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E-mails n' Stuff

Some of the best Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. See more here and here.

• I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what; can't we all be brothers?
• When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
• As I felt the soft, cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes!
• Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
• The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
• Don’t mistake your speedometer for your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
• Why don’t they just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?
• To me, boxing is like ballet; except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
• Blow ye winds; like the trumpet blows! But without that noise.

You've probably seen the following E-mail or part of it but I can't resist:

• What passes for wisdom in the computer world…
• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up floppy disks?
• Error, no keyboard…press F1 to continue or Return to run setup
• "By all means, do not use a hammer" (IBM repair manual, circa 1925)
• Truisms
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
• A flashlight is a container for dead batteries.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
• IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everybody else.
• Two is not equal to three -- even for large values of two.
• Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
• A closed mouth gathers no foot
• A good scapegoat is hard to find.
• Definitions
• Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math
• Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
• Positive Self Image
• I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Humor
• Very funny, Mr. Scott. Now beam down my clothes.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart?
• A cauliflower is nothing but a cabbage with a college education.
• Give me ambiguity , or give me something else.
• Disclaimer
• "After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations." --H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare.

You can find collections of those funny E-mails that have been passed around, collected here, here and here.

Download my huge file of all the funny emails I collected over several years.
(I'll have to add it later when I have more server space.)

Check out the amazing, extended list of maybe 1000 answers to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" at James Dawe's site.
Also check out The Devil's Dictionary.
 

Quotes

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: 'Elephino!

If you love something, forget it, because it's not even gonna like you.  -Tom Minkler
(Or you could substitute another F word for "forget.")

Gonnorhea ain't nothing to clap about.

You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

We could go to The Museum of Tolerance...but I hate that place.  -Tom Minkler

A clean one:
Q:Why did the stop light turn red?
A: You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of an intersection.

Contributed by my Grandmother:
Q: Who were the first people to get insurance?
A: Adam and Eve - they felt they needed a little more coverage.

How do the "don't walk on the grass" signs get there?

Remember, nothing is so bad that it can't get worse.

You can't be late until you show up.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...
 

Stuff I Wrote

2 + 2 = 3.4  (net, after accounting fees)

So long, Diane...

Diane and I made this list of possible cat names

Serendupity

Aphorisms Redux  (New 10/03)

My Wedding E-mail Newsletter suggestions

Love isn't...

Fake Names For Testing Forms and Data Entry

Record Store Name Suggestions (They gave me a $75 credit for my efforts.
The point wasn't to be funny, I just put the link on this page because it's where all the other lists are.)

Top Wacky Song Titles

Top 13 "Men Working" signs:

13. Men Not Working
12. Men Wearing Goofy Fluorescent Hats And Scratching Their Balls
11. Women Not Allowed
10. Men Playing In Traffic
9. Men Sitting Around Eating Sandwiches
8. Men Making Crude Remarks About Chicks
7. Men Gawking And Drooling
6. Men Scratching Their Heads Trying To Figure Out What To Do
5. Men Trying To Stretch One Job Out To Last a Whole Year
4. Lazy Fuckers Not Doing A Damn Thing
3. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work
2. Men Masturbating
1. How Am I Working?  Call 1-800-DEAD BEAT

My responses to some of those one-sided E-mails (I'm afraid I might have lost these):
100 reasons it's great to be a guy/girl
Girlspeak/Guyspeak

My entries in the Lewinsky/Kaczynski Limerick challenge.  I lost these, goddamn it.
 
 

Links and Other People's Stuff

Desiderata and Deteriorata (First one "real," second one a classic from National Lampoon)

Rams 1999 NFL Schedule  (they got a little bit better since this...)

In memory of Ron and Nicole

Meetings

The Dilbert Zone

Sam Watterson, who created Calvin and Hobbes, is an absolute genius.

Check out the amazing collections of quotes compiled by Jon Winokur in his books:
The Portable Curmudgeon
Zen To Go

Life in the Slaw Lane by Kip Adotta

101 Things Not to Say During Sex

Abortion?

Kissing Hank's Ass: A Christian Parallel (added 2/28/01)

List of Humor Sites
Humor Archive  and here (some other links here are from these)
Monty Python
South Park at Comedy Central
The Thoughts of Steven Wright  or here
 

Please send more jokes; if you can make them up yourself, so much the better. Who actually makes these so-called "jokes" up in the first place anyway?

Say goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Dick!