[Web Site Number 9] Mistings Archive First Date/Marriage of the Millenium...Message By Matthew Blackwell and Michael K. Neylon Original Work by Gold Astro Ranger Date Completed: Apr 1999 Data Added/Modified: Apr 07, 1999 Rating: 7.88 (with 8 entries) Rate this Misting ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "First Date/ Marriage of the Millenium" Original Stories by Gold Astro Ranger Misting by Matt Blackwell and Michael K. Neylon [Season 9 Opening] [The Satellite of Love's Bridge. Crow and Tom appear to be working on a computer sitting on the control console.] Tom: Make him a bit redder. Crow: Maroon Red, Crimson Red or Stop Light Red? Tom: I was thinking more Red M+M red. Crow: Gotcha. [The computer makes a *click* noise.] Crow: What now? Tom: The sky needs to be a bit bluer. Crow: Cerulean Blue, Sky Blue, or Aqua Blue? Tom: Sky Blue. I mean, duh. [Mike enters.] Mike: Hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, former temp worker and now a mere lab rat in a vast experiment to undermine mankind's spirit through bad movies and stories. And with me today are my robot compatriots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. Tom: Snuh. Crow: Whatever. [Mike walks over to the 'bots.] Mike: Hey guys, what 'cha doing? Crow: Well, Mike. We're working on a brand new... [A loud noise reverberates through the bridge.] Crow: Not again! Tom: Great. Just great. Hey Mike? Can you do us a favor? Mike: Sure. Tom: Great! Just reach down underneath the counter... Mike: Okay. [Mike kneels down and disappears from sight.] Mike: Say, who are these guys down here? Crow: Just ignore them. Mike: Wow, this guy's mouth moved in synch with your voice, Crow.. [The *thwack* of a person's head being punched can be heard.] Mike: Ow! Tom: [forced] Just pick up a box and bring it up to the counter, Michael. [Oddly, Tom's mouth didn't seem to move during the previous line. Mike reappears from behind the counter with a box.] Mike: Boy, *Tom*. You're getting awfully surly. [Another *thwack* can be heard. Mike grabs his leg, as if someone had just hit it.] Mike: OW! All right, all right! Sorry, Kevin. So, what's in the box, guys? Crow: A new computer. Tom: Yep. This one's obsolete. So, if you can just set it up for us? Mike: Sure. [Mike takes the computer from the box and sets it up.] Mike: There you go. Tom: Great! Now, as we were saying, we're working on... Great. Hey Mike? Can you get another computer for us? Mike: What for? Crow: This one's obsolete too. Mike: Really? Well, I'll get another one... [Mike disappears behind the console, then reappears with another box.] Mike: Here's a new one. Tom: Get cracking, Mike. [Mike opens the box, and removes the monitor. He reaches in again and... ] Mike: What? Crow: That one's obsolete too. Tom: Get another one. Mike: How can they get obsolete that fast? [Mike disappears behind the counter again, and reappears with another box. He places it on the counter and... ] Crow: Mike, get a move on. [Mike disappears again under the counter and... ] Mike: [OS] I haven't even picked one up yet! Oh, come on! [Ping. Ping. Commercial sign begins to flash. Ping. Ping. Mike reappears, out of breath, from the behind the counter. He notices the flashing commercial sign.] Mike: We'll be right back. [Mike hits the light, and the Planet Bumper appears.] [Commercials] [The bridge. Mike is putting the finishing touches on assembling another computer. Many discarded computer boxes are stacked behind him. Tom and Crow are watching Mike with looks of horror on their faces. The pings have stopped.] Mike: And... done. [Mike stands up and brushes his hands together.] There's your new computer, guys. Crow: You can't be serious. Mike: I am. Tom: Mike, we can't use that, that, *thing*! Mike: Sure you can! Crow: Mike, it's an Amiga. It's an electronic paperweight. Mike: Well, it's not going to get any more obsolete, is it? Tom: Oh. Well... Crow: Good point. Mike: You had something to show me? Crow: Sure, it's right.. [The Castle light begins to flash.] Mike: Guys, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Speed, Trixie and Pops are calling. [Mike hits the light.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl stands in the foreground. Bobo and Observer are in the background, carrying large tomes.] Pearl: Evening, Racer X. Chim-Chim. How are you doing? [SoL] [The crew looks at each other for a second, then turn back towards Cambot.] Mike: We're fine. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl grins evilly.] Pearl: Well, not for long. You see, we've got a story from an old friend of yours... [SoL] [The bots and Mike nervously look at each other.] Tom: Does it involve a teenager? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Why yes. Several of them, in fact. [SoL] Crow: Do they win against insurmountable odds? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: They sure do. [SoL] Mike: Is there any royalty involved in this? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: You betcha. Kings, queens, princes, czars. You name it. They're all here. [SoL] Mike: Wonderful. [To the bots] Well, guys. Let's get this out of the way. All: Heir to the Crown of Essex, Head of all the Kid's Crews... [Castle Forrester] [Pearl blinks, confusedly.] Pearl: Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not a Ratliff. [SoL] Crow: It's not? [Castle Forrester] [Bobo steps forward.] Bobo: Heck no. He disappeared months ago. Pearl: He's vanished off the face of the earth, Mikey. Observer: Either that or he's in Cancun. Pearl wouldn't let us search there... [SoL] Crow: Hey, this could be good! Mike: Wait a minute, guys. What about that "Hail to the Queen" business? Or that "Before the Dawn" guy? This could be another Ratliff-worshiper... [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Sorry to disappoint you, Nelson, but there's not one one iota of Marrissa in this work. Bobo: Nope. Not even a milli-iota of her. Observer: I fear that all of Stephen's cohorts have also disappeared. I suspect they are up to no good. Pearl: *Anyway*, we've found a new piece, by Gold Astro Ranger... [SoL] Tom: Oh, the Power Rangers guy. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Yeah, the Power Rangers guy. We found a short story from him. [Bobo holds up his tome.] And we're going to package it with one of his longer stories [Observer holds up his book] and we'll be sending it your way... [SoL] Crow: Those look really long... [Castle Forrester] Bobo: He wrote them in 144 point text. We're not sure why. Pearl: Anyway, we'll send them up to you right now. Prepare for "First Date/ Marriage of the Millennium." Have fun, Mike. [SoL] [The lights are flashing.] All: Oh no! We've got Power Rangers sign! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The bots and Mike enter and take their usual places.] Mike: So, what do you remember about this "Gold Astro Ranger" guy? Crow: He writes Power Rangers stories. Mike: I gathered that much. Tom: They involve these two, later three, brothers from another planet who help the Power Rangers fight the evil doers. Mike: Oh. So, a fairly standard setup then? Crow: Except for the hula dancing polar bears. Mike: What? Tom: They're the author's trademark. Keep an eye for them. Mike: Um, okay... >Power Rangers >starring >The Crowmeowme Brothers Mike: "Crowmeowme"? What the heck is that? Tom: Oh, something like ... [Tom whacks his head at Mike's shoulder] Crow? Crow: [looks at Tom] Me? [Mike punches Crow (lightly) at the shoulder joint] Crow: Ow! Me.. I guess... Tom & Mike: [giggle] >in >First Date > >Disclaimer: The Power Rangers and related characters are property >of Saban Entertainment. The male members of the Crowmeowme family >are my exclusive creations. > Crow: Ew... the author asexually reproduced and his offspring are these characters! >Author's notes: This is the official tale of Bart and Ashley's >first date, as well as an interesting anecdote of Brian >Crowmeowme's past. Certain names were changed to protect >copyrights. Tom: He changed the name of his own characters? > This presumes the Rangers arrived at Earth on a >Friday, but did not go into town until Monday. > Crow: It also presumes that the Power Rangers are all disguised as Bavarian Nuns, Mars is in the cusp of Aquarius, and that IBM is trading at 82 and a half per share. Mike: Trust us. All will be explained later. >Our tale begins on Sunday, February 15 at the Crowmeowme estate. Tom: As football season was well over, the men were sleeping in till 3pm. >Past and present Power Rangers were gathering to watch the >monthly wrestling pay-per-view broadcast. Tom: The Power Rangers must be looking to learn some more moves. Mike: Wrestling's only on once a month in this universe? Amazing! Crow: You'd figure by now, there'd be an All-Wrestling station. > When Ashley arrived, >Bart, who just twenty-four hours earlier had admitted his love to >Ashley, took her back into the parlor, with something on his >mind. [The trio begins to make "bucka-wucka-chow" noises.] > "Ashley," Bart began, "I asked Brian for some advice on how >to treat our relationship, and he said the first step was usually >a date. Tom: Of course, with Brian "7 divorces and still going!" Crowmeowme, you can only take his dating advice so far... Tom: [as Bart] He had that same look on his face as he did when I asked him how to breathe... > He explained the concept to me, and now. I want to ask >you out on our first official date. Mike: [as Bart] Shall I call you later to discuss the timing of our my asking you out for our first official date? > I was thinking of this coming >Friday night." Ashley blushed, "Well, my schedule is clear, so, >why not." Mike: No way! Every girl has something to do on a Friday night! Crow: I think that just may be you, Nelson. Mike: Really? I thought that it was odd that the entire city of Minneapolis was busy on Fridays... > The two of them shared their third kiss. Crow: Damn! Three kisses *before* a date? That Ashley's one fast mover! > Bart told her, >"I think we shall go out for dinner and then come back to the >mansion to watch a movie." "Back here?" she asked. "Yes," Bart >replied, Crow: [as Ashley] Back... to the Mansion? Tom: When this date hits 88 miles per hour , you're goint to see some serious sh- Mike: [coughing on cue] > "While we were off planet, Brian had the most >comfortable theater in Angel Grove built here at the mansion, he >has a vast library of past and present movies." > Tom: o/~ The worst he can find. (la-la-la) o/~ Crow: Great. Another lost member of the Forrester blood line. >The next day, the Rangers went into town. Mike: And we're now in a Laura Ingalls story. Crow: They'll be heading over to the General Store to pick up some sorghum and penny nails soon. > They went to the >newest hang-out in Angel Grove, The Surf Spot. Tom: Unfortunately, the creators of the Surf Spot forgot that there's not an ocean within 500 miles of Angel Grove. > Bart was not >impressed with the french fries, Crow: Were they not "America's Favorite Fries (TM)"? Mike: Nice product placement, Crow. Crow: Thanks! I make a cool $45 each time I say that! > "Brian makes them much better," >he thought to himself. Tom: Moments later, the McDonalds Corporation gunned down Brian in a fit of jealousy. > Bart was in a much better position than >Ashley to notice Andros' use of telekinesis, to which he thought >to himself, "Amateur." It seems that on Minutiae, everyone is >born with telekinesis. Tom: Wait, that's not telekinesis; that's the umbilical cord! Mike: Ewwww.... > Thus, Bart has had several millennia of >practice. Crow: Yet he still used it to peek up women's skirts. > From The Surf Spot, the Rangers journeyed to the >electronics shop, Mike: If this Radio Shack turns out to be the Power Rangers headquarters, I'm leaving! Tom: Inside, George Jetson pleaded with the Rangers to send him back to his home era. > where Bart used the credit card Brian had given >him to pay for the needed parts. Crow: No income? Bad credit? Just ask Brian Crowmeowme! > "Interesting that this is a gold >card," Bart mused to his teammates, seeing as Bart was the newly >empowered Gold Ranger. Crow: Yeah. What a coincidence. > After battles with Quantrons and Ecliptor, >the Rangers went to work on the Astro Megaship. Tom: So after a casual day of shopping, our heroes suddenly find themselves in the midst of battle? Or did we just lose a day or something? Mike: Remember the first law of superheroes, Tom. "If two or more heroes meet, there's going to be a fight, unless Neil Gaiman's writing the story." > When the repairs >were done, he noticed the setting Ashley had created on the Simu- >deck. Mike: [as Bart] A torture chamber, Ashley? What ever for? Crow: Mike, I think my temporal circuits are losing it! > The juke box intrigued him more than the pool >table, although he enjoyed watching Ashley make her opening shot. > Tom: Mike, I'm scared. I think I just lost a day, or something. Mike: There, there. It's just a poor use of transitions. >Bart studied the juke box, and noticed a song he had become >fond of. Crow: If it's that damn "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" song... > He remembered a television show he had watched, back >when he was chosing his name. Tom: Remembering a TV show caused him to remember a book he read. Crow: Remembering that book caused him to remember a certain math problem. > He recalled how a character on the >show could start a juke box just by hitting it. Mike: It's Fish, right? He's talking about Fish. > This being the >first juke box Bart had ever seen in person, he wondered if it >would work. He concentrated, and then, using a fraction of his >Tor Ek Nal skills, Mike: Only 15/16th of his skills... > tapped the juke box in a certain spot. Crow: He's trying to find the jukebox's erogenous zones! > To his, >and everyone else's, surprise, it worked. Tom: [as Ashley] It just wasn't plugged in, silly. > Music filled the simu- >deck, Tom: o/~ What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... o/~ Mike: Suddenly two guys jump up from the bar, and begin to slam Ashley back and forth between... Crow: Mike, this isn't a "Night in the Roxbury" crossover. > and Bart danced, all the while watching Ashley and Andros >play pool. Crow: Bart's dancing alone...okaaaay. Mike: See? It's the Rox, all right.. Tom: At least it's not the Lambada. > He had seen Brian play pool at the mansion, though >Brian's table was much more intricate than this one. Crow: [as Bart] Ooooooh - red felt! > When the >Rangers returned to the surface, Bart asked Brian to teach him >how to play pool. Brian took him to the game room and gave him a >cue stick. Mike: [Brian] Saban changed our costumes again. You're the "Pool Ranger." I'm the "Domino Ranger" and Ashley gets to be the "Pachinko Ranger." > Brian then removed the cover from the pool >table, revealing the master craftsmanship used to make this >table. "When the table is this expensive, you call the game >Billiards." Brian joked. > Crow: I suppose that would make Ashley a courtesan. >Brian and Bart spent the next twelve hours in the game room. All: Twelve hours?! Mike: Meanwhile, Ashley has found another man, and Angel Grove has been destroyed by 3 new mutants. Tom: Or, they might have been playing Zoop. Crow: Zoop! Zoop! >Brian taught his cousin everything there was to know about the >game of billiards. Mike: Twelve hours to say "It's boring"? > Brian had been playing pool since it's >inception. Mike: In fact, he's still playing the first game. Crow: They just can't sink that '3' ball. > He taught Bart simple shots and trick shots, from the >simplest break techniques, to advanced moves which would only be >of use in an exhibition of trick shots. Tom: Then he introduced him to Yoda, who taught him the ways of the Force. Crow: Quiet. That might still happen. Mike: It's a lot easier when your future holographic monitor lays out your shots for you. > By the time they emerged >in the morning, Bart knew as much about pool as Brian, and Brian >knew more than any living pool player could ever hope to know. Mike: Unfortunately, Brian taught Bart more about hang gliding than any living pool player could hope to know. >When Brian left for the office, Bart went back to the game room >to practice his newly acquired skills. Kim and Willy came down to >watch him, and he amazed them with the various trick shots Brian >had taught him. Crow: [as Kim] Nice job hitting the cue ball into that pocket. Tom: [as Bart] Shut up, Kim. > "Not bad, Bart," Kim told him, "If I wasn't six >and a half months pregnant, Crow: Yeowch! That's really going to mess up the shooting schedule on "Felicity." > I'd play you a game. But, it's >just to hard to set up a shot when you're with child. Believe me, >I tried when I was carrying Willy," Tom: Kimberly Hart. Ex-Power Ranger. Mother. Pool hustler. > and then she kissed her son >on his head. "Mother!" replied nearly three year old Willy. > Crow: I bet he's the head of the Kid Power Rangers Crew. >That night, Bart asked Brian and Kim what would be a good >restaurant for the big night. Mike: "Big Al's Big Bang Burger Barn." > Brian and Kim both thought of the >same place at the same time, "Chateau de Cuisine," they replied >in unison. All: The House of Food? Tom: Oh my. Mike: Angel Grove makes Mayberry look like Berkley. > Chateau de Cuisine was the most expensive eatery in >Angel Grove, Tom: Hey! They sell five-dollar milkshakes there! > one that Brian and Kim had dined at many times since >they started seeing each other. It was where they had their own >first date, and where they celebrated their engagement. Mike: It's also where Brian and Vinnie the Knife planned to ice the Gambino Family. > Chateau >de Cuisine hosted their wedding rehearsal dinner, a party >celebrating Willy's impending arrival, and Kim's many gymnastic >triumphs. Crow: A single party for a pregnant mother cartwheeling on tables while the best man gives a toast? Tom: From what it sound likes, the ONLY thing they haven't had at Chateau de Cuisine was the honeymoon! > Bob and Kat had celebrated there as well. Chateau de >Cuisine had one table they kept open just for members of the >Crowmeowme family, or those who mentioned the Crowmeowme name. Mike: It's that special one, out there in the back behind the kitchen next to the dumpster. >Brian and Kim knew both chefs, Pierre and Henri, and could tell >who was cooking just by how long it took to cook the food. Crow: They'd both been taught by that culinary master, Bugs d'Bunnet. > And >Jean-Paul, the maitre'd, knew better that to tell them the >specials, Brian and Kim always went with the best. > Tom: [thick french accent] Deux Mac avec fromage for madame and monseur. >With dinner taken care of, Bart then turned his attention to >the movie. Mike: Dinner? Crow: And a movie? Tom: TBS is going to be annoyed... > He spent most of Wednesday looking through the film >library, trying to find the perfect film. That night, at dinner, >Bart asked Brian and Kim what they recommended. Tom and Crow: [as Brian and Kim] Chateau de Cuisine! > Kim said, "I've >heard Titanic is a good date movie, yet Brian has never taken me >to see it." Mike: It's STILL playing?! Crow: Of course it is, Mike. It's 3000 1/2 hours long. > Brian responded, "There's a reason, a very good >reason. Tom: [as Brian] I'm allergic to Leo. > I don't want to re-live a near death experience." Mike: [Brian] That popcorn oil nearly killed me... > Kim was >shocked, "Near death?" she asked. Crow: [as Brain] Well, more like "In the near proximity of death". > Brian sighed, "I guess I should >tell you. I was on the Titanic, and nearly died in the >cold Atlantic." Kim was stunned, "With all the Titanic mania >around, why didn't you tell me sooner, or write a book, or >something?" Crow: Hey! That's a really good question! Tom: Yeah, superintelligent alien-boy. Why didn't you? Mike: Guys, I'm sure that no one would notice a nice young man authoring a book about his personal experiences on the Titanic. Crow: He could have written it in the '20s, Mike. > Brian responded, "Because the memories are almost too >painful." Bart interrupted, "Cousin, do you not remember what we >say on Minutiae: Crow: [as Bart] "Pull the other one!" > If a memory seems painful, sharing it can ease >the pain." Tom: Nooo. That's Callahan's motto. > Brian agreed, "You are right, dear cousin, perhaps I >shall share with you, and the rest of the group, how I >almost died that cold April night back in 1912." > Mike: [Brian] I was club hopping with F. Scott Fitzgerald.... >When the other past and present Rangers arrived at the >mansion after supper, Brian began to tell his tale. Mike: [Brian] It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a dark and stormy night too. Call me Ishmael... > "Back in the >early 1900s, when my main business was steel, Crow: Ah, so Brian Crowmeowme was behind that awful movie! > I had supplied some >steel to build the Titanic. Tom: [as Brian] Being into steel and all. > In exchange, I was given free passage on her maiden voyage. >With Bob safely in charge of the business, Tom: [as Brian] ...of steel... > I readied myself for the >trip from South Hampton to New York. I was given a luxurious >stateroom, Tom: [as Brian] ...made of steel... > and I rubbed elbows with the >Astors and Rockefellers, and the unsinkable Molly Brown. Crow: She kept breaking into song. What an annoying woman. Tom: [Brian] ...but she had a heart as solid as steel... > I dined >at the Captain's table, Tom: [as Brian] ...which was made of steel... > before heading back to my cabin. Then, >it happened." "The iceberg?" asked Tanya. Mike: [as Brian] No! "Austin Powers 2", you fool! > "Yes," Brian continued. Tom: [as Brian] It was made of steel too, you know... Mike: Ok, enough, Tom. >"I knew I would not get into one of the first lifeboats, women >and children first after all, but I never suspected that some >greedy fool would actually shove something across the front of my >door, keeping me from exiting. Mike: Billy Zane must have been really busy that night. > I didn't find out until the water >started coming into my cabin. I tried to open the door, but it >wouldn't budge. The hallway was too Crowded for me to tear down >the door with sheer strength." > Tom: Today's lesson: don't sail on a boat made of steel. >"So how did you get out?" Rocky asked. Mike: [as Brian] I didn't. This is all just a hallucination flashing through my mind as I'm drowning. Crow: Been watching "The Occurrence at Owl Creek" again, Mike? > Brian replied, "As the >water filled my cabin, I opened the porthole. Crow: That's more like a "plothole", I think. Tom & Mike: [giggle] > It was just big >enough for me to slip out. When the water was high enough, I used >the current to help propel myself out. Mike: [as Brian] I guess I wasn't as small as I thought.... > The ship broke in half >just after I got out. The current outside the boat was a >different matter. Tom: It broke into half before I left the ship. > I consider myself a fine swimmer, but the >current was stronger than I could handle. I was pulled under by >the force of the water. The cold was nothing, compared to >winter on Minutiae. Mike: And let's not even getting into Minnesotian winters! Brrr! Crow: Oh, *everything's* better on Minutiae. > But there was still the risk of drowning. I >knew I could hold my breath a good ten minutes, but the nearest >boats were at least a twelve minute swim away. Then, it passed >over me. Tom: [Brian] It was the Nautilis! Captain Nemo was responsible for the disaster, not the innocent iceberg! > The very iceberg responsible for the disaster. Crow: [as Brian] That was one evil iceberg, let me tell you. > I noticed >it had a pocket of air in a cavity of the iceberg. Mike: [shivers just a bit] Ack! Now I remember why I don't want to go visit the dentist. Crow: There was also a strange, red, white, and blue clad man encased in the ice there... > As I swam up, >I noticed the cavity was actually more like a passage. I took a >nice long breath, then made my way though the frozen passage. Tom: Apparently, this must be a piece of Superman's Fortress of Solitude. Mike: Global warming'll get you ever time. > I >found myself just above the surface, and from there, made it to a >nearby boat, and back to dry land." > Crow: Gyp! That's was about as near death as being attacked by a paperclip! >With Brian's painful memories comforted, Bart still had to pick >a movie. Mike: [as Bart] Ah, what a deep, revealing, and horrific tale. So, what about "Happy Gilmore?" > After going through the entire film library three more >times, Tom: ...Bart realized that he had a problem making decisions. He pondered about maybe thinking about taking a self assertion class. > Bart decided to use one of Brian's directorial >masterpieces, Sally Sue, which starred Kim. Crow: That's that movie with Carrottop, right? Mike: Well, they better watch the widescreen version then. You don't want to miss even a millimeter of that cinematic masterpiece. > When Bart told Brian >and Kim of his choice, they glanced at each other,remembering >the last time they had watched Sally Sue. Tom: [as Kim] Did we ever see this, honey? Crow: [as Brian] I don't think so, dear. Maybe Willy picked it up. > It was just hours >before they conceived the child Kim was now carrying. Crow: [excited] Double Whoa! Mike: [head in his hands] Oh, please, no.... > For >them, it was truly the most romantic movie in the world. It was >now Thursday, and, as they did every afternoon, Tom: They destroyed the earth with their Vogon Constructor Fleet. > Bart's teammates >came over to the mansion. Tom: [as Brian] Damn sponges. Always emptying my fridge. Get a job, you goldbricking mooches! > Brian took it upon himself to help >Andros blend in on Earth. Mike: [as Andros] You sure dressing as Marilon Manson will help me fit in? Crow: [as Brian] I'm sure of it. > Bart and Ashley strolled through the >estate's vast gardens. Tom: Ah! What a bountiful crop of decorative throw-pillow zucchinis. Mike: [screaming] AHHHHHHH! > "Well," Bart told her, "I have made all >the preparations for our date Tomorrow night. Crow: [as Ashley] What are we going to do Tomorrow night? Tom: [as Bart] Same thing we do every night, Ashley... snog each other silly! > We have dinner >reservations at six, and I have selected a movie which Brian and >Kim consider quite romantic." "Sounds good," Ashley replies Tom: [as Ashley] After all, Kimberley and I have the same taste in color. Why wouldn't we have the same taste in movies? > , "I >guess you should pick me up at five, that way, you can have time >to meet the family. Daddy always closes the garage at five." > >Finally, the big day arrived, yet Bart still had one problem, >what car to drive. Mike: [as Bart] Hmmm. Should I take the Pinto, the Nova or the Gremlin? Decisions, decisions... > Brian and Kim taught Bart how to drive shortly >after he arrived on Earth, but the selection of cars available to >him at the estate was just too vast. Mike: Unfortunately, for Bart, they were all Fords. > Brian, however, had the >perfect car for him. Brian told him, "Back in the fifties and >sixties, Crowmeowme Industries had an automotive division. Tom: [as Brian] We also made steel too. Did I mention that? > We >made cars the way television networks make shows; Crow: They were all copycats of each other that appealed to the 18-25 year old range and contained large amounts of sex and inneundo? > with specific >demographics." Brian led his cousin to a section at the rear of >the massive garage/car museum. Mike: [as Bart] Here is my collection of garages. There's a red one, a blue one, a brick one, one made of guess what...? > They stopped in front of the >most interesting vehicle Bart had ever seen. Crow: [as Bart] The New Volkswagon Beetle? Tom: [as Brian] Trust me, the girls will go crazy over it! > Like all the cars >Brian owned, it was silver, but what was strange was that it had >no back seat. Tom: And it had no engine. Or steering columns. Oh, heck! It was just four mis-matched tires and a tree-shaped air freshener, okay? > Brian told his cousin, "This is the Crowmeowme >Motors 1955 Teen Dream Special. We designed this as a first car >for teenage drivers. Tom: No way! Crow: This must be apparently why we've never heard of Crowmeowme. If this Teen Dream was "demographically designed" for teenagers, it should've had a back seat the size of Idaho! > The lack of a back seat makes it the perfect >car for a first date. We only made one-hundred of these, of which >I have two; this one and the one behind it . The second one has >no miles on it, and is in pristine shape." > Mike: [as Brian] However, this first one will be driven by Mr. O'Brien and Mr. O'Kieve. >At 4:40, with a full tank of gas, and a bouquet of fresh- >cut flowers on the dash board, Bart pulled out of the estate, >heading towards Ashley's house. Crow: Bart then spent the next two hours looking for "Where Ashley Lives" Street. > The Hammond residence was right >next to Mr Hammond's garage, where he made a decent living. Bart >pulled up at 4:59 on the dot, Crow: [as Dot Warner] Hey, Ow! Get that car off of me! > just as Mr Hammond turned the >closed sign. Tom: o/~ Closing time... o/~ > Bart got out of the car, the bouquet in his hand, >and headed to the front door. The moment he stepped on the porch, >Ashley opened the door. "You certainly are prompt," Ashley told >him. Crow: [as Ashley] However, I'm late... Tom: [as Bart] Whatever do you mean? If I'm on time, and you're here...? Crow: [as Ashley] Oh, never mind. > Bart responded, "It's a habit, Mike: Bart's become a nun? > one I don't intend to >break." Bart gave Ashley the flowers, as she led him into the >family room. Mr Hammond had just slipped out of his work >coveralls, and sat with the rest of the family, Crow: AIE! He's NAKED! All: AIE! > ready to meet the >young man who was interested in his little girl. Ashley >introduced Bart to her family, "Mom, Daddy, JJ, Mike: The Jet Plane? > this is Bart." >"Nice to meet you, son." Mr Hammond said, "I understand >you've got quite an IQ?" All: *snicker* Crow: Yes, I'm sure that's the first thing every girl's father asks of a potential date. > Bart responded, "Yes sir, it runs in my >family." "You gonna marry my sister?" interrupts JJ. "Julius >Joshua!" Mrs Hammond admonishes. > Mike: Jinglehimerschidt? Crow & Tom: [singing] His name is my name too! >Bart continued, "I graduated High School by age 13, went >to Harvard, and completed business school last June. Crow: [as Bart] Of course, it's hard not to work fast when you're continually in a wedgie... > I considered >several offers before deciding to move here to work for my >cousin. " Tom: [as Bart] He makes steel, you know. Mike: *THANK YOU*, Tom. > Bart was glad he and Brian worked out that cover story. >Mr Hammond asked, "Was that a Teen Dream you pulled up in?" "Yes >sir, my cousin loaned it to me. His father was the man who >designed it." Mike: [as Hammond] Thanks kid! Now I finally know who I was cursing at all those years in High School! > Mr Hammond was impressed, "I haven't seen one since >I was in high school. My best friend had one, but I was stuck >with an Edsel my father bought for me. That Teen Dream was >the beauty that got me interested in being a mechanic. Tom: [as Hammond] Well, that and those calendars that them garages have... > In that >condition, it must be worth a pretty penny." Bart replied, "I >wouldn't know, sir, but my cousin has two, this one, and one that >he never drives. Crow: [as Bart] He says that one is Hitler's Death Car. > He keeps both in factory condition. Like >yourself, he's quite good with cars, he keeps all the cars on the >estate in perfect working order." Crow: Dear lord. We're trapped in the middle of "Speedway." > Mr Hammond smiles and says, >"Anyone who has family that keeps a classic like that in >working order can't be too bad." > Mike: So, this guy thinks that a young man with a car that screams out "I'm going to make out with your daughter on the first date" is a-ok? Tom: Odd sense of morals, maybe. Crow: Or it could just be West Virginia. >As the young couple prepares to leave, Mr Hammond tells Bart, >"I'm sure Ashley will be in good hands with you. Crow: [British accent] If you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge. > Have her home by >ten, and we'll get along just fine." "That shouldn't be a >problem, sir." Bart and Ashley walk out the door, Bart earns >extra points by opening the car door for Ashley. Mike: And the kick up, and it's GOOD! > With seat-belts >safely buckled, Tom: This date brought to you by the Triple A. > the two head off towards Chateau de Cuisine. They >arrived at the restaurant at five till six, Bart again opens the >door for Ashley, rather than let the pimple-faced valet do it. Tom: Hey! That's no way to talk about the next blue ranger! >They enter the establishment, and walk up to Jean-Paul, the >maitre'd. "Crowmeowme, party of two." Bart says. "Ah, of course. >Right zis way." Tom: [French accent] Zut alors! Zis accent is le terrible! > Jean-Paul tells them, and leads them to the best >table in the restaurant. Bart and Ashley study the menu, >"Remember," Bart tells her, Mike: [as Bart] They'll be a quiz on this later. > "Price is irrelevant, Mike: You will be assimilated into the collective. Crow: Mike? Mike: Sorry. "Hail to the Queen" flashback. > order whatever >you want." Crow: [as Ashley] Oh, I just want 3 crackers and a glass of water, please. > They soon place their orders, and while they wait for >their meal, Bart summons the restaurant's violin player to >entertain them. Tom: [as Bart] "Bittersweet Symphony", my good man. > After a magnificent feast, Bart and Ashley depart >for the mansion at 7:25. > >They arrive at the mansion at 7:49. Mike: Ashley now had 2 hours and 22 minutes to live. > Bart leaves the car in >the parking circle out front, Crow: Where it is promptly towed away. > since he will need it to drive >Ashley home. The two of them head directly to the theater, Brian >and Kim never knew they came in. Mike: They were too distracted by the three jerks in the front row who kept making fun of the movie. Crow: [Tom] Hostage Negotiations, the Power Rangers way! Tom: [Mike, singing] The only family that she's ever had are her 7 older brothers and a drunk-ass dad... Mike: [Crow] Can we skip the raising hell and just get straight to the orgy? Tom: [Mike] Mike! Er, Crow! > Bart uses a remote control to >start the film, which Ashley had never seen. Crow: Yep. Those remotes are one of those special Minutiaen inventions. > Being a gentleman >and a being of honor, Bart doesn't make a move unless Ashley >encourages it. Crow: Bart therefore is frozen in place all night. > It takes him half an hour just to wrap his arm >around her. Ashley was surprised, she didn't know her >former teammate Brian was such a good director. Tom: He even had a large collection of directing awards. The Golden Raspberry, if she recalled correctly. > "You should see >the movie he made about the Rangers," Bart told her. Brian's >Power Rangers movie was one of the things Bart studied in order >to prepare for becoming Brian's replacement. Mike: Brian's in charge of making the Power Ranger Training films. Tom: In addition to his steel industry, Mike. Mike: Oh, of *course*. > Ashley was further >surprised when, half-way through the film, a robot, less >sophisticated than either Alpha, entered the theater with >a variety of treats. Crow: [as Ashley] Mint flavored condoms? Tom: [as Bart] Shh! Go away, robot! > Bart took a box of Snow-Caps, Ashley grabbed >some popcorn, both of them got root beer, then the robot left as >suddenly as it arrived. > [Tom and Crow *pop* out of shot, leaving Mike alone] Mike: Hey, not you two! Get back in here! [Tom and Crow *pop* back into place.] Crow: Awww.... >After the movie, which Ashley thought was wonderful, >Bart, noticing they had roughly half an hour before she had to be >home, led her to the game room. Tom: [as Bart] How about a round of Strip Candy Land before we're done? > "I noticed you seemed to enjoy >this game," Bart said as he uncovered the pool table, "perhaps a >quick game before we leave?" Ashley responded, "OK, but I'm >pretty good with a cue." Crow: That's why she's a regular on "Who's Line is it Anyway?" > Bart racked the balls, with expert >skills, Ashley noted. Being a gentleman, Bart let Ashley break. >Ashley sank four balls before missing a shot. Crow: You know, I never knew how many euphemisms that playing pool could supply. Mike: Thank you for keeping quiet about them. Crow: Hey, no problem! > Bart, >however, using his newly acquired skills, didn't miss a shot. "I >had Brian teach me everything there is to know about this game. >He said that with a table this expensive, you have to call the >game billiards." Mike: [as Bart] Then he told me that I should call you a concubine. > Ashley chuckled at the joke as they headed to >the car. They arrived at her house at 9:55, giving them five >minutes to say goodnight. Tom: Fortunately, for Ashley, she only need 5 seconds. > "I had a wonderful time, Bart." "As did >I, Ashley. I hope that we can do this again soon." "So do >I, Bart." "Well, Ashley, I guess I'll see you Tomorrow." "Yeah," >Ashley said, right before they kissed. > > > > > Mike: Oh. I guess it's over. Crow: Huh. Well that wasn't too bad. Tom: Let's head outside. I've got an idea. Mike: Sure. [Mike retrieves Tom and they all leave the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The Bridge. A railing is in the foreground. A backdrop of the night sky is hung over the back wall. Mike, dressed as a steamship captain from the early 1900s. "Southhampton" plays softly in the background.] Mike: So, the North Star Line wants this ship to set a trans-Atlantic speed record, does it? Well then, engine room! Full speed! And damn the consequences... [Gypsy, wearing a sailor's cap, rushes in.] Gypsy: Captain! Captain! Iceberg, dead ahead! Mike: They've damned us all! Nothing can save us now! [The incidental music for the Power Rangers begins to play. (You know, the "Go go, Power Rangers" thing.) Crow, dressed in a pink spandex outfit, and Tom, dressed in a similar red outfit, bounce into the scene.] Crow: Not so fast, Captain! We can help! Mike: Who the devil are you? Tom: We're the Mighty Morphing Titanic Rangers! Crow: Yes, until just moments ago, we were merely a struggling artist and a disaffected socialite, but then we were met by this alien... Mike: Look, I don't care who you are. Can you save us from this iceberg? Tom: Of course! Because we're the... Bots: Mighty Morphing Titanic Rangers! [The incidental music begins to play again. Tom and Crow do martial arts moves about as well as robots can do martial arts.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: So! Those Mighty Morphing Titanic Rangers think that they can stop my plan? Brain Guy! [evilly] Send down the Bergies! Observer: Right away, oh most magnificent one. [They begin to laugh manically. Bobo stares at Pearl, then turns to stare at Observer, then back to Pearl.] Bobo: Lawgiver? Brain Guy? Are you feeling okay? [The laughter ends.] Pearl: Sorry. Got a bit carried away in the moment. Brain Guy? Send the Bergies, please. Observer: Of course. [Observer Sound F/X] [SoL] [Suddenly, a pair of people dressed in silver-blue bodysuits appear in the scene.] Crow: Gasp! Oh no! Bergies are attacking! Tom: The evil One must have sent them! [The bots leap into battle with the bergies. Mike and Gypsy stare at the battle dispassionately.] Gypsy: Mike, this sucks. I'm outta here. [She exits.] Mike: Yeah, you're right. This is pretty... hey, Paul? Is that you? Tom: Shut up, Mike. Mike: It is you, Paul! I can see your glasses under that bodysuit! [One of the bergies throws up his hands and storms off the bridge.] Crow: Oh, great Mike. Just ruin our segment. Mike: I'm sorry! I didn't know he'd storm off like that! [The fanfic signs begins to flash.] Tom: And now we've got fanfic sign! Thanks a lot Mike! Mike: I said I'm sorry! [As Mike protests his innocence, the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] > > Power Rangers > Featuring Mike: Garth Brooks, Wendy O. Williams and Boris Yeltsin! > The Crowmeowme Family > in > Marriage of the Millennium... Message Crow: This marriage will suffer from a Y2K bug! Flee for your lives! >by >Gold Astro Ranger >(formerly Turbo Ranger Prime) > Mike: The Ranger formally knows as Turbo? >Disclaimer: Power Rangers and related characters are property of >Saban Productions. Most members of the Crowmeowme Family are my >creations. This story may not be reproduced, distributed, or >altered without my consent. Listed films and songs are owned by >Walt Disney Productions. Tom: Even "Debbie Does Dallas"? Crow: Yeah. They bought the rights to that one before Eisner came aboard. >Note: The opinions expressed within are not necessarily what will >happen if The Millennium Message ever sees the airwaves. > Tom: Just exactly what is this Millennium Message? Mike: Probably that the millennium doesn't start till Jan 1, 2001, and all those partygoers are going to have to prepare for another big thing. >It was June 12, 2000, and a vast Crowd was gathered at the >Crowmeowme estate in Angel Heights, Tom: [as Bart] I told you that those "I HEART Steel" t-shirts would be a bad idea! > the exclusive area outside >of Angel Grove. They were gathered for the wedding of Bart >Crowmeowme and Ashley Hammond. Crow: They were all in line for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. > Bart and Ashley had been seeing >each other for over a year and a half, and now, they were finally >getting married. Mike: A year and a half? Only seemed like 5 minutes to us! > Of the three Crowmeowmes who migrated to Earth >from the planet Minutiae, Bart, aka Micron, waited the longest >to marry his Earth-born love, Ashley. Tom: The others were hitched within moments of landing to former members of the Spice Girls. > She had been, over the >past two and a half years, his teacher in Earthly ways, Mike: So... Men are from Minutiae, Women are from Earth? That doesn't make sense... > his >teammate, his closest friend, his girlfriend, his lover, and now, >his fiance. The mansion's ballroom was filled with friends and >family, including Power Rangers. Crow: [muffled] Hey, there's a bit more space here! Let's fit the Ninja Turtles in there! > Not since the marriage of Adam >and Tanya had the Rangers gathered for such a pleasant event. >But, in the front row of seats, there were four empty chairs, >each a different color; red, pink, black, and blue. Tom: Round One of the National Musical Chairs Championship was about to commence. > These chairs >were held in honor of four Rangers who could not attend, the >only four Power Rangers ever to give their lives in the defense >of Earth and the universe. > Crow: Most of the Power Rangers simply ran away when their lives were threatened, but not these four. >Turn the clock back three months, March 1, 2000. Mike: Los Angeles is just beginning to dig out from the post-Y2K bug rioting.... Crow: Heeeey...Anyone wanna bet that Bart and Ashley are going to get married soon? Mike: No way, Crow. > The Power >Rangers, Bart, Ashley, Andros, TJ, Cassie, and Carlos, were >summoned to the Power Station, orbiting command center, formerly >the Astro Megaship, by Dimitria. "Rangers," Dimitria said, "an >army of evil greater than any ever assembled has been detected >heading towards Earth. Tom: Yeah, yeah, we've heard that before. > I have summoned former Rangers to help you >fight them, but I fear that the combined power of twenty Rangers >may not be enough to defeat them." Mike: [aghast] *TWENTY* Rangers?! Crow: Well, I think we can forget about trying to follow continuity here. Tom: Like there was any continuity to begin with, Crow. > Alpha 7, successor to Alpha >6, who sacrificed himself in the final battle with Dark Spectre >and Astronema, directed the Rangers attention to the monitor. Mike: [as Bart] That's not an army of evil! That's just a bunch of flying toasters! >"Ok-ok-ok, we have developed a series of extremely powerful >zords," said Alpha. Tom: Joe Pesci *is* Alpha 7! Crow: As long as he doesn't start blabbing about Pepsi, I'm ok with that! > On the monitor appeared larger versions of >the original Dinozords, the Dragonzord, Thunderzords, > Ninjazords, Shogunzords, ZeoZords, Super ZeoZords, TurboZords, >RescueZords, and AstroZords. Mike: [as Shaggy] Zoinks! Crow: Why do I feel like the Zord of Damocles is hanging over my head? Tom: [as car salesman] Come on down to Alpha's House of Zords, with free balloons for the children! > Dimitria continued, "We have also >begun reconstructing Power Weapons, more powerful than their >predecessors incarnations. We are also working on such weapons as >Dragon Dagger, Saba, and Manareek." > Crow: And Fastjack's over in the den working on a level hack for Tomb Raider IV: Lara at Miami Beach. Mike: You know, SDI wasn't that bad of an idea, now that I think about it. >Below on Earth, the single largest gathering of Rangers was >beginning to take shape at the former site of the command >center/Power Chamber. Mike: That is, the 7-11 on the corner of 5th and Main. > The Crowmeowmes, Brian and Kim and Bob and >Kat, were first to arrive. Other Rangers began arriving, each >with different stories of what they'd been doing since the last >gathering of Rangers. Tom: The Power Ranger Class Reunion of '01! > Jason now owned a martial arts dojo and >was engaged to Emily. Zack was a dancer in a new Broadway play, >which was getting good reviews. Mike: [monotone] It-was-much-better-than-Cats-I-will-go-see-it -again-and-again. > Trini was still living in >Switzerland, working for world peace. Crow: Oooh. She's a Miss America contestant then. Mike: [as Trini] finally, the French and the English are back on speaking terms! I can't believe how much I screwed that one up! > Billy, just back from >Aquitar, is a father of three. Mike: Didn't Jethro Tull sing that? > Tommy is now a pro stock car racer >for his uncle. Tom: Yep. It's Speedway, all right. Bill Bixby will be showing up any second now... > Rocky owns an arcade in Stone Canyon. Adam and >Tanya are married and co-own a small recording studio in Angel >Grove. Aisha is a tribal priestess in Africa. Tom: [as Brian] What, none of you make steel? Yeesh, what's the matter with you? > Other than the >current Rangers, the last to arrive is Justin, still in >high school, captain of the soccer team and Student Council >president. Kat had just graduated from the Royal Academy three >weeks prior and was considering positions in prestigious ballet >companies, including the Bolshoi. > Mike: Bless you. >Soon, the current Rangers and Alpha 7 arrive, and a vision of >Dimitria appears in front of the massive group. Crow: Someone spiked the french fries! They're having a mass halicigen! > "Rangers," Tom: [Dimitria] I... eegah! Dear lord! I'd didn't expect to see so many of you! [mumbling] They're like tribbles. All they do is eat, breed and kick alien booty. >begins Dimitria, "in order to confront the coming onslaught, we >must gather allies whom you have fought along side in the past. Mike: This has all the setup of an Eddings novel. >Only one Ranger each shall be sent to recruit these Allies." >Seven circles of light appear in front of the Rangers. Tom: [singing] In the circle of liggght! > "Jason," >says Dimitria, "as a former Gold Ranger, you shall go to Triforia >and find Lord Trey. Mike: He'll probably be hanging with Baron Stone, eating cheesy poofs. > He shall be needed." Jason moves into the >first circle. "Tommy," she continues, Crow: [as Dimitria] You can play pinball, right? Oh wait, you can't even hear me, can you? > "you shall go to find >Titanus, who has left Earth for the planet Diniv." Mike: Maybe Perot was right about NAFTA.. they're taking away all those jobs from us! > Tommy enters >the second circle. "Rocky," Dimitria says, "you shall go into the >desert and enter the temple of Ninjor. Crow: Ninjas? In the desert? Mike: They're probably going to go find the sandworms of the Brazilian rain forests next. > His skills shall prove >most vital in the coming battle." Rocky steps towards the third >circle. Dimitria continues, "Billy, return to Aquitar and bring >back the Delphine and her Rangers." Crow: [as Dimitria] Oh, and if you find Marcus, the popsicle-boy, then bring him along too. > Billy maneuvers his way >towards the fourth circle. "Be forewarned, Billy," Dimitria adds, >"the armada of evil is within striking distance of Aquitar." > Mike: Remember, don't try to fight them with a macaroni duck. >Dimitria points towards Kat and says, "You were among the first >Rangers on Earth to meet Lerigot. You shall go to Liaria and >request his presence. We shall come up with means for him to >survive on Earth." Tom: Oh sure...[as Kat] Hey, come to Earth and help us.. you might die and all, but it'll be FUN! > Kat, giving Bob a hug, moves towards the >fifth circle. "Justin," Dimitria continues, "You gave your lucky >coin to Blue Senturion once. You must go to the Intergalactic >Police Academy and bring him back to Earth.." Mike: If this is what happens if you give money to homeless people, I'm keeping all my change! > Justin >leaps towards the sixth circle. "And what of the seventh circle?" Crow: It's where false prophets live. >asks Cassie, hoping she will get to seek out her beloved Phantom >Ranger. Tom: [deep voice] Who knows what lurks in the heart of Cassie? The Phantom Ranger knows.... > "That circle," Dimitria responds, "is for Brian. He must >go to Phaedos and find Dulcea, the master warrior. Her Ninjetti >skills will be our secret weapon. Mike: "Nin-jet-ti"? Trent Raznor doing water stunts? > Give her this." Crow: [Dimitria] It's a Nordic track. She's looking a bit chunky lately, but don't tell her that I said that! > A strange, >high-tech belt appears in front of the seventh circle. All: PUMAMAN! Crow: Oh, I hope Videlia's going to be in this! I miss that guy! > Dimitria >continues, "It will allow her to leave her plateau without >aging." Brian kisses Kim as he enters the seventh circle and >grabs the belt. Tom: ...and his pants drop to his ankles. Crow: [as Dimitria] Wrong belt! > Dimitria ends with "Good Luck on you quests >Rangers, and Let The Power protect You!" > Mike: And I thought Ratliff had a monopoly on the endless introduction scene. Crow: I heard in the next scene, Dimitria give instructions to everyone in Butte, Montana. Mike: Wonderful. >Billy arrives on Aquitar at the command center for the Aquitian >rangers. Mike: Unfortunately, he still has to go through customs. > He had hoped to arrive at his residence, and contact >Delphine and the others from there. Before he could shout for >anyone, the whole structure shook from a massive explosion. Crow: [shouting] Help! I had too much pop rocks and Pepsi! >Soon, the five Aquitian Rangers entered the room. "Billy," said >a startled Delphine, "I thought you had gone to Earth?" Billy >responded, "I did, but I was asked to return and bring you back >to Earth to help stop the army of evil, which I presume >was responsible for that explosion." Tom: [as Delphine] Nah, it's just Rush Limbaugh doing his jumping jacks. > "Yes," said Cestral, "our >scanners indicate it was a Machine Empire skybase, accompanied >by Master Vile's skullship." Soon, a red alert sounded throughout >the complex. Mike: I see the guy on the red alert button is quite attentive. > "There was a massive bombardment," said Cestral, >"massive destruction in quadrants 40 though 65." Billy was >shocked, "Sixty-Five?!. Crow: [as Billy] I keep telling those stormtroopers that we don't have those blasted droids! > Cestria and the kids! Delphine, send me > there." Billy soon found himself in what was left of his >residence. Tom: Young Jimmy's been playing with the chemistry set again. > "Cestria, Zordonia, Alphana, Manati!" he shouted for >his family. Crow: What sort of names are those? Mike: I hear that "Manati" means "The Wetter of Beds" in Aquatian. > "Daddy!" a weak voice called from an adjoining room. > >As Billy entered the adjoining room, he was saddened by what he >saw. Crow: [as Billy] Matthew Broderick? As Inspector Gadget? Are they insane? > The twins, Zordonia and Alphana, were dead, crushed beneath >a fallen oxygen generator. Tom: These must be the new airmasks that Northwest will be providing in case of a loss in cabin pressure. > The youngest, Manati, was loosing >blood rapidly. And Cestria, his beloved wife, was unconscious. >Billy roused her with the Aquitian equivalent of smelling salts. Mike: Which for some reason, was wheat germ. >"Billy," she said weakly, "I'm glad your home." Crow: [as Cestria] Sorry... about the ... mess... > She looked at the >destruction around her, and at her two dead children. "Our >younglings, "she said, growing ever weaker, "I couldn't save > them. And Manati is dying as well." Tom: [as Cestria] But I saved our Hummels. > "You aren't doing that well >yourself," Billy told her, "The medical units are on the way, but >with twenty-five quadrants affected, it could be awhile." Mike: [as Billy] But they said they could get here earlier if something froze over though... > Manati >looked up, said "Mommy, Daddy, I love you," and then, little >Manati died. Billy shed many tears for his children, then >comforted his dying wife. Tom: [as Billy] ..5...6...7... Ok, that's enough. Back to being a Power Ranger! > "Billy," she said, fading fast, "I hope >you can find happiness with another, perhaps someone on Earth. Mike: Hey? How about Sandra? Crow: [as Cestira] Ah, who am I kidding? Billy, you're going to die alone and friendless. >But, always remember me." "I love you," he responded, holding >her close. He gave her one final kiss and then, Cestria died in >his arms. > Mike: Billy then roars out the Klingon death cry. >As Billy wept over the loss of his family, Brian was arriving on >Phaedos, looking for Dulcea. Tom: [as Brian] Where the heck am I? I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albequerque... > He landed in a rocky section of the >planet, "Just like the arrival scene in my movie," he thought, >and made his way towards Dulcea's plateau. Tom & Crow: ROCK CLIMBING! > Brian was amazed how >little had changed in six thousand years. Mike: Oh sure, ignoring the small shifts in the continental plates, the rise and fall of several empires, and the changes in evolution. Crow: Well, I bet that Wal-Mart was still there 6000 years ago. Tom: [as Brian] Still not enough steel, though. > Soon, he reached the >edge of the plateau, where, in his script, Tengu attacked the >Rangers. Mike: [as Brian, reading] "Brian then throws himself over the plateau"... hey, I don't remember writing that! > "If this were my movie," he said to himself," some >Tengas would swoop down from the sky." As if on cue, a flock of >Tengas, accompanied by Prince Gasket and Archerina, attacked >Brian. Tom: [as Brian Blessed] Fly! Fly, my Hawkmen, fly! > "So, former Ranger," said Gasket, "Is your marriage so >unhappy now that you seek a former love?" "Taunt me all you >want," responded Brian, "My marriage is strong, and your >Alliance is weak." Mike: So the wed is mightier than the sword? > Brian created an arsenal to fight the Tengas, >knocking several out of the sky, then turning his attention to >the mechanical miscreants. Brian created a Katana-sword, with >which he removed Archerina's head from her mechanical torso. Tom: [as Brian] Ah, got that nasty wart off. >"Press the attack," Gasket told the Tengas. > Crow: Press the button, Frank! >The Tengas began to surround Brian when, from out of nowhere >there came a high-pitched trill. All: JADZIA! Crow: *NOW* this is going to get interesting... Mike: Wait, I thought she was dead... > The Tengas' sensitive ears were >overwhelmed, and they fled. Mike: The main fighting force of Phaedos can be defeated by a Sheryl Crow CD? Man, these guys are wimps! > Without back-up, Gasket grabbed >Archerina's head and body and retreated. Crow: Gasket just wanted to get ahead... > Brian looked up to >ledge and saw just what he expected, a green- cloaked figure >putting a two-part staff back together. Tom: Robin Hood?! > "Nice timing, Dulcea. I > see my gift to you works as good as ever," he shouted to >her. Mike: If it fell apart, how can it be any good? > "Morphos!" Dulcea screamed excitedly, leaping to the ground, >shedding her cloak, Crow: Hello, what's this? Mike: She's only decloaking. Must be a Warbird. > and embracing her former lover. "Not to >tight, Dulcea, I'm married with two children now," he told her. Mike: [as Brian] Have you met my lovely wife, Barbara Streisand? >"Oh," she said, letting go of him, "I guess after six thousand >years, I should have expected you to have found happiness. Tom: Six thousand years and only 2 kids? What, does he only feel in the mood every millennium or something? > Come, >let's go to the temple." The two ex-lovers made their way to the >Ninjetti temple, looking exactly as it did when Brian last saw >it. Mike: ...a pile of smouldering ashes. > "So, where's Snoggle?" he asked. Crow: Snoggle the Doggle! > Dulcea responded sadly, >"Snoggle died a century ago, he had a good long life." "I'm >sorry," Brian told her, remembering when he gave Snoggle to her. > Tom: Is it just me, or does it sound like Snoggle is the name that Dulcea named the hickey that Brian gave her? >After preparing some squirbs, Mike: Mmmmm, roasted squirbs! Crow: Tastes like chicken! > Dulcea asked, "What brings you here >after all this time?" Brian told her, "An Alliance of evil >unlike any ever seen is threatening Earth. Tom: Earth, and only Earth, mind you. Even though the entire planet is backwater compared to the rest of the galaxy, and hasn't even invented long-term space travel yet, and can't possibly be a threat to the rest of the universe. > The group that >attacked me was just a small portion. I have been sent here by >Dimitria of Inquarus, Zordon's successor, to recruit your help." Mike: [as Brian] So, where are they? We desperately need those waiters, groundskeepers and valets! >"I would be honored to," she replied hesitantly, "but you know >that if I leave this plateau, let alone Phaedos itself, I >would age rapidly." Crow: [as Dulcea] I might get wrinkles! > "That can be prevented," Brian told her as he >reached for the Power Box he wore and got the belt Dimitria gave >him. "Wear this," he told her, Tom: [as Brian] And you shall become the great and powerful PUMAMA- er... PUMAWOMAN! > "It will prevent you from aging, >or so Dimitria says." Mike: It will also hold up her pants. > Dulcea takes the belt from Brian and >places it around her waist. Soon, a strange, green aura surrounds >her. Crow: Man, does she have a great aura, or what! > "Perhaps a local test before we leave the planet," Brian > suggests, "perhaps to the Nathadian Monolith?" "Once we step off >the plateau, we'll know if this works. Mike: [as Dulcea] And if it doesn't, I'm dead. Ok, let's go! > And the Great Power should >be helpful against the Alliance." The two of them step off the >plateau, Dulcea doesn't age rapidly. Tom: However, both do plummet quickly to their deaths. > Soon, they head towards the >monolith and the Great Power. > Crow: They're going to become Space Babies! >The other five Rangers also experience delaying tactics. Mike: Probably stopped home to play Mortal Kombat 4 on their Playstation. > Jason is >confronted by Barox Bounty Hunters and Quantrons, but receives >assistance from Trey. Tommy encounters Super Putties, Tom: Super Putties? What's their special power? Mike: Sticking to the comics, then pulling themselves into weird shapes in order to distort them! > under >Klank's command, but Titanus arrives with the special blasters. Mike: Oh, thank goodness for those special blasters! Crow: My heart nearly stopped beating there! >Rocky's journey to Ninjor's temple is delayed by the appearance >of Vampirus and Count Nocturne, but Ninjor's timely arrival >sends the blood-thirsty duo fleeing. Tom: On further review, it was discovered that they were only Jehovah's Witnesses. > Kat's search for Lerigot on >Liaria is hindered by Pirahanoids, humanoid creatures on whom the >Pirahanatrons are based, but Lerigot's magic saves her. Mike: You know, I'm sensing a pattern here. > Elgar and >Rito had been sent to stop Justin from contacting the Blue >Senturion at the Intergalactic Police Academy. Crow: Starring Intergalactic Steve Guttenburg! > Fortunately, for >Justin, the two dimwits thought they were told to watch Police >Academy and were in the middle of Police Academy 5 when their >mistake was discovered. Crow: D'oh! Mike: Hey, good call, Crow! Tom: When will Evil ever learn never to hire dimwits to do the evil deeds? > General Havok and Scorpina were sent >instead. The evil duo attacked the academy shortly after Justin >arrived. Crow: Coincidentally, the attack came shortly after the film crew arrived too. > It took the combined skills of all instructors and >cadets to give Justin and the Senturion enough time to head for >Earth. > Mike: Leaving the Academy in ruins. >By the time the seven Rangers returned with the Allies they >sought, the last of the Power Weapons had been completed. Crow: Nerf Scud Missiles! >Dimitria, using D.E.C.A., Mike: Don't Eat Candied Apples? Tom: Doing Etchings of Christina Applegate? Crow: Damn Enough of the Clinton Administration? > the Power Station's on-board computer, >determined assignments for the gathered throng of Rangers. Mike: Phew, at least that wasn't for a *thong* of Rangers! >Jason, Zack, Trini, Billy, and Kim would wear their original >outfits. Jason would also receive the new Dragon Dagger and >Dragon Shield. Tom: As well as the Dragon Key Finder, the Dragon Minivac and the Dragon Putting Wedge. > Zack and Trini would command the DinoMegazord, >Jason the Dragonzord, and Billy and Kim the ThunderMegazord. Crow: In a change of pace, Rocky was asked to command the '72 AMC PacerMegazord. >Brian was given his second Silver outfit, Manareek, and command >of CheetahZord. Tommy was given his White Ranger uniform and >command of both the TigerZord and FalconZord, with Saba at his >side. Rocky, Adam, Aisha and Kat were given the Metallic Armor. Mike: Which allowed them to sing Twisted Sister and Megadeth songs really well. >Rocky and Aisha were placed in charge of the NinjaMegazord, >while Adam and Kat oversaw the ShogunMegazord. Tom: There's not enough outfits to go around?! Yeesh! Crow: [as Dimitria] I've determined that all you females will have to go around in a bikini. > When it was >determined that Tanya was the only Ranger left with Zeo >experience who could command both the ZeoMegazord and >SuperZeoMegazord, Bob solved this by cloning Adam, Rocky, Kat and >Tommy, all wearing the Zeo uniforms and using Zeo weapons. > Mike: [smacks his head] Why didn't they just clone them all before?! Yeesh! Tom: "Zen and the art of Zeo Weapons," coming to bookstores this Christmas. >Tommy2 would be given the Red Battlezord, while Tanya and Adam2 >commanded the ZeoMegazord and Rocky2 and Kat2 took charge of the >Super ZeoMegazord. The recently rebuilt Robot Rangers, Crow: ROBOT Rangers?! Tom: Mike, did you have a hand in building those? Mike: No way! You saw what my first robot did! > Bart and >Justin were given the Turbo Uniforms and the new Turbo R.A.M. Tom: It's a nitrous-oxide powered sheep! >Justin, Robot Ashley and Robot Carlos were placed in the >TurboMegazord, while Robot Cassie, Robot Justin and Robot TJ were >to operate RescueMegazord. Mike: And now, they're about to time travel forward in time to get more Rangers to help out. > Bart was placed in control of > MegaLimozord. Crow: The MegaLimozord?! What, is this what the guests of the Power Rangers use to get to and from the studio? > Andros was given control of the AstroMegazord, and >the current Rangers used the AstroZords. Dimitra and Alpha 7 >would monitor the battle from a new Power Chamber, one built deep >below the Crowmeowme Estate. Tom: [as Brian] It's made of steel, you know! > Dimitria determined that the best >place for a first line of defense would be the asteroid belt >between Mars and Jupiter, Tom: Boy, won't the Rangers be surprised when the enemy attacks through the Netherlands instead? > with the Astro Megaship as advanced >warning/first strike in the rings of Saturn. Crow: And when Jupiter aligns with Mars, it's the o/~ Age of Aquarius.... o/~ > Andros and the Astro >Megaship would transport Pyramidas, SuperZeoMegazord and >Red Battlezord to the a steroids on his way to Saturn. Tom: Which the Olympic committee immediate caught attention to and disqualified the Red Battlezord. > The other >Rangers would set up on the moon, to prevent the deaths of >further innocents. > Mike: Yes, but is anyone truly innocent? Crow: Enough psychological babble, Nelson! Tom: Let's take a break before we start arguing about Jung, shall we? [The trio stands and exits.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL. Mike is standing at the command console. There are large stacks of books to Mike's left and right. Mike reads one with a puzzled look on his face. Tom and Crow enter.] Crow: Yo! What up, Mike? Mike: Oh, hi there, um, homebots. Tom: Is there something wrong? Mike: Oh, this story's getting to me. I have no idea who most of these characters are. Crow: I can help you on that one, Mike. You see, I'm a big Power Ranger fan... Mike: Really? I thought Tom was the Power Ranger fan, and you were hooked on Sailor Moon because "Gypsp" introduced you to them. [Silence] Tom: Mike, we don't actually have continuity... Mike: Oh. Well, carry on then. Crow: [normal] Anyway, Tom and I have prepared this presentation to instruct you on who these Power Rangers are. [The camera pulls back to show a series of presentation easels that have been set up. Tom now carries a pointer.] Mike: Enlighten me, guys. Crow: Originally, there were five Power Rangers. Tom: Billy, Kimberly, Zack, Trini and Jason. They were, respectively, the Blue, Pink, Black, Yellow, and Red Rangers. Crow: Later Tommy, the Green Ranger, showed up. Mike: He later started that clothing line, right? Tom: Right. Crow: And each of them had a Zord... Mike: Wasn't that a toy line in the 1980s? Tom: No, those were Zoids. Crow: Then, some of the Rangers got traded to the Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad, so they got some replacements, Rocky, Aisha and Adam. Tom: Then Kimberly left, and Kat wandered in... Mike: Terry Farrell played that in the American version, right? Crow: ...and then an annoying kid came in to replace Billy. [Mike begins to speak.] Tom: And no, his name wasn't Wesley. Crow: Or Marrissa. Tom: Or Naomi. [Mike shuts his mouth.] Crow: Then, the Power Rangers moved to Brazil, so they had to create a new team. The new rangers were Amy, Rei, Serena, Chinchilla and Raul. They were the Mighty Morphing Fighting Streetsweeper Power Rangers. Mike: Really? Wow. I never heard of them. Tom: Then, the Power Rangers went into space, and they had to recruit new rangers. So, the new rangers were Rokk Krinn, Irma Arden, Garth Ranzz, Drake Burroughs, and Tenzil Kem.. Mike: Guys? Crow: Yeah? Mike: You're making this up as you go along, aren't you? Crow: Well, yeah. Tom: We have no idea who most of these people are either. Mike: Oh. [pause] Maybe we've got a FAQ around here... [The lights begin to flash.] Mike: Well, we'll just have to suffer through this then cause we've got Ranger sign!!! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The bots and Mike enter and seat themselves.] Crow: So, should we try to explain who's who in Babylon 5 next? Mike: Some other time. >Before the Rangers departed for their battle positions, Dulcea >and Ninjor combined their powers to grant the Rangers additional >powers, a combination of Ninjetti and Ninja, which was dubbed >Ninjatti. Tom: [Dulcea] Look, we changed a letter, and got a bunch of new powers! Isn't it amazing! > Brian, Kim, Tommy, Billy, Adam, Rocky, and Aisha >retained their old spirit animals. Crow: What's Chakotay doing here?! > Jason was given the lion, >fierce and strong. Zack was the mongoose, cunning and swift. Mike: You know, as a spirit animal, the mongoose seems like a really lame choice! >Trini, the Mantis, quick and deadly. Crow: Trini gained the power to regenerate from the deadly attacks of "The Ghost who walks in Space." > Katherine got, oddly enough, >the cat, graceful and clever. Tom: Kat then wandered off to sleep in the sun. > Bob received the cobra, stealthy >and dangerous. Mike: Instantly, Zack and Bob become involved in a bitter fight to the death. > For Tanya, there was the nightingale, musical and >quick. Justin got the ant, small yet powerful. Crow: [as Justin] Oh, no thanks. There's already been enough bug movies this year! > TJ got the owl, >wise and fast. Cassie was bestowed with the rabbit, short and >swift. Mike: And she gained big sharp pointy teeth! > Carlos got the coyote, tricky and strong. Tom: Carlos immediately began investing in the ACME Corportation. Crow: Shouldn't Carlos be the Jackal? > Ashley got the >butterfly, beautiful and elusive. Tom: And easily captured by five year olds with a glass jar. > Bart was the elephant, >unforgetting and powerful. Mike: Okay, we're going to call Bart "Stampy" for the rest of the story. Crow: That seems appropriate. Tom: I wonder if Bart now despises donkeys? Hmmm. > Andros received the nimniem, a >creature indigenous to his homeworld that was known for it's >swift speed and powerful, crushing claws. Crow: So, he's Wolverine then? > With their new >Ninjatti powers, the Rangers departed to their assigned >positions. > Tom: This has all the set up of a logic problem. >Soon, all Ranger units had assumed their battle positions and >were ready for the on-coming battle. What they weren't ready for >was a sneak attack by a small force consisting of King Sphinx, >Robogoat, Repellator, Hydro Hog, Cog Changer, and Count >Nocturne. Mike: They're not supervillians. It's actually the faculty of Harvard's economic department. Tom: Soon, the Power Rangers will learn all about the joys of macroeconomics. > While Sphinx, Robogoat, Repellator and Hydro Hog >attacked the Astro Megaship, Cog Changer and Nocturne snuck >aboard. Mike: They were disguised as meter readers. > Cog Changer placed his evil cogs in the Astro Megaship's > transformation mechanism, preventing them from using >AstroMegazord. Crow: D'oh! Mike: Should of use Spacely Sprockets instead of Cogswell Cogs! Tsk tsk! > Count Nocturne's mission was more personal. Tom: [as Nocturne] There's Pokemon on here! I know it! Have to catch them all! > While >Carlos was a vampire, Nocturne could see what Carlos saw. As >Carlos was about to bite Ashley, Nocturne saw her and realized >that she would be the perfect mate for him. Mike: Funny. I felt the same way about Jenna Elfman. > He knew that making >Ashley his bride would give him both a Ranger who would be out >of the battle and someone to bare his offspring. Crow: So, she's going to remove the clothes of a those "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" people? What? >Nocturne, disguised as a bat, searched the Megaship for her >quarters. Mike: Unfortunately, Mark McGuire found him first and hit Number 62 with the Count. > When he found them, empty, he hid in her closet, >awaiting her arrival. Crow: He probably just wanted to hang out with her dainty things. > As soon as she opened the closet, he would >take her to an asteroid cave and bite her. > Tom: Or he could save time, and bite her there... >Nocturne did not have to wait long for his intended to arrive. >Ashley soon came into her quarters with a dreamy look on her >face. Mike: [as Ashley] Mmmm, Leonardo DeCaprio! > She was thinking of Bart, her lover, and how much their >relationship had changed since she first met him. Crow: [as Ashley] I never knew someone could be so hung up about steel... > She remembered >teaching him about fashion design, auto mechanics and Earth >dancing. Tom: ...Or get your associate degree in computer repair and programming, at the Ashley School for Liberal Arts. Crow: Wait! Isn't his brother an expert in auto mechanics? Why did *she* teach him? Mike: Just nod and move on, Crow. > She thought about how, on the shuttle trip, they became >good friends, heck, Bart considered her his best friend. She >recalled how, shortly after they returned to Earth, they >admitted their growing attraction for each other, Tom: Actually, he just started stalking her, and it kinda grew from there. > and shared >love's first kiss. Of course, she also had feelings for someone >else for a while, but that changed just over two months ago. Mike: Right after Bart murdered the guy. > For >the holidays, Bart took Ashley to a private cabin Brian owned in >the mountains. Tom: Which, incidentally, was made of steel. > They skied, rode snowmobiles and drank hot cocoa. >And, on Christmas Eve, they became lovers. Crow: Wait! How can they be lovers if they can't be friends? Mike: They are friends. Crow: Oh. Carry on then. > She forgot all about >the other guy, she even moved into the Crowmeowme estate to be >with Bart all the time. Crow: Oh, great. Now I'm going to be wondering who this 'other guy' is for the rest of this fanfic! Tom: Don't worry. It was probably that Jesse guy from MTV. Mike: If it's OJ, then the story's really going to heat up soon. > Now, she was just waiting for him to pop >the question, and she had something in her closet which she >hoped would help. > Crow: Saaaaaay... Mike: [coughs] Tom: Oh, she's going to use the Count to whap Bart upside the head! >As soon as she opened the closet, Nocturne emerged. Crow: ...in Ashley's pink miniskirt! > He quickly >covered her mouth before she could scream. He wrapped his other >arm around her belly and prepared to teleport to his asteroid. Crow: Shouldn't it be just below his backteroid? >At that same time, at the staging area on the moon, Bart was >running a diagnostic on Stretched Fury with Je.E.V.S. Mark II. Tom: It's broken. That'll be $500. >Bart became distracted and disoriented by a telepathic flash he >had. Like all Minutiaeites, Bart had developed a telepathic link >with his lover, Ashley. Crow: That must make affairs difficult. Mike: Hello? Oh, hang on. My wife's on the other lobe. Tom: Just pay the money for lobe waiting, Mikey. > This link was affected by the distance >between the two, but Bart could tell there was trouble. Bart >quickly opened a communications channel to the Astro Megaship, >first on Ashley's private frequency. Mike: Or, as everyone else knew it, 1-900-Ashley! > When he couldn't get >through to her directly, he contacted the bridge. TJ answered, >"Astro Megaship, TJ here." "Teej, this is Bart, I just picked up >a telepathic flash from Ash, Tom: [as Bart] I think he's off fighting the forces of evil with his metallic arm! > I think she may be in trouble. Why >don't you and Cass go check on her." "No problem, Bart," TJ >responded. He put the channel on hold, signaled Cassie, and the >two of them headed towards Ashley's quarters. > Mike: Along the way, Cassie gained the powers of an otter, wet and furry, while TJ gained the powers of a paramecium, oozy and self-replicating. >Ten minutes later, Bart's communicator chirped. Tom: Picard to Riker! Three to beam up! > "Teej?" "Yeah >Bart, Cassie and I got to Ashley's quarters and they were empty. >Her closet was opened and clothes were spread apart, like someone >was hiding in it. Crow: Who could be hiding in the closet? Tom: Janet Reno? > We've got D.E.C.A. checking security logs to >see who it was." Bart sighed, "Je.E.V.S. can handle things by >himself, I'm teleporting there. Bart Out." Bart quickly >programed some orders into Je.E.V.S., giving the robot total >control of the mighty Limozord. Mike: The Limozord spent the rest of the fanfic driving up and down the street looking for hookers. > Soon, a silver and gold streak >of light left the moon headed towards the Astro Megaship. Bart >materialized on the bridge, and walked over to the D.E.C.A. >security console where TJ, Cassie, and Carlos were gathered. >'What have you got, guys?" Tom: [Mineweegan accent] Ah, geez. So... Aw, geez. Here's the second one... It's in the head and the ... hand there, I guess that's a defensive wound. Okay. > Bart asked his teammates. D.E.C.A. >responded, "The most intriguing visuals I have ever analyzed. Mike: Look! See how he goes back and to the left! Back and to the left! Crow: It's just the "Sledgehammer" video. > We >see Ashley open her closet. Then we see her move back in shock >and terror, Tom: [as Ashley] Oh--my--gawd! These clothes are SO out of fashion! > struggling against... something. Then, she >disappears, but not through Ranger teleportation methods." Crow: [as Bart] Starfleet stole my chick! Damn! Or maybe it was Nightcrawler... > Bart >pondered for a moment, then came to a startling conclusion. "A >vampire" he thought to himself. > Mike: Ah yes, my first thoughts exactly. Tom: How could he have ruled out spontaneous vaporization so easily? >Bart told his thoughts to the others. "A vampire would not show >up on monitoring devices, even D.E.C.A.'s advanced systems. And >Rocky told me he encountered our old `friend' Count Nocturne >outside Ninjor's temple." Crow: [as Bart] He was panhandling with a sign "Will Work for Blood". > Carlos interjected, "If it is >Nocturne, why didn't he go after me again?" Mike: [as DECA] Didn't you know? You're already a vampire. > Bart thought for a >second, then said, "Perhaps he is not seeking recruits, but a > mate." The others gasped in shock. Tom: [as TJ] That vampire has no taste in women! > Bart continued, "If he did >capture Ash to be his mate, we have three days before she becomes >a vampire. Crow: [as Carlos] Three days?! Tom: [as TJ] Better go tape Friends, I guess... > When mating, vampires use three bites to attempt >conquest. All: Ewwww! Mike: I think I'm glad I missed this special on the Discovery Channel. Tom: So Mike Tyson is a vampire? I knew it! > The first bite causes twenty-four hours of submission, >the second causes twenty-four hours of resistance and revulsion, >the third and final bite will make her a vampire, and Nocturne's >willing bride." Bart was an expert on vampires, Crow: He worked with White Wolf when they tried to do that Power Rangers RPG. > and always kept >a vampire hunting kit in his chambers, both here on the Megaship >and at the mansion on Earth. Mike: Bart the Vampire Slayer! Oh, wait, that's been done. > Bart also had a device which, >combined with his telepathic link to Ashley, would allow him to >track Ashley anywhere in the solar system. > Tom: Man, Bart sure is prepared. Crow: [as Bart] I also have a special device that will allow me to rescue Ashley from the evil clutches of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, even though they don't exist. >As Bart rushed to his quarters on the Astro Megazord, Ashley, who >fainted when Nocturne teleported away with her, came to in >Nocturne's cave. She found she was chained at the hands and feet >to a large outcropping of stone, which Nocturne used as a bed. Tom: Four words, Nocturne. Certa Spring Air Matress. >She looked around, seeing only a few light sources, and not much >else. Then, she looked at herself. Nocturne had stripped her >down to her undergarments. Mike: Nocturne the Pervert Vampire! Crow: I rate this fanfic as the BEST FANFIC EVER! Tom: Crow, you said the same thing about "The Projected Man"! Crow: And your point is...? > She realized why he brought her here; >he wanted a bride, and for some strange reason, Nocturne >selected her. Crow: [as Ashley] I wonder if I resemble his mom? Ick. > Ashley hoped that Bart was picking up anything her >mind might be sending him. Tom: [as Ashley] I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you... > She knew that Bart had been on the >moon, but she didn't know where she was. All Ashley could tell >was that she was in a cave, but she didn't know where the cave >was, Mike: There were others there, but they didn't believe they were in a cave... Crow: Mike? Mike: ...what they considered reality, Ashley saw as silhouettes projected by firelight onto a wall. Tom: Mike? Mike: And she knew that even if she told them this, they wouldn't believe her.. Bots: MIKE!! Mike: What? I'm being philosophical! > she might not even be in the solar system, which would >hinder the telepathic link. Then, she heard footsteps. Ashley >was frightened, her breathing was irregular, her heart was >pounding like a bass drum in a parade. Mike: o/~ Seventy-six heartbeats lead the big parade... o/~ > Then, Nocturne entered the > chamber, a blood lust in his eyes, Ashley's neck in his sights. > >Back on the Astro Megaship, Mike: Bart had gained the powers of the garter snail, slippery and relentless. > Bart was preparing to look for >Ashley. He loaded his equipment into a shuttle which Andros had >given him in late 1998. Crow: It's just one of those new VW Bugs, but don't tell Bart that. > Before coming to Earth, Bart, then >Micron the Shrinker, was a prominent space traveler on Minutiae. >Andros, seeing the wanderlust in Bart, gave him a small shuttle >that was a minor, non-essential component of the Megaship. Tom: [as Andros] It's our only escape shuttle, but take it anyway! > Since >then, Bart had made the vessel his own, naming it The Ashley, >after the woman he loves. Using the psionic tracker, Bart had >determined she was in a recently discovered asteroid field >beyond the orbit of Pluto. Mike: Mickey had been dumping Pluto's 'waste' back there for years. > Bart would have to travel at sub- >light speeds, as he was still within the solar system. That would >place him there in two and a half days. Crow: Hold it! If he couldn't travel at light speeds, how did Nocturn get there so fast?! > Bart prayed to the lords >of Minutiae, Mike: That would be Val, Clyde, Winchester, and Kublai. Crow: How'd you know that? Mike: I spent a week at the Minutian Embassy on the temp job. > and invoked the name of The Prime One, ruler of All >Minutiae, Crow: That'd be Steve, right? Mike: Yep. > in hopes that he would not arrive to late to prevent >the third bite. If he did, he would have to slay Nocturne >before Ashley tasted blood, or she would be lost to him forever. >As he departed, a holo-image of Ashley, which he used for >inspiration, was activated. > Tom: [as Bart] Eat photon torpedoes, Ashley! >While Bart traveled towards Pluto, many things happened, Tom: The stock market collapsed. Mike: Courtney Love cut a CD with the Bay City Rollers. Tom: The 'Big One' hit California. Crow: China declared war on Korea. Mike: The President was assassinated. Crow: TV execs decided to do a crossover between "Crocodile Hunter", "The McLaughlin Group" and "That '70s Show." Tom: The polar ice cap melted. Crow: A meteor struck the earth. Mike: Another 4 Robin Williams pictures came out... Tom: And the Laker Girls changed their outfits to ones made entirely of Steel. Mike: Find out how this all ties together in our next thrilling chapter! > Andros >and Carlos discovered the evil cogs in the transformation >mechanism, but only Ashley or Bart had the skills to remove them. Mike: Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket... >Until Bart returned, with or without Ashley, Astro Megazord was >useless. Divatox's space base, the first wave of the attack >force, was destroyed by the zords in the Mars/Jupiter asteroid > belt. Divatox and her crew, however, fled in the subcraft. Tom: Gold Astro Ranger must have seen the same films that Chris Roberts did. >The Rangers on the Moon took over Zedd and Rita's palace, which >was converted into a field command center. It was linked to the >subterranean chamber where Dimitria and Alpha 7 monitored >activities. Mike: The Power Rangers Un-American Activities Committee. > There was one crushing blow dealt to the Rangers. An >elite strike team, lead by Astronema herself, landed in downtown >Angel Grove and released one of the most evil beings in the >universe, Mike: Doug Herzog! Crow: Let it go, Mike. > Ivan Ooze. Tom: Angel Grove must be filled with Japanese... they keep rebuilding the city only to have it knocked down over and over. > Using advanced teleportation, the pieces of >the EcTomorphicon Titans, Scorpitron and Hornitor, were brought >to the Dark Fortress for assembly. Ooze's presence temporarily >shifted the balance of power to Dark Spectre's forces. > Mike: But then Sammo Hung and Arsenio Hall showed up and kicked the tar out of Ooze. >By the time Bart arrived at Nocturne's asteroid, Nocturne had >given Ashley two bites. Crow: o/~ Once... twice... three bites a lady.. o/~ > For her first twenty-four hours of >captivity, she had given herself to Nocturne, thanks to the >effects of the first bite. Crow: You could have described that in more detail! Tom: Really! We wouldn't mind! > After the second bite, Nocturne >ravished her, for her will to resist him was intensified by a >factor of three. Mike: So, he ravishes her *after* she decided to resist him? > Before going to a regenerative >chamber, Nocturne had placed Ashley in a black outfit, which left >almost nothing to the imagination. Crow: Wow, I never imagined that Ashley was a woman! > She was once again chained to >Nocturne's "bed", and now, all that was left was waiting. >Nocturne told her he would return shortly before eleven pm, Tom: He wanted to catch Politically Incorrect. >giving him one hour to conquer her before the third bite. The >third bite, when mating, must be delivered precisely at midnight. >According to a clock which Nocturne had left with her, it was >10:45 pm. Mike: The 11:45 pm bite will be arriving at the station at 11:45pm. > He would be back within fifteen minutes. She developed >a plan to avoid the third bite. Crow: She'd sell her soul to the devil and he'd give her powers to keep her from becoming a soulless monster. > She would play up to him, in >hopes of him unchaining her. She would then use the Tor Ek Nal >that Bart had taught her to fight off Nocturne, at least until >after midnight. > Crow: I know several people that would pay to be in Ashley's position right now. Tom: You *would* know a few, wouldn't you, Crow? Crow: So I have interesting friends. Big deal. >Luckily, for Ashley, Bart arrived in the chamber before Nocturne. >"Ash! Oh, love that outfit." he said, happily. "I'll give it to >you!" Ashley laughed. Tom: [as Bart] Oh, keen! > "Oh Bart, thank goodness you got here >before Nocturne. You don't know what I've been through in the >past forty-eight hours." Mike: [as Ashley] It was the best sex of my life! By the way, I'm dumping you, Bart. > "I can imagine, lover," he told her, Crow: [As Bart] I've been having an affair with him too. Tom: Vampire love triangles. Next time on Springer. >"remember, I'm an expert on vampires." Tom: [as Bart] And steel too! Mike: Let's give the steel thing a rest, okay? > Bart hesitated before >unchaining her, to make sure she was still human. Crow: [as Bart] All your ribs seem to be in place...now to check your sternum. Tom: [as Ashley] Hands off me, buster! > He knew Ashley >loved the smell of fresh garlic, especially when Bart was cooking >for her. Like his cousins, he had become a master gourmet chef, >and was especially fond of Italian cuisine. Mike: What *can't* Bart do?! Tom: He still can't past the giant baby in Half Life. > He opened up his >Vampire Hunting Kit and took out a clove of garlic. Grabbing a >garlic press, he let the aroma of garlic fill the air. Tom: He then grabbed the cooked pasta and Tomato sauce, and made a wonderful dinner for two by candlelight. > "Oooooh, >fresh garlic," Ashley squealed with delight, "Cook me some >lasagna when we get home." "Still human, great," Bart thought. Mike: Of course, no vampire would ever lie about his fear of garlic. Tom: ..And then I'll stick my ova depositor down your throat, but I'm not an alien! > He >then spoke to Ashley, "Sure thing, baby. And then, someday, I'll >cook it for our kids." Crow: The universe is in peril, and they're planning out meals for the next several years! Yeesh! > Ashley was surprised, "If that's a > proposal, I accept. Tom: [as Ashley] But not before I see a ring on *this* finger! > Now, how about unchaining me before Nocturne >arrives." > >Before Bart could unchain his now fiance, Nocturne arrived. "Stay >away from my bride." Bart responded boldly, "Make me!" as he >drew a wooden stake from his kit. Mike: [as Nocturne] Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me! > "My associates shall delay you >until midnight, while I prepare to consummate my marriage," >Nocturne tells Bart as a small army, consisting of Zedd-Putties, >Tengas, Cogs, and the infamous Pudgy Pig, surround the lone >Crowmeowme. Crow: They were already there as peeping Toms. > Nocturne then turns his attentions to Ashley, within >sixty minutes, my dear, you shall be mine. Tom: Ah, Nocturne is Mike Wallace! > And he," pointing >to Bart, "shall be your first feast." Nocturne stood over >Ashley's near-naked form, chanting an incantation in a language >Ashley didn't recognize. Mike: Boom acka lacka nano ching pow? Tom: Maybe she'll start talking with her eyes. > Bart, however, recognized that >incantation from his studies of vampires. "Ash, if he completes > that incantation, you'll be able to bear his children, and any >`seeds' he may have implanted within you earlier will >`germinate'." Tom: Count Nocturne. Vampire gardener. Mike: [quoting with hands] I 'think' I 'am' 'going to be sick', if you know what I mean. > Bart was then overwhelmed by a pair of putties, >whom he eliminated with elbows to the Z. At five minutes until >midnight, only Pudgy Pig and Nocturne, still chanting, remained. > Mike: Apparently both Ashley and Bart were killed in the carnage. Tom: Only 55 minutes to kill off the red-shirts. Must be a new record! >Bart remembered stories that Brian and Kim had told him and Willy >of Pudgy Pig. He remembered how easily he was dispatched after >eating some spicy foods. He threw several cloves of garlic into >Pudgy's open mouth, but they weren't spicy enough to phase him. Tom: [as Bart] Oh no, I need a Wendy's Spice Chicken Sandwich right now! >Time was running out, four minutes till midnight, and the >incantation was nearly complete. "Time to kill two boards with >one stone," All: [laugh] Tom: [as Biff] "Now why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here!" > Bart thought, "Or rather, one well placed tor-ka." Crow: Tor-ture! Tom: Tor Johnson! Mike: ToRGo! > >A tor-ka is a Tor Ek Nal kick, Tom: Taught by the masters of Tai Kwan Leap. > and Bart executed it like the >grandmaster he was, knocking Pudgy Pig into Nocturne, disrupting >the chanting. Crow: Oh great! The CD player is skipping! > Two minutes to midnight, Bart grabbed a wooden >stake and lunged at Nocturne, driving the stake into the count's >heart with his bare hands. As Nocturne disintegrated, Pudgy Pig >turned into a chicken, fleeing with his curly tail between his >legs. Tom: He's a chicken, I tell ya! A giant chicken! Mike: So every time a vampire is killed, pigs turn into chickens? Man, this has all the makings of a major riot in the meat market! > Bart, not seeing a key for the shackles, uses his un- >Earthly strength to separate the cuffs from the chains. Crow: Which he calls "Mr. Flamey's Welding Torch". > "We'll >cut those open once we get back to the Megaship." he tell her, >before she initiates the most passionate kiss the two have ever >shared. Mike: [as Ashley] This kiss will have to run nude around the Quad before we can allow it into our membership. > >Bart and Ashley board The Ashley, Bart sets the ship on homing >pilot, a computer system which will automatically return the >ship to the Megaship. Crow: But using it incurs a massive charge for mileage. Tom: And we're setting course for the Bridge. Mike: Mr. Servo, all ahead full . . . . . . . engage! Crow: Stop that. [Mike stands, picks up Tom, and he and Crow exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the counter.] Mike: So anyway, I said to Scott, "Seriously, what is wrong with you?" [All three laugh uproariously. While they laugh, Gypsy, wearing an elaborate head dress, walks in.] Gypsy: Attention! [All three turn to look at Gypsy.] Thank you. I have gathered all of you together to help fight the forces of evil... Mike: Like people who scam insurance companies? Crow: Or those jerks who push all of the buttons on an elevator just before they leave it? Tom: Or TV executives who cancel good shows, only to replace them with stuff that can't even hold a candle to the original show? Gypsy: No. I was thinking of evil space aliens. All: Oh. Mike: Well, I guess we can fight them too. Gypsy: But to help you fight them, I'm going to endow you with... Mike: Guns? Tom: Powerful psychic abilities? Crow: A bunch of Hell's Angels? Gypsy: ...the powers of your totem animal spirit. All: Oh. Mike: Okay. I can live with that. Tom: Me too. Crow: Come on! Let's go! I want animal powers! Come on Gypsy! Gypsy: Very well, Mike... Crow: No! Me first! Tom: Hey! Wait your turn! Crow: No! I want powers more than any of you do! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Mike: It's okay. Gypsy? Give Crow his powers first. Gypsy: If you say so. Crow T. Robot. . . Crow: This is going to be great! Gypsy: I give you the powers of a deer! You shall move stealthily through the forests and shall have really big eyes! Crow: Oh. A deer. Tom: A female deer? [Crow glares at Tom.] Gypsy: Michael J. Nelson! I bestow upon you the powers of a bear, strong and powerful! Michael: Thank you. That's very nice of you... Crow: Wait. I want a new spirit animal. Michael: Huh? Tom: Can he do that? Gypsy: This is very irregular... Crow: Look. I refuse to fight evil with the powers of a deer. I want some other spirit animal. Gypsy: I suppose it can't hurt. Crow! I give thee the powers of a shark! Crow: Great! Gypsy: The nurse shark! You shall be able to swim slowly and ponderously and be rather sessile! Thomas Servo! Tom: Yes? Gypsy: I grant you... Crow: The nurse shark? Are you insane? Give me another spirit animal! A good one! Tom: Hey! It's my turn! Mike: Just give him another animal, Gypsy. Gypsy: Fine. I was going to give this to Tom, but I'll give it to you instead. Crow, you get the powers of a cricket. Tom, you're a tyrannosaurus Rex. Tom: Cool! Crow: What?? I'm a bug, and he's a dinosaur? I won't accept this! Gypsy: A chinchilla? Crow: No. Gypsy: A pigeon? Crow: No! Gypsy: A philodendron? Crow: No, no, no! [The fanfic sign begins to flash.] Mike: Fanfic sign. Crow: No! Mike: No, I mean... oh, never mind. [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and Tom enter and sit. Crow follows behind, still shouting with Gypsy.] Gypsy: [O.S.] A gopher, able to fetch stuff? Crow: No! Gypsy: [O.S.] A centipede, able to get shot at and collide with mushrooms? Crow: No! Gypsy: [O.S.] A crow, able to comment sarcastically? Crow: N...Hey wait! That might work! Tom: Sit down! [Crow sits, reluctantly.] > Since they have roughly two and a half >days alone, they go to the cargo bay/bedroom and "relax", even >though Ashley has metal cuffs on her wrists and ankles. Tom: Bart's idea of relaxing is watching golf with a 6 pack in hand. >Meanwhile, final preperations for the great battle are being >made in the asteroid belt and on the moon. Mike: They were still waiting for the caterers to arrives, however. > All Zords are fully >charged and readied, all hand weapons are kept at the ready. Crow: [as a mother] Did you go to the bathroom before we left? Mike & Tom: [as kids] Yes, mom... > By >the time Bart and Ashley arrive back at the Megaship, all but the >Megaship itself are at maximum ready status. Tom & Crow: [in awe] *MEGASHIP*! Tom: Could he... Crow: ...be the brother... Tom: ...of MEGAWEAPON?! [pause] Crow: Nah, he'd already be ready to go. He's no slouch! > While Bart removes >the cogs, Ashley tells the others the details of her captivity, >her rescue, and Bart's proposal. Cassie wishes the Phantom Ranger >would be so romantic. Tom: When did we switch tenses? Mike: Mike wishes he was eating a ham sandwich and watching a Packers game right now. > When Bart arrives at the bridge with the >removed cogs, Carlos tell him, "Just say the word, and Teej and >I'll throw you the wildest bachelor party Angel Grove has ever >seen." All: [as Bart] Ginglesplat. Crow: [as Carlos] Or, at least the wildest party the *wreckage* of Angel Grove as seen. > "We'll see, after the battle." Bart replies. Tom: [as Bart] We'll all be alive after this, right? We're all the good guys, and we never die! Mike: [As Carlos] Psst! Bart! We're in "Saving Private Rocky" remember? > Andros, with >a confused look on his face, asks, "What is a bachelor party?" > Mike: It's a 1984 movie with Tom Hanks playing, Bond, James Bond. >With the cogs removed, the Astro Megaship is made battle-ready, >and just in time. Crow: [as Astro] Ruh-Roh! Re rare rin ruble row! > Within hours of Bart and Ashley's return, the >full armada of evil appears just past Neptune. Tom: But please, nowhere close to Uranus. Mike: [regretfully] Why does *everyone* have to make that joke!? > Bart signals the >other Rangers, Crow: In semaphore. > then, Brian, Bob, and Bart lead the others in a >Minutiaeian war preparation chant, which the warriors of >Minutiae have used for over a million years. Mike: It's a really long chant. Bots: Two-four-six-eight! Power Rangers are really great! > Two minutes after >the end of the chant, the AstroMegazord engaged the enemy in >battle. Mike: ...seeing how the enemy was well past them already while they were doing that stupid chant. > Five AstroZords launched to join the fray, taking out >Quadrafighters and other small attack craft. Tom: Ivanova, no! > The strength of the >attacking force pushed the Astro Rangers back to the Asteroid >belt, and the second line of defense. Crow: Pop Rocks. > ZeoUltrazord aided >AstroMegazord in battle, taking out nearly one quarter of the >enemy fleet, including Serpenterra. Mike: However, ZeoUltrazord could have just dialed 10-10-314159 and saved over 50% calling collect. > As the battle progressed, >the moon-based Rangers left for Mars orbit, where they >would engage the enemy if they made it past the asteroid belt. Mike: And if they got past Mars, then the G-Force would have to defend the planet. Crow: After that, the job fell to Harry Solomon. >And they did, forcing AstroMegazord and ZeoUltrazord through the >massive expanse of colliding rocks, but losing another eighth of >their fleet in the process. > Tom: Psst, there's a third dimension, people! Crow: Not to mention that asteroids are millions of miles apart... >Before the Rangers could press the attack and gain the advantage, >the Dark Fortress released the modified Ectomorphicon Titans. Mike: And the Ghostbusters show up in the USS Ecto 1. >Hornitor soon placed RescueMegazord in a bear hug, attempting to >crush it, and the Robot Rangers inside. Tom: I want to love it, and squeeze it, and call it George. > Scorpitron was attacking >MegaLimozord, Zeo Zord Prime, and FalconNinjazord. The addition >of the Ectomorphicon Titans more than made up for the loss of >ships, and the enemy seemed to have the upper hand. Several > ships broke through the line, planning on destroying the Earth. >The ships were set to destroy Earth, when something destroyed >them. Crow: Something? Mike: Just trust us on this. Tom: The Earth-destroying ships were blown up on their way to Earth in order to destroy it by someone bent on stopping the ships that were to destroy Earth using a special "Earth-destroying Ship" gun. > From out of nowhere, a ship appeared, heading towards the >fray. Mike: The U.S.S. Minnow? But how?! Tom: The professor finally figured out how to give that ship primitive warp technology, apparently. > Brian easily recognized it as an Eltarian battle cruiser, >but no Eltarian ship had cloaking devices or invisibility >fields. Crow: Wait! It could be the Klingons! Tom: Or the Tiger's Claw! Mike: Or the Vorlons! > Cassie, however, knew who was on that ship. "It's him," >she screamed over the comm channels, "it's just got to be him." Crow: [as Cassie] Mike Myers, take me away! >Cassie knew, in her heart, it was the Phantom Ranger, her >unrequited love. Mike: I thought her unrequited love was Tuxedo Mask. > The next message over the comm channel >confirmed it. "Power Rangers," the distinctive voice of the >Phantom Ranger crackled, "help has arrived." > Mike: If his definition of help is one ship, I'm outta here. Crow: Hey, wait a minute, it's that looney, Prince of Space! Tom: Hey, I think Krankor's got a better chance of destroying the earth than this bunch of wackos. >Phantom Ranger transmitted battle instructions to the Rangers. Tom: It says "Run like Hell". >"Aim for the many antennae on the Dark Fortress," Phantom told >the others, "without them, the majority of the battle fleet will >be useless." Crow: Unless they have cable... Mike: Or a dish... > Immediately, every weapon in the Power Rangers >arsenal was aimed at the multitude of antennae on the fearsome >Dark Fortress. Despite a mighty barrage of enemy lasers, the >Rangers managed to destroy every single antenna. Crow: [as Phantom] Now, shoot at that collection of fuzzy dice and "Baby on Board" signs. And take out those "My son/daughter was on the Honor Roll" stickers! > Without means >of communicating with the Dark Fortress, the majority of the >enemy fleet was in a state of confusion, and easily defeated. >That left only the Ectomorphicons and the Dark Fortress. Crow: If they had just ordered some lightbulbs, it'd be the Dusky Fortress. > The >AstroMegazord and ZeoUltrazord attacked the Dark Fortress, >keeping it from aiming it's many lasers at Earth, while the >majority of the Ranger fleet attacked Hornitor and Scorpitron. >"Never a comet when you need one," Brian told the >others, thinking of his movie. Tom: So Brian made Deep Impact too? > Ninjor and the Alien Rangers >managed to defeat Scorpitron, while Hornitor was easily >vanquished by the legendary TurboMegazord spin-out. Crow: Watch out, Sonic's at the controls of the TurboMegazord! > Now, only >the Dark Fortress remained. > Mike: [singing] The fortress' so dark, I've got to wear shades! >The Ranger fleet turned it's attention to the Dark Fortress. >Inside, Dark Spectre knew what to do. Tom: [as Dark Spectre] We need waffles! Stat! And lots of 'em! > "Astronema," he bellowed, >"aim that special beam at what remains of Muranthias. Let my >brother, Maligore, live again." Astronema obediently activated a >strange, red ray, aimed at the remains of the island of >Muranthias. The massive rock formations which had once been the >fearsome Maligore were re-animated. Mike: So that's what Easter Island was for! > "Now," Dark Spectre >commanded, "Super-energize him and place him in the center of >Angel Grove." Tom: Oh no, not Angel Grove again! Crow: You know, if I had a large mutant attacking monster, there would be MUCH better places to set it down than some "Saved By The Bell" Californian city! > A purple beam replaced the red one, moving from >Muranthias to Angel Grove. Alpha 7's voice echoed through the >fleet. "Ok-ok-ok, Tom: Joe Pesci *is* Alpha 7! Mike: You've done that one. Tom: It's still funny. > Maligore is back, and he's turning Angel Grove >into a land fill. Mike: Maligore must be playing Sim City 3000. Crow: Nah. If he was, we'd be seeing an annoying "You're out of water" message. > We need as many as you can spare down here >a.s.a.p." > Crow: [as Alpha] But please, RSVP. >Without a thought, Tom: An apt description of the Rangers. > DinoUltrazord, NinjaMegaFalconzord, and >TurboMegazord were attacking Maligore, while the others kept >attacking the Dark Fortress. Mike: The Rangers were hampered when they gained the powers of tapeworms and they had to consume 6000 pounds of food before they could continue the attack. > Both battles were fierce, with the >Earth-bound Rangers defeating Maligore, before more of Angel >Grove could be decimated, but in space, the battle was going the >other way. > Mike: The Drazi had shown up and were attacking the Rangers. Crow: They'll just have to hold out until the White Star arrives. Tom: So, this'll be a crossover with Space Cruiser Titanic? >The Dark Fortress has disabled all but the AstroMegazord, and now >the two behemoths were locked in a titanic struggle. Tom: [as Bart] Did I ever tell you about the time I was nearly killed aboard the Titanic? > The two >sides kept turning the tide back and forth for what seemed like >hours. Mike: Earth's oceanographic biosphere was ruined! > Bart and Ashley were kept busy with repair after repair, >system after system, trying to keep the AstroMegazord at peak >performance. Mike: [as Scotty] She canne hold for much longer, cap't! > "Even with my un-Earthly stamina," Bart told Ashley, >"I'm being run ragged. Crow: [as Ashley] Should I get you some oysters tiger? > I just hope that these repairs are making >a difference." "I hope so, too," Ashley responded, "With the >group that went to take out Maligore now rescuing the others, >before they lose their life-support systems, we're pretty much >Earth's last hope." Tom: [As Ashley] Except for PumaMan, or course. And Superfuzz. Oh, and Condorman too... > Just as Ashley finished saying that, a >massive blast from the Dark Fortress disabled AstroMegazord's >most crucial system, Tom: The stereo system? Crow: The sunroof? Mike: The dual climate control? > the engine stabilizer. All: Oh... Mike: So their engine will be knocking. Just fill her up with a higher octane! > The young lovers >turned their complete attention to the stabilizer, for if that >failed, the AstroMegazord would self-destruct. Crow: Don't you usually have to have 3 senior officers present in order to initiate self-destruct? > They worked for >ten minutes, but to no avail. The engine would de-stabilize >within fifteen minutes, destroying the AstroMegazord, and all >within. > Tom: ... and taking out most of the western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way. >Bart and Ashley went to the bridge to tell the others of their >dire situation in person. D.E.C.A. informed them, "I estimate >ten minutes until destruction." Mike: It took them 5 minutes to get to the bridge? Tom: Given their previous adventures, I think they stepped into a broom closet for a minute. > Andros inquired, "D.E.C.A., would >the destruction be enough to destroy the Dark Fortress?" After a >few seconds of computation, D.E.C.A. replied, "If we were close >enough, the explosion would destroy both the AstroMegazord and >the Dark Fortress." Crow: And the moon! And Mars too! Tom: And any satellites in orbit around those places. Mike: Like us? Crow: Yeah, like... hey! > Andros immediately took charge, "All right, >Cassie, you man the helm, steer us right for the Dark Fortress. >TJ, keep a tractor beam lock on them, so they don't try to >escape. Carlos, keep the weapons firing, we'll make them think >we're pressing the attack in a suicide run." Mike: [as Andros] I'll be in the only escape shuttle, seeya suckers! > Bart and Ashley >asked in unison, "What about us?" Andros told them, Tom: [as Andros] You'll be dead in a few minutes, so you'd better make out now. > "It only >takes four of us to do this, the two of you evacuate. You have >your whole lives ahead of you." Crow: Bart and Ashley died the next day as roadkill. > Bart and Ashley said farewell to >their closest friends, and then, reluctantly headed towards The >Ashley. The small shuttle departed and entered Earth's >atmosphere just as the engines of the Megaship reached critical >mass. > Mike: Critics appeared and began attacking the violence and the lack of plot in the show. >Bart turned the ship around in time for the two of them to >witness the explosion. Mike: Bart's a gawker! Tom: Probably the cause of all the major traffic jams in Angel Grove. > It was both the most beautiful and tragic >site they had ever seen. They wept for the loss of their friends >and teammates, though, if they had been monitoring the scanners, >they would have seen Tom: ... the train before it hit them. Mike: Why don't they look? > a small, unidentifiable blip moving out of >range just before the explosion. Was it the Megaship's logs >being ejected? All: Ewwww.... Crow: Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go... > Or was it the Phantom Ranger's ship, having >rescued Cassie at the last second. Mike: Or was it a hope for a sequel to this fanfic? > That is a mystery for another >day. Meanwhile, at the Crowmeowme Estate, the other Rangers >looked at the explosion, fearing all six Rangers were lost. >Brian and Bob wept for the presumed loss of their cousin, before >they celebrated their pyrrhic victory against the forces of evil. Crow: [as Bart] My brother is dead, let's PARTY! >Soon, a shadow was cast over the group, and they feared it was >one last assault. Mike: But they soon realized that Tommy had gained the powers of the shade tree, tall and shadowy. Tom: [as Bart] AHHH!!!! It's the aliens from ID4! They're back and they're *really* pissed at Jeff Goldblum! > They were pleasantly surprised when The Ashley >landed in the middle of the private airfield. Crow: *The* Ashley? Mike: She must have the same agent as TV's Frank. > Bart and Ashley >shared the tale of their friends' sacrifice, and of their >engagement. Mike: Doesn't anyone mourn in this fanfic?! > A bit of sadness and a lot of cheer fills the >remaining Rangers' hearts. > Tom: And a WHOLE lot of cholesterol. >A few days later, a memorial service was held, honoring not only >the fallen Rangers, but Billy's family as well. Even though only >a few Rangers had met Cestria, and none of them had met their >offspring, the assembled Rangers mourned Billy's loss. All: We feel your pain! > Billy was >comforted by both Brian, who was his best friend before Billy >left for Aquitar, and by Trini, for whom Billy has secretly >harbored feelings. Crow: [as Trini] Marry me! Now! > A morphed Bart and Ashley were given the un- >enviable task of telling TJ, Cassie, and Carlos' families of >their secret and their sacrifice. Mike: The Power Rangers were then sued in unlawful death suits. > Brian sent an anonymous >release to the mass media, letting them know what the explosion >in the sky was, Tom: It was just swamp gas, I tell you! Mike: Now look into this little red light and.... Crow: [as Mulder] It's an X-Files, I tell you, Scully! > as well as of the sacrifice of four Power >Rangers, the only four whose identities would be revealed to the >general public of Earth. Mike: [as Brian] Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine were really the Power Rangers? Crow: Our prayers have been answered! > Within a few days, things were getting >back to normal. Repairs to both Angel Grove and the >Crowmeowme mansion were going well. The many zords were fully >repaired and placed on stand-by, should they ever be needed. Mike: Or just in case Mexican TV decides to make a cheap TV series using the PR footage. >Dulcea returned to Phaedos, and the Alien Rangers returned to >Aquitar, to help repair their homeworld. Tom: At times like this, I think we need CAPTAIN PLANET! > >By April 1, Billy's birthday, things were back to normal. Mike: Just kidding! Everything's still a wreck! Tom: April Fools! > Billy >had just returned from Aquitar, where he buried his loved ones >and settled his affairs, before returning to his homeworld. Bart >and Ashley continued their wedding plans, and decide to leave >four color-coded chairs empty, as a tribute to their fallen >comrades. Crow: Some people build monuments as tributes. The Power Rangers? They leave out empty folding chairs. Mike: "Four Funerals and a Wedding", coming this summer to a theater near you. > Trini had moved back to Angel Grove, for she admitted >that she had feelings for Billy as well. The two of them were >starting to build a relationship. In mid-April, the Rangers went >east for Jason and Emily's wedding. Mike: Among the beautiful landfills of New Jersey. > It was a beautiful ceremony, >and Bart and Ashley took notes for their impending marriage. Tom: [as Ashley] Note to self - cannot wear white. >Brian loaned the newlyweds his private yacht, Kim's Glory, for >their honeymoon. Tom: [as Brian] It's made of steel, you know! Mike: ARGH! > Jason told his former teammate, "We'll have it >back in Angel Grove harbor before Bart and Ashley tie the knot." Crow: It generally helps to moor the boat before you tie the knot. >After the wedding, the Rangers went to Crowmeowme Castle >in England, were Lord Robert and Lady Katherine hosted a grand >medieval tournament. All: HUZZAH! Crow: And Ashley picked up an old fashioned chastity belt. > Surprisingly, it was Sir Justin, of the >house of Stewart, Mike: Patrick Stewart? > who won the day, in honor of his fallen friends >TJ, Carlos, and Cassie. > >May was a exciting month for the Rangers. Justin graduated high >school, and announced he would be attending M.I.T. in the fall. Mike: MIT being the "Michigan Institute for Twentysomething-droppouts". >Kim, Kat, Aisha, and Tanya used Adam and Tanya's recording >studio to record an album in tribute to the fallen Rangers. Tom: You think that "Intergalactic Planetary" was a good choice for this? > The >cover showed the assembled Rangers, bowing their heads in >tribute. The main performers were billed as Pink Ranger, Zeo >Ranger I, Yellow Ninja Ranger, and Zeo Ranger II, to keep their >true identities secret. Crow: Ah, so it was a rap album... Mike: Unfortunately, the copyrights were listed under the Ranger's real names. Tom: Tough break there. > The most popular cut was Kim's stirring >solo, Down the Road, the song she originally wrote for Tommy >when he lost the Green Ranger powers. Mike: The Bee Gees would later perform that song in "Power Rangers' Lonely Hearts Club Band." > It was made even more >stirring, thanks to Brian's violin accompaniment. Two of the >songs on the album had been written by Cassie, just three weeks >before her presumed demise. The album went gold with a week, and >by the time Bart and Ashley got married, it was a double >platinum. Crow: So they only sold 3 copies of this album? > All proceeds from the album was divided between TJ, >Cassie, and Carlos' families, and the Angel Grove Reconstruction >Fund. Tom: [pleading] Please, help us rebuild our lost Capuccino drivethru on the corner of Main and 5th! We need every cent we can get! > A platinum copy of the album became the centerpiece of >Angel Grove's new Ranger Museum. > Mike: Which was soon destroyed by a confused Flash's Rogues Gallery. >Finally, we return to where we opened, Bart and Ashley's wedding >day. Mike: Ahhh! We're looping back on the story! > All the guests were seated, and a wonderful string quartet >provided music for the celebration. Bart has selected Brian as >his best man, with Bart and Justin as groomsmen. Ashley chose >Kim as matron of honor, Tom: So, Harrington's going to be chaperoned by Kim then? Crow: These crossovers are getting weirder and weirder. > with Kat and Tanya as bridesmaids. Judge >Timothy Stone, Lt Stone's uncle, presided over the ceremonies. Crow: [as a judge] I find you, Bart Crowmeowme, in contempt of this wedding! 30 years, with no chance for parole! >Soon, the procession began. First came Kimberly Katherine >Crowmeowme, the two-year old daughter of Brian and Kim, who was >selected as flower girl. Then, five year old Willy and two year >old Alfred, cousins who were co-ring bearers. Mike: That ring must weight a lot! Tom: It's made of steel, you know... > Then, Tanya, Kat >and Kim marched down the aisle. Finally, the quartet began that >most awaited song Mike: o/~ Don't. Give. Up. You got the music in you...o/~ [Crow bites Mike on the shoulder.] Mike: Ow! Tom: No more New Radicals, Mike. > as Ashley and her father appeared at the end >of the aisle. Ashley was a vision in white, with just a few hints >of yellow. Crow: A-HA! Mike: No. Tom: Presumably, her father's still in that pair of coveralls. > Her bouquet was composed of yellow flowers, including >roses. On her finger, the 14-k diamond engagement ring Bart had >hand-made for her. Tom: Bart made the diamond too by taking a lump of coal, putting it in a blender and leaving it in the oven overnight. > As he gave his daughter to her beloved, Mr >Hammond told Bart, "Take good care of my little girl." Tom: [as Mr Hammond] Or I'll make you visit our family again. > "I will >sir," Bart replied. > >Before the ceremony began, a moment of silence for those who gave >their lives saving the earth was done, at the bride and groom's >request. Mike: Then they asked for a moment of silence for those brave men who died saving Private Ryan. > Then, Judge Stone began the ceremony. It was a >wonderful ceremony, with bride and groom exchanging their >personalized vows. Bart made both wedding bands, using the purest >gold to make the twin circles. Crow: Handcuffs? Mike: I've heard of being close, but this is ridiculous! > The ceremony lasted half and >hour, with rose petal being thrown at the newlyweds as they ran >up the aisle. Tom: A single rose petal? Must of used the wedding budget for those 4 extra chairs instead of more rose petals. > Within fifteen minutes, the reception began in the >main ballroom. > Crow: But first, they had to clear out the corpse of Mr. Boddy. Mike: Apparently, he'd been killed with a singing candlestick by Mrs. Peacock and a beast who talked like Robbie Benson. >Bart's special lasagna, which was Ashley's favorite, was among >the dinner choices for the guests. Mike: Oh, *real* good choice for a bride in white! Tom: There was also a fine selection of red wines, Tomato soups, and other fun finger foods. > Brian and Bob had made an >elaborate cake, which ushers Bulk and Skull were allowed nowhere >near until after it had been cut. Crow: Gah, they're still around? How come they're never crushed when Angel Grove is demolished?! > Soon, the time for the first >dance came. As was Crowmeowme tradition, a song from a Disney >movie was chosen as the newlywed couple's "song". All: AHHHH! Mike: Wait a minute, isn't Crowmeowme like over a 100 years old on the earth? And how long as Disney been around? > Brian and Kim >had chosen Elton John's "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The >Lion King. Mike: The Kid's Crew will be along shortly to sing that one for us. > Bob and Kat used "A Whole New World", from Aladdin. >For Bart and Ashley, Tom: "I Wish, I Wish, I Wish I Were a Fish" from The Incredible Mr. Limpet. > "Someday" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. > Mike: I have a very bad feeling that next week, Pearl will be sending us up Davy-kin's and co., singing "From Zero to Hero". >After the reception, Mr and Mrs Bartholomew Crowmeowme made their >way to the estate's guest house, once occupied by Tanya, for a >private wedding night. Crow: ...films of which appeared on the internet within hours. > That night, Bart injected Ashley with the >same potion Brain and Bob had injected into Kim and Kat, the >immortality potion. Mike: No way! No no, no way! Crow: I think the author meant, "with a needle", Mike. > With that, Ashley's longevity would be >assured. In a week, after celebrating Alfred's third birthday, >Bob and Kat's fourth anniversary, and Brian and Kim's sixth >anniversary, the newlyweds would depart for a month-long >European honeymoon. Tom: They'll be off for a whirlwind tour of Freedonia, Latveria, Markovia, and Grand Fenwick. > They would travel to New York on the >family's private jet. From there, they would fly the Concorde to >London. After London, they would take a car from Bob and Kat's >castle on a ferry to Paris. Mike: That's either a really big ferry or a really small castle. > From Paris, they would drive to >Vienna, Berlin, Madrid, Rome, and finally, Athens. Crow: Dear lord! Mike: Who designed their itinerary? Billy Keane? > From Athens, >the car would be sent back to London via air freight, while Bart >and Ashley would meet a cruise ship that would take them back to >California. Tom: Maybe they can stop by Japan and fight Godzilla, Gamera, and that Taxing Woman. > The honeymoon would be the perfect start to a >perfect marriage which would last for centuries. And they lived >happily ever after. > Crow: At least until Garth Ennis took over the script writing chores, but that's a story for another day. Tom: Let's leave before they start showing slides of their vacation. [Mike scoops up Tom and they begin to leave the theater.] Mike: By the way, I never saw the hula dancing bears. Crow: Really? Huh. I saw them. Tom: Me too. Plain as day. Crow: You're just not very observant, Mike. [They exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The bridge is dark. The silhouettes of Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy can be seen in the background.] Magic Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen. In honor of today's story, the Satellite of Love is proud to present "Chickenish Soup for the Power Rangers' Souls." [A spotlight shines on each person as they speak.] Mike: True love is by far the most powerful force in the universe. Except for Zords. Crow: If your true love is ever kidnapped by a vampire, be sure to bring along some Italian food, because she'll be hungry. Tom: The answer to any problem can be found merely by gained the powers of a spirit animal. Gypsy: Never place all of your Zords in one basket. Mike: Angel Grove. It's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. Crow: Remember, space is flat like a big pancake. Tom: Steel. Need I say more? Gypsy: Pool is much easier if you have telekinetic powers. Or if you're Paul Newman. Mike: Disney music sets the perfect mood for romance. Except if the song is "Chim-chim-inee." Crow: So, getting animal powers hasn't solved your problems? Well, how about getting a bunch of your friends show up and blow themselves up? That should fix things! Tom: Chateau d' Cuisine. The place to eat whenever you're in Angel grove. Mike: [O.S.] What? Tom: They slipped me $100 to say that. Gypsy: Whenever life gets you down, take a moment to reflect on all of the joys of life. The feeling of sunlight on your face. The quiet during a snowfall. The sound of laughter. The beauty of the stars. All of these special things, and more, can lift your spirits and make life's tradgedies seem not so great. [The lights brighten and Mike, Servo and Crow walk over to Gypsy.] Crow: Wow. Tom: That was really nice, Gypsy. Gypsy: Thanks! It was part of that sunscreen song. Mike: Oh. Well, it was still nice. [To the screen.] What do you think, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: It looks like you survived another one, Mike. Bobo: Excuse me, Lawgiver, but there's one thing that's bothering me. Pearl: Spill it, Bobo. Bobo: Well, wasn't there something about a computer in the opening? Observer: Yes, there was. Were you planning on leaving that plot thread dangling, Michael? [SoL] [The computer is once again set up, and Crow, Mike and Tom stand around the computer.] Mike: Oh, that. I'm not sure of that one myself. Well, let's have Bit and Byte here explain it to you. Tom: We've got one heck of a multimedia presentation here for you tonight! All we have to do is turn the power strip on. Crow, if you'll do the honors? Crow: Certainly. [Crow disappears behind the counter.] Okay! Here we go! [A can be heard and an instant later the screen goes black.] Tom: [O.S.] Heh. I guess we kinda overloaded the circuit. Whoopsie. Mike: [O.S.] Yeah. Whoopsie. [The end credit music begins to play.] "First Date/ Marriage of the Millennium" was written by: Matt Blackwell Michael K. Neylon Original Stories by: Gold Astro Ranger "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "Mighty Morphing Power Rangers" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1999 by Saban Entertainment and Fox. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Saban Entertainment, Twentieth Century Fox, the or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional except for those who aren't , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Special thanks to: Bob's House of Spirit Animals, fufilling your spirit animal needs for over 3 millenia Chris Sawyer, and his Rollercoaster of Looove. and Gold Astro Ranger, for graciously allowing his fics to be riffed Keep circulating the posts. 4/5/99 Twang * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > "Back in the >early 1900s, when my main business was steel, I had supplied some >steel to build the Titanic. " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rate this Misting ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Home] [News] [FAQ] [Dibs List] [Episode Guide] [Mistings] [Nanoscope] [Awards] [Links] [Miscellaneous] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Michael K. Neylon/mneylon@engin.umich.edu Last Modified: [pinky navigation]