Author's Note: Thanks to the incomparable Megan for coming up with the idea, and giving it to me. Thanks to Kate for all her Beta reading.
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: T. Paris, Head Gossip Monger
To: B. Torres, Love of my Life
To: T. Paris, Hopeless Romantic
To: H. Kim, Ensign
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: H. Kim, Starfleet Idiot
To: K. Chung, Crewman
To: B. Torres, Crusher of Souls
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: T. Paris, Pig
To: The Doctor
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: T. Paris, who has entirely too high an opinion of himself
To: B. Torres, Engineering
To: Neelix, who is a dead man as soon as I get off shift
To: Lieutenant Torres
To: Naomi and Mezoti
To: B'Elanna
To: T. Paris, violator of child labor laws
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant and chief grump
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant, Chief Engineer, Adjunct of T. Paris
To: Seven
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: Holodoc
To: All Engineering Staff
To: Tom
To: B. Torres, Interested Party
To: HelmBoy
To: B. Torres, Engineering Terror
To: H. Kim, Ensign and Blockhead
To: B. Torres, Engineer and Food Critic
To: Neelix
To: B. Torres
To: Tom Paris
To: The Doctor, H. Kim, Mr. Neelix, T. Paris, Seven of Nine, B. Torres
To: T. Paris, Where ever you are
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: Tom
To: B. Torres, Pragmatic but right
To: Paris
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
To: H. Kim, Ensign
From: T. Paris, Ensign
Time sent: 0600 hours
B'Elanna-
You'll never believe what I just heard. I was in the mess hall (wasn't breakfast horrible, by the way? I tried not to think about what was moving in my pancakes, but it's hard to eat when you're wondering what's still alive in your food. How do Klingons do it?) and the Captain was there, sitting alone with Chakotay. They were speaking very quietly, but I distinctly heard the words "sex" and "last night."
I almost swallowed my fork. (Well, it would have been more palatable then the meal, anyway.) Isn't that great?
-Tom
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0632 hours
Tom-
What's great? That you almost swallowed the fork?
Seriously, Tom, don't you have anything better to do? If the Captain and the Commander were even together last night, and if they were alone, and if they had sex, and if she chose to talk to him about it, (and those are some pretty big ifs, Paris.) why would she do it in the middle of the mess hall, where anyone, namely you, could hear it? It doesn't make any sense.
And, Klingons do not eat moving pancakes. I'd suggest you not eat them either.
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris, Ensign
Time sent: 0702 hours
B'Elanna-
How is it that you always manage to suck the fun out of everything? Can't I just indulge in some wishful thinking without you sending me thudding into the ground? I mean, how do you know it's not true? I know what I heard.
And you could have given me the pancake advice BEFORE I ate them. Luckily, I'm already on my way to sick bay.
-Tom
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0725 hours
Tom-
I do not "suck the fun out of everything." Fine. I'll ask around. See if anyone saw them together last night. But, Tom, you really should be careful. If they catch either of us talking about their love lives behind their backs, we'll be degaussing the hull with a paintbrush for the next fifty or sixty years.
Ask the Doctor. For someone who spends almost all his time in sickbay, he has a remarkably tight gossip net.
-B'Elanna
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 0730 hours
Starfleet-
You had bridge duty last night, right? Were either the Captain or the Commander on with you?
Oh, and could you talk to the Ops crews for us? Someone has been wedging a sticky substance on the underside of the bridge console. The engineering crews have been having trouble removing it during maintenance sweeps.
-B'Elanna
From: H. Kim, Ensign
Time sent: 0747hours
Good morning to you, too.
Actually, both of them were on Gamma shift with me. As far as I know, they only got off at about 0530 this morning. I'm not sure how that happened, but you know them. They like to spread themselves around, so none of the shifts feel neglected. Why do you ask?
As for the sticky stuff, that's Crewman Chung again. She chews bubble gum all the time when she's on the bridge. I've spoken to her about it numerous times, but she says that the Captain makes her nervous, and she doesn't want to get caught, so she just sticks it wherever she can. I'd hoped she was over it.
-Harry
From: The person responsible for keeping the Ops console in working order
Time sent: 0802 hours
Harry-
GUM? You let one of your staff put GUM on a highly sophisticated piece of bridge equipment? The piece of bridge equipment responsible for monitoring our life support systems? What kind of a department are you running up there, Harry?
As to the Janeway/Chakotay thing, Tom heard them talking at breakfast, and now he's convinced they had sex last night. But, if they were on the bridge, that counts that out, doesn't it?
-B'Elanna
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0805 hours
Crewman-
If I ever catch you leaving a foreign substance on any of Voyager's systems again, the Captain will be the least of your problems. Your primary worry will be me, and my Bat'leth. Got it?
-Lieutenant Torres
From: H. Kim, Ensign
Time sent: 0828 hours
B'Elanna-
Why is it that Crewman Chung is at this moment with me in Sick Bay hyperventilating and sobbing something about drawing the attention of the Chief of Engineering? Did you think this would help, somehow? I explain that she's terrified of authority figures, and your solution is to threaten her? What were you thinking?
And, actually, it doesn't count anything out. Like I just told Tom, the Captain and the Commander were both on duty last night, but they both were in the Captain's ready room for most of the shift. Almost three hours, if my memory serves. Wouldn't that be great, if it were true?
B'Elanna, stay away from my crew. You scare them.
-Harry
From: EMH, Chief Medical Officer, USS Starship Voyager
Time sent: 0832 hours
Lieutenant-
Mr. Paris left sickbay a few minutes ago, to do some errands for me. He has asked me to tell you, and I quote, "I told you so!"
Please remember that I am due for my monthly maintenance check today at 1000 hours. Please be prompt, last time I was neglected for hours.
-The Doctor
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0838 hours
Tom-
Very mature. Where are you?
-B'Elanna
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0840 hours
Doctor-
Last time, we were in the middle of a battle with the Borg. It kind of threw off the schedule. We'll be down to do your maintenance. Do you have any idea where Tom might be, at the moment? I'm worried that he might be getting carried away with this idea of his.
Try to convince Crewman Chung that I'm not going to hurt her. Some people just can't deal with a minor show of temper…
-B'Elanna
From: EMH, Chief Medical Officer, USS Starship Voyager
Time sent: 0903 hours
Lieutenant-
I have seen the effects of your temper. I have treated crewmembers for the effects of your temper. None of them could be termed minor. In any case, I have treated Crewman Chung for her panic attack and released her to the competent care of Mr. Kim. I also gave her a warning about the improper use of circuit boards as snack trays, which may be the reason the Ops console explodes every time this ship hits so much as spatial distortion.
As to Mr. Paris's location, I'm a doctor, not an appointment calendar. I believe he said he was heading towards the mess hall, but I had more pressing concerns at the time.
-The Doctor
From: Oink, Oink
Time sent: 0905 hours
The woman who loves me just the way I am-
I talked to Neelix. According to him, Chakotay stopped by the mess hall and picked up dinner for two just before Gamma shift started. Neelix thought there might be something going on, but he wasn't sure what.
He's going to ask around and forward anything he digs up to you. I'll get back to you.
-Tom
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0916 hours
Tom-
Me? Why me? Why doesn't he just forward it straight to you? Or Harry? Harry hasn't gotten into trouble in months. I'm still in Chakotay's bad book for that incident over in Astrometrics. Stupid Borg...
Anyway, Tom, I don't want my name connected to any of this. Do you understand? I like my currant rank.
-B'Elanna
From: Neelix, Morale Officer and Ambassador
Time sent: 0921 hours
B'Elanna-
Tom told me to send anything I found out to you. Now, Ensign Mitchell says that the Captain was waiting for Commander Chakotay outside the mess hall this morning. She said exactly that: "I've been waiting for you for ten minutes, Commander." Then, she said that they still had things to discuss from the night before.
Crewman Martinos heard something similar. She says that she was on the bridge at the end of Gamma shift, after Harry left, and the two of them left together. No one heard what they were talking about, but she says that they were definately acting chummy. Heads together, and all that.
My contacts down in the ship's stores tell me that a great deal of the Commander's replicator rations have been used to make the Captain's favorite blend of coffee, very early in the morning. At his replicator.
And, Lieutenant Ayala went to get something signed this morning, and interrupted a discussion about a "date with the holodeck." He checked, and the Captain has two hours booked for this afternoon.
Now, I'm not saying it's true, but wouldn't it be wonderful if it was? Maybe there's something we can do to help them along. I know a very lovely recipe that involves a pleasant aphrodesiac from the Gatharn sector. It worked wonders for you and Tom.
-Neelix
From: B. Torres, who doesn't like having her life messed with
Time sent: 0943 hours
Neelix-
Do not slip anything into the Captain or Commander's food. And don't even think about doing anything more to mine or Tom's. And this better not be the source of that incredibly annoying rash I developed two months ago...
-B'Elanna
From: Naomi Wildman, Captain's Assistant and Mezoti, Seven's Assistant
Time sent: 1002 hours
Hi, Lieutenant!
Tom gave us our assignment, and told us to report in to you. Mezoti and I (She says hi, too) are following the Captain. So far, she's only been to the airponics bay and shuttle bay two, but we'll see if anything interesting happens. Azan and Rebi are following Chakotay, but so far we haven't seen any of them.
We'll tell you if she does anything interesting.
Love, Naomi and Mezoti
From: B'Elanna
Time sent: 1018 hours
Naomi and Mezoti-
Aren't you two supposed to be in classes now? Does Seven know what you're doing? Remember, sometimes listening to Mr. Paris can be dangerous for your well being.
-B'Elanna Torres
From: Naomi
Time sent: 1027 hours
B'Elanna-
That's what the Captain said once! She didn't know that I was listening, but she said that if Mr. Paris caused one more hull breech, she was going to have to reassign him. To shuttlecraft maintenance, whatever that is.
And Seven told us that this was our school assignment for today. "Careful observation of the higher cognitive functions of a speciman under the influence of elevated hormone levels," I think is what she said. She says it'll help the Borg kids understand the way the ship functions. Icheb told her it was irrelevent, and she said, "Romance is irrelevent, but highly interesting. You will understand when you have fully matured."
-Naomi
From: B. Torres, horrified bystander
Time sent: 1036 hours
Tom-
This is a new low, Paris. You're sending children to spy for you? Are you insane? Do you know what they'll do to your head if they catch you at this? And how in the name of Kahless did you talk Seven into playing along?
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris, yada, yada
Time sent: 1049 hours
B'Elanna, love-
It was her idea, oh ye of little faith.
-Tom<
From: Seven of Nine, Astrometrics Supervisor
Time sent: 1102.67928736552 hours
Lieutenant-
We require the data that you have already acquired. It is impossible to determine the focus of our experiment without the full background information. Please forward all relevent material as effiecently as possible.
-Seven
From: Voyager's Chief Engineer, and the woman who fixes the EMH that fixes you.
Time sent: 1109 hours
Seven-
Not a chance. And one more crack about Tom and I, and that regenation alcove will be your coffin.
-B'Elanna
From: EMH, Chief Medical Officer, USS Starhip Voyager
Time sent: 1132 hours
Lieutenant-
Please note the time. No one has been to check my programming yet.
-The Doctor
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 1140 hours
Doctor-
Sorry, Doc. SOMEONE rerouted my engineering crew to the bridge to keep tabs on the Captain's movements. Apparantly, Naomi and Mezoti look a little out of place there, so Tom had to round up some last minute spies. Trust me, when they get back here, they'll be on plasma conduit cleaning duty for a very long while.
-B'Elanna
From: B. Torres, Chief Engineer
Time sent: 1156 hours
It has come to my attention that many of you have been neglecting your duty postings in an attempt to gather information for certain weaselly sources. Unless this ship is in a state of emergency, you take your assignments from me, or who ever is in charge of engineering, or the Captain, not from a random bridge officer. Understood?
From: B'Elanna
Time sent: 1203 hours
Tom-
Leave my engineering crews alone. Unlike certain people, they have actual work to accomplish that can't be put off for a foray into the profession of gossip columnist.
How's it going, by the way?
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris, Professional Snoop
Time sent: 1220 hours
B'Elanna-
Ha! All that high and mighty nonsense about haveing better things to do, and you're just as eager for details as anyone else! I'm on my way down to the Holodecks, to see what kind of programs they've been running. Harry'll fill you in.
-Tom
P.S. According to my count, I've professed my love three times this morning, and it has yet to be recipricated. Why is that?
From: Be
Time sent: 1234 hours
Tom-
You're still making up for the month and a half between when I first told you, and when you bothered to say it back.
Oh, don't make those eyes at me. I love you.
-B'Elanna
From: H. Kim, Ops. Officer
Time sent: 1236 hours
B'Elanna-
Just saw Tom. He wanted me to fill you in on what we've learned.
1. The Captain and the Commander have been avoiding each other all day.
2. According to the Delany twins, they found the Captain and Commander in Stellar Cartography earlier this week, alone.
3. Commander Chakotay was seen coming from the direction of her room first thing in the morning, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt.
What do you think? Isn't it great?
-Harry
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 1252 hours
Harry-
That's just pathetic, Harry.
1. What makes you think they're avoiding each other? Maybe they just have a ship to run.
2. NO! The Captain, and the Commander, in Stellar Cartography? Gosh, they must've been having sex, because what else could they have been doing there, with all those maps, and the two of them in charge of the ship? They couldn't be plotting the course or anything.
3. They live next door to each other, Harry. His room is right next to her room. Therefore, he always comes from the direction of her room first thing in the morning. And he wears shorts and a tee-shirt when he runs his boxing programs.
Come on, Harry. You two got me all excited, and for what? For nothing. I'm so mad, I could knock your heads together.
-B'Elanna
From: Neelix, Head Chef
Time sent: 1308 hours
B'Elanna-
Maybe just some earth specialties? Oysters, chocolate covered strawberries, eggs?
-Neelix
From: B'Elanna Torres
Time sent: 1331 hours
Neelix-
First of all, how are oysters sexy? They're like slimy, chewy rubber. The only way to eat them is to swollow quickly and avoid chewing. My mother is Klingon, and she cooked that way. I've had things that would turn a Bolian's stomach. I would never eat oysters.
Eggs? Yeah, that's great. Breakfast. You have that after, not before.
The strawberries could work, if Chakotay wasn't allergic to them. And hey, nothing says "let's have sex" like anaphalactic shock. Though the resulting panic on the Captain's part might make it worth it, if we controlled the dose...
No, too risky. Forget I said anything.
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris
Time sent: 1346 hours
B'Elanna-
I found the program that they've been running. Seventeen times in the past three weeks. It's a field, surrounded by trees. What do you think? Picnic spot? Love nest?
-Tom
From: B'Elanna Torres
Time sent: 1355 hours
Tom-
I don't think so...
-B'Elanna
cc: All crewmembers (Excepting K. Janeway and Chakotay)
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
Time sent: 1400 hours
To all crew:
It has come to my attention that certain matters have become the focus of very intense speculation. The matters in question are not appropriate topics of discussion. Please refrain from engaging in this manner of discourse. For the senior officers, especially, it is conduct unbecoming Starfleet personnel.
Just because the Captain and Commander have had breakfast together every day this week, it is no reason to deviate from our usual opporating procedure.
-Tuvok
From: B. Torres, Completely confused
Time sent: 1409 hours
Tom-
Did Tuvok just slip us some information?
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris, Ensign
Time sent: 1414 hours
B'Elanna-
I think so. And, yes, I'm scared too.
-Tom
From: B'Elanna
Time sent: 1429 hours
Tom-
I think we're going to have to concede failure on this one. We've got nothing solid. I'm afraid that the pool is going to go on for a few more days, at least.
-B'Elanna
From: T. Paris, Who needs some romance in his life
Time sent: 1445 hours
B'Elanna-
I guess you're right. Well, that means I'm free tonight. Want to meet me in the mess hall in a half an hour?
-Tom
From: Torres
Time sent: 1455 hours
I think I could be persuaded. I'll be there, 1525 hours.
From: Chakotay, Commander
Time sent: 1500 hours
Kathryn-
You were right. I should have talked to the Doctor about his lecture last night. By the time I caught up to him today, he was in the middle of a maintenance session, and in no mood to talk. Not that I'm complaining. The Doctor not in the mood to talk is such a rare occurance that I was pleased to have seen it once before I left the ship.
Have you noticed that the crew has been acting oddly lately? Everytime I entered a room today, everyone stopped talking. I'm begining to feel like a leper.
Anyway, are we still on for the Holodeck at 1600 hours?
-Chakotay
P.S. And, Kathryn, I still don't know how you're doing it, but if you steal one more of my replicator rations for that sludge you call a beverage, I will loudly accuse you of touching my butt the next time we leave the bridge. That will give them something to talk about.
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time sent: 1518 hours
Chakotay-
You, too? I think Naomi and Mezoti have been following me for three hours now. They'd be a lot more effective at it if they'd stop giggling. Why do I sense the fine hand of Tom Paris in this somewhere?
What is the Doctor's lecture on this time? "Asexual reproduction of yeast cells," I think you told me this morning. I still don't believe it. Does anyone want to attend these things? I know we're both going to end up being roped into it. I expect you to keep me awake.
As to the Holodeck, you'd better believe it. I'm going to beat you at croquet if it takes me the rest of the trip home. I still think you're cheating...
-Kathryn
P.S. I don't have any clue as to what you're talking about. If you can't keep track of your own replicator rations, how is it my fault? And if you ever try putting me on the spot like that, I'll simply say, "I'm sorry, Commander, but you can't keep waving it in my face and expect me not to touch."
From: Chakotay, Commander
Time sent: 1532 hours
Kathryn-
You wouldn't dare.
-Chakotay
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time sent: 1540 hours
Chakotay-
Please. A Starship Captain never bluffs. Try it, and you'll find out. Actually, maybe I'll just take you up on your invitation and grab a handful of your butt.
-Kathryn
P.S. Neelix just told me he's packing some treats for us to try out. Something he talked over with B'Elanna, apparantly.
From: T. Paris, Ensign and B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time sent: 1550 hours
Harry-
You'll never believe what we just saw the Captain writing...