seating is first come, first served
So come early.

The only other customers downstairs are the two maiden ladies from TOY. They are wearing their matching maroon dresses and feathered hats. They are just finishing up their dessert and coffee.

Mosby rises as Will approaches. He holds out his hand and asks, "Mr. Truman?"

Will nods and replies, "Please, call me Will."

They shake hands and Mosby gestures to a chair, "Please, have a seat."

Walter comes over to take his drink order. Will orders a latté with skim milk to which Walter replies, "We got coffee. Black or with cream."

Mosby recommends a good cognac (Martel XO), but Will tells him coffee will be just fine.

"Harlan speaks very highly of you, Will. Yours was the first name he dropped when I asked if he could recommend a good lawyer. He says I shouldn’t let some details about your life keep me from retaining you."

Will raises his eyebrows.

"You know," Mosby continues. "Bein’ a Yankee and all."

Will’s eyebrows settle back down.

"Well, Mr. Mosby--"

"Please, call me Clay."

"Well, Clay, I hope I can live up to Harlan’s recommendation because it certainly looks like you need a lawyer. It appears you are being sued by just about everybody."

Will tells Mosby that he has received the papers from everybody’s lawyers.

"Who have they got?" Mosby asked.

"A law firm out of Los Angeles," replies Will.

"Any good?" says Mosby

"Used to be," says Will. "They used to carry their time slot most of the time and they were in the top ten more then one season. They haven’t been heard from for quite some time, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still good."

Walter arrives with Will’s coffee and a refill for Mosby. Will looks around and makes the observation that it seems quiet tonight. Walter nods and then says, "Most of the action is upstairs tonight. There’s a Mosby Look-A-Like contest."

"Yes," says Will, "I saw the sign." He turns to Mosby and asks, "Why aren’t you entered?"

Walter answers for him. "He can’t enter -- he’s a Mosby."

Mosby (glaring up at Walter) says emphatically, "I am not A Mosby. I am The Mosby."

Walter shrugs as if to say "Whatever you say" and goes back to the bar.

At this time, Luther enters escorting Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman. She is decked out in a bright canary yellow dress. She has a matching bow in her dark sausage curls. She is holding a lace fan in front her face as she looks up coquettishly at Luther. She bats her eyes and Luther smiles adoringly back. They head straight upstairs. Luther notices Mosby at the back table and nods a greeting. Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman folds up her fan and waves, giving Mosby a brilliant smile. Mosby rises, bows slightly and smiles politely.

After they go upstairs, Will asks, "Is that a woman?"

"Opinions vary," replies Mosby.

"Now, down to business," Will states. "Let’s see, first there’s the wrongful termination suit being brought against you by your former sheriff Austin Peale. He claims you fired him and almost had him hung for something he didn’t do."

Mosby (looking thoroughly disgusted) replies, "Austin was taking bribes. That resulted in him releasing two wanted men who proceeded to beat me half to death, rob my saloon, and kill my bartender. He’s lucky I didn’t hang him!"

"He claims you knew he was taking bribes and looked the other way."

"Oh, hogw … I mean balderdash!" Mosby exclaims.

Will says, "Well, I don’t see much to worry about here. Especially with bribe-taking and all."

"Good," says Mosby, a little relieved.

"Let’s see…the next case is Amanda Carpenter Smith Lewis & Clark, etc.," says Will as he looks over the papers. "She’s suing you for fraud. She claims you told her you would get back her hotel for her but that you kept it for yourself instead. Also, that you used the hotel as leverage to get her to go to bed with you."

To which Mosby replies, "Oh, for God’s sake! In the first place she lost that hotel in a card game. Yes, I told her I would try to get it back for her. However, it cost me a considerable amount of money to buy it back from the man she lost it to. I was perfectly willing to let her pay back the money on time -- provided she abide by a few rules while she did so. They were perfectly reasonable and I had every right to protect my investment. I did not use the hotel to lure her into my bed. I didn’t need to; she jumped in it all on her own."

Will interjects, "She says there were no such conditions agreed on beforehand."

"Well," says Mosby, "you can’t expect me to hand over that kind of money and not expect her to pay it back."

"Well I don’t see much of a problem here either," says Will, "since there was never any kind of written contract between the two of you. Besides, not many people like Amanda anyway. She’s probably just jealous because you’re prettier then she is."

"Thank you...I think," replies Mosby, looking a bit relieved and confused at the same time.

At this time, two men enter and head toward the stairs. Both Will and Mosby stop talking and watch them. Both are dressed like dandified SOB’s and have dark shoulder length curly hair and beards. One, however, has blue eyes. Will recognizes him right away and exclaims, "That’s Michael Landon!"

Walter, who is refilling his coffee, says, "Yep."

Will then recognizes the other man and says, "I’ll be damned. That’s Donny Osmond!"

Walter nods and then says to Mosby, "Landon doesn’t have a chance." Mosby agrees with him and nods.

Walter then turns to Will and says, "You know if you had a beard and longer hair, I think you would have a good shot."

Mosby and Will look at each other and consider the idea. Will says, "Nah," and shakes his head at the same time Mosby frowns and shakes his. Walter shrugs and again returns to the bar. Will studies Mosby for a second and then (rolling his hands the way he sometimes does) says, "You know the vest and the ruffled shirt thing works for you. I like it. I wish I could pull off that look."

"Glad to hear it," says Mosby. "Since it’s our writer’s favorite, I could be wearing it a lot."

"Speaking of our writer," says Will, "she or he doesn’t know a lot about the law, does she or he?"

"No," Mosby replies. "She knows less about law then she does about writing, and that is precious little. She likes to write, but hates research."

"How come you know more about her then I do? I didn’t even know she was a she."

"I know everything," says Mosby, rolling his eyes. "I don’t know why everyone doesn’t know that by now. I keep telling them, but they just don’t seem to believe me."

Will pulls out the next lawsuit and tells Mosby this one could be a problem. The family of John Stocker is suing him for wrongful death.

"The man comes into my town and starts shooting up my streets. What was I supposed to do!" he exclaims. "His own man told me those cattle were rustled and that is why Stocker was so anxious to move them farther away by railroad. Besides, he’s the one that shot Bevin, who was his own man. Obviously he wanted to silence him."

"Well, I’ll have to do more research on that one later. Heaven knows our writer won’t," says Will. "Now, this next one is a little strange. Well, more then a little strange actually. The parents of Bill and Bob McSween are suing you because they claim you murdered their youngest son and drove the other one insane."

Mosby cannot believe this one! He tells Will, "You know those two men Austin let out of jail? Well, those were the McSweens. Yes, I shot the one but I only wounded him. It was Call who actually killed him. As for driving the other one insane, I didn’t have to. He was already there."

Will tells him the parents claim, since he came home, that all Bill does is crawl around on the floor babbling and grabbing at any booted foot that goes by. The father claims it’s awful hard for him to get any work done around the farm with his son attached to his leg all the time. But, the really weird part is what they want in compensation.

"What is that?" Mosby asks.

"They don’t want money," Will replies. "They want to be compensated in livestock; pigs to be exact."

"Son of a bitch!" explodes Mosby. "Not another pig reference. Is it ever going to end, for God’s sake! I haven’t been able to even look at a piece of bacon or a slice of ham in months." He sees that Will looks a little concerned and he starts to calm down. He calms down even more when Will tells him he doesn’t see any grounds for a lawsuit with this one.

Their attention is diverted as Ares, God of War (from the Zena/Hercules shows) enters the bar. He is dressed in Mosby clothes and complaining about it all the way up the stairs. "I just don’t know why I have to wear these uncool threads. My leather duds show off my beautiful bod so much better. If I lose, it will be because of this get-up!"

Walter speaks up from behind the bar. "Now he’s got a damn good shot. He’s good looking and he has the long dark hair and beard."

"Um-hmm," agrees Will, his eyes following Ares as he goes up the stairs.

Walter continues. "He’s also arrogant and loud enough." He catches Mosby glaring at him and goes back to washing glasses.

Mosby turns his attention back to Will and Will turns his attention back to Mosby. "There’s one more thing. Two people who say they would be willing to vouch for your character have contacted me. One is a Mattie Shaw?"

Mosby smiles and says, "Good. Who’s the other one?"

"A Miss Twyla. She claims to be your mother."

"My what!" says Mosby. "She is not my mother. That is a vicious rumor started by someone who thought she was being funny. Twyla runs the sporting house in Curtis Wells and I’m sure you would agree she would not make a good character witness."

Nodding in agreement Will says, "Well, Mr. Mosby, I’ll get to working on these cases and I’ll keep you updated by weekly progress reports. I really don’t see that there is that much to worry about."

"Thank you. Please be sure to let me know if you need anything else."

All of a sudden, the sound of applause and cheering from upstairs is almost deafening. The contest is underway. Mosby and Will shake hands and shout their good-byes. Will takes his leave. He nods to Walter on the way out and smiles at Florrie, who is coming down the stairs as he goes by. She gives him an appraising look before walking over to Mosby.

"Who is that?" she asks.

"Nobody you would be interested in," replies Mosby.

"He sure is handsome. He reminds me of someone; I just can’t think of who."

"Florrie, honey" drawls Mosby, "This time you are definitely barking up the wrong tree."

"That’s too bad," says Florrie.

Mosby walks over to the bar and does the "Mosby Lean" against it. He lights a cigar and asks Florrie why she came downstairs.

She replies, "There ain’t nothin’ like the real thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Epilogue:

The winner of the Mosby Look-A-Like contest that night was … Donny Osmond. This upset Ares, who stomped off in a huff, leaving a raging thunderstorm in his wake.

THE END

As I said above, this was a work of fan fiction. No copyright infringement was intended. All Lonesome Dove characters belong to Rysher Entertainment, except Dr. Cleese, Medicine Woman. She belongs mostly to Dori, who put the picture of the wig and bow in my mind and it refused to leave. Will belongs to David Kohan, Max Murchick, and NBC TV. Walter belongs to Fireworks Entertainment, Time Warner Productions, and USA Television. Ares belongs to Flat Earth Productions.

Brenda McFarland
bjmac444@sbcglobal.net
June 2, 2003