Free! Your Own Army of Squirrels[tm] in Thirty Days

or your money back

Do you feel lonely? Depressed? Cut off from society? Are you considered a freak of nature? A loser? A loner? A psycopath, neurotic, or schizophrenic?

If so, click here now!

Are they gone? [grinflick]

Good. [flick] Although most squirrels don't think of it that way, I can't help but consider converted squirrels to be our children, and we don't want them raised by loonies. Since you're relatively normal, how would you like to receive, through the mail, at no cost to you, everything you need to set up your own Army of Squirrels[tm] to oppose the devilbunny menace?

You see, using our patented en-viral-safe squirrel conversion capsules and a common squirrelfeeder (not included), along with a small quantity of mixed nuts (not included), you can infect the squirrels in your vicinity with the same virus that hrair out of hrair squirrel doctors surveyed consider the safest, most reliable, and cheapest method of squirrel conversion in existence! [bounce!]

What's the catch, you ask?

Have you ever had kids? Now imagine several dozen of them, shedding, and with claws...

If you're still interested, send mail to Logistics and ask for a "version 1.0b autonomous human-supervised colony seed". Further instructions will be included in your package.

IMPORTANT: Be sure to ask for version 1.0*b*!

(this is an experimental product and is not approved for sale or distribution by the FDA, the CDC, the BATF, the CIA, the FBI, the Department of Agricultue, or any other federal, state or local agency. The virus included with the product is considered a CLASS 1 BIOHAZARD and should be kept out of reach of children and pets (except for squirrels). UCirc warren and it's members, allies, and associates cannot be held liable for damage, personal injury, or death resulting from proper or improper use of this product. In any case, nonwithstanding the above, total liability resulting from this transaction cannot exceed the sum of $1.00 or the price of purchase, whichever is less. State or local laws in your area may prohibit limits on duration or extent of liability, so the above may not apply to you, but keep in mind that we are excitable rodents with large amounts of high explosives at our disposal.)