L.A. Story

Harris K. Telemacher (Steve Martin) I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.

Harris This is an intellectual-free zone.

Trudi (Marilu Henner) He said it's the first day of spring. Harris Oh shit! Open season on the L.A. freeway!

Trudi Do bullets go bad? Harris No, it's not like milk. They don't have expiration date or anything.

Trudi is loading a gun. Harris Don't point it at me! Trudi Sorry, I don't know gun etiquette.

Trudi One of the first things I always teach my clients is about the point system. You should never have more than seven things on. You know, like your earrings count for two points, those daisies count for three points. But the best thing to do is, right before you go out, look in the mirror and turn around real fast, and the first thing that catches your eye, get rid of it. I mean, I had this thing in my hair before I left, remember? And I pulled it right out, 'cause as soon as I turned, gone! Marilyn Monroe did that.

Sharon (Anne Crawford) Whatever you do, don't get dumped in L.A. I mean, it's not like New York, where you can meet someone walking down the street. In L.A. you practically have to hit someone with your car. In fact, I know girls who speed just to meet cops.

Frank (Kevin Pollak) What do you do for a living, Rollie? Roland (Richard E. Grant) I deal in English paintings. Frank Abstract or realistic? Roland Depends on which way you look at them, I suppose.

Trudi Isn't that girl Sara awful? I mean, what's with that accent? Harris She has an accent because she's English. Trudi Or maybe she's just trying to impress everybody. Harris Oh, like that big phony, Winston Churchill.

Harris feeling paranoid I'm being filmed, I know I'm being filmed.

Harris A sign spoke to me, said I was in trouble. Trudi If you're talking to signs, you are in trouble.

Harris So I'll see you Sunday? Trudi I got a shower Sunday. Harris Oh, yeah. And I really should take a bath.

Harris Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.

Harris I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Harris I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.

Harris You're on time. Sara (Victoria Tennant) Actually I'm late. Harris You're exactly on time. Sara But I had planned to be early.

Harris I thought that, uh, I'd show you around town a little bit, you know, a few kind of secret places, a kind of a cultural tour of L.A. Sara That's the first fifteen minutes. Then what? Harris All right, a cynic. First stop is six blocks from here. Sara Why don't we walk? Harris Walk? A walk in L.A.?

Harris You know, you're really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.

Harris Ordinarily I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.

Harris We've got sun, earth, and atmosphere, and when you've got that, you've got weather!

SanDeE* (Sarah Jessica Parker) I'm studying to be a spokesmodel. Harris What is, what is a spokesmodel? SanDeE* Um, it's just a model who speaks, you know, and she points at things like merchandise, you know, like a car or washer and dryer. Sometimes it's something really small, you know, like, like a book or fine art print. Harris They have classes for that? SanDeE* Yeah, 'cause it's a lot harder than it looks.

Crook (Dennis Dragon) pointing gun Hi. My name is Bob. I'll be your robber. Harris handing over wallet Hi, how are you? Crook accepting wallet Thank you very much.

Harris If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it's good to go over to your best friend's house and ruin her day too.

Harris When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV. Ariel (Susan Forristal) I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with and lie in bed and watch TV, you've really got something.

SanDeE* and Harris have just had enemas. SanDeE* So, what do you think? Harris I think it was a total washout. SanDeE* God, it really clears out your head. Harris Head? Head? You should go back in there and tell them they're doing it wrong. Well, it was a great lunch and enema, thanks.

Sara Roland thinks L.A. is a place for the brain-dead. He says, if you turned off the sprinklers, it would turn into a desert. But I think--I don't know, it's not what I expected. It's a place where they've taken a desert and turned it into their dreams. I've seen a lot of L.A. and I think it's also a place of secrets: secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures. And no one is looking to the outside for verification that what they're doing is all right. So what do you say, Roland? Roland I still say it's a place for the brain-dead.

Maitre d' (Patrick Stewart) Your usual table, Mr. Christopher? Carlo Christopher (Chevy Chase) No, I'd like a good one this time. Maitre d' I'm sorry, that is impossible. Carlo Christopher Part of the new cruelty? Maitre d' I'm afraid so.

Harris kisses Sara. Sara Oh no, I can't. This is how Mommy met Daddy. Harris Let your mind go and your body will follow.

Harris I don't think we should make love, all right? SanDeE* Okay, we'll just have sex.

Harris SanDeE*, your, your breasts feel weird. SanDeE* Oh, that's 'cause they're real.

Harris overhears an amorous couple in the next room. They're really excited. They must be cheating on someone.

Sara Why didn't you tell me you had just broke up with someone? Harris How do you know I just broke up with someone? Sara Because when men just break up with someone, they always run around with someone much too young for them. Harris She's not so young. She'll be 27 in four years.

Roland That's the difference between England and America. The English maintain civil relationships with their ex's. Americans kill them.

Harris I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.

Harris A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.