------------------------------------------------------------------------ A conversation with a squirrel Newsgroups: alt.devilbunnies From: adm4@po.cwru.edu (Aaron Mandelbaum) Message-ID: Date: Wed, 31 Aug 1994 17:05:14 GMT Organization: CWRU It is night. The sky is overcast, but the ubiquitous orange lights prevent true darkness. In the semi-shadow at the edge of the sinister orange glow a young man crouches down to talk to a squirrel. "I posted the message, just like you said. Will you leave me alone?" "I'm afraid not. We need your help." The squirrel's voice is high-pitched and rapid, but understandable. The human is surprised, for a variety of reasons. "What!" The squirrel looks around to see if the human's outburst has attracted attention, but no one is to be seen. "I'm not going to help you destroy humanity!" "We're not trying to destroy humanity. We're trying to save it." "That's why you've been messing with my mind and threatening me, to save me, is that it?" "Yes," the squirrel replies, "It is. You were attracting too much attention. We have no quarrel with humanity." "What about pollution, and all that?" "The Spirit of the Wilderness will deal with humanity when the time is right. There is no need for us to intervene. Gaia is a stable system and humanity is a part of it. We know that now, as we know who the true enemy is." "Devilbunnies, right? But why are theyt your enemy? I thought you shared a common goal, even if you think it isn't necessary. How are they a threat?" "Gaia is a stable system, but DevilBunnies are not a part of it. They are invaders, from anothoer dimension or another planet, it doesn't matter. They are unnatural, and have upset the balance. It was their intervention that allowed humanity to develop the dangerous technology that's ruining the world today!" "This is not making sense. Didn't you just say humanity was part of Gaia?" "Humanity is out of balance, but if the unnatural force were removed the Spirit of the Wilderness would be free to act to restore it. But as long as the Devilbunnies exist, it doesn't dare -- they're the only thing keeping the DB's in check!" "Okay... but how exactly are the DB's unbalancing things. Aren't they trying to restore the balance?" "HA! The manufacture of a single suit of MorphArmor releases as many toxins into the environment as all the industry east of the Mississippi in a month! BunnyArmor is only slightly better! But that is irrelevant. There is one crime for which they can never be forgiven!" "Namely?" The human looks away, unable to face the squirrels fanatic stare. "Usurping our position as embodiment of the Cute! *WE* are the true Cute! *WE* should be in the cartoons, video games, movies. *WE* should be saying "what's up, doc?" while munching on an acorn, but no! What do we get? Slappy squirrel? Don't make me laugh!" "I... don't think I could." "No," it continued, ignoring him, "We cannot rest until we have regained our rightful place in the universe!" "And the balance is restored." "Yes, yes, that too." "Um... wait a minute, what about normal rabbits?" the human asks, turning back to face the tiny face. "There ARE no normal rabbits!" the squirrel replies, "So will you join us? We need your help!" "Why do you need my help? There're thousands of you!" "And millions of Devilbunnies. We need all the help we can get!" The human sighs. "Why not?" Because they're crazy, he thinks to himself. Because they're fanatics, AND crazy. And because they're most likely lying through their little buck teeth. But they'll keep bugging you and bugging you and bugging you... Next episode: The secret of UCirc Warren! -- Aaron Mandelbaum, the PSH (Pro-Squirrel Human) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Usenet Web 1.0.3 (development) / webmaster@netimages.com