.N MEMO N

To:

General Staff, Team Villain

From:

Evil Mastermind

Date:

17 August, 2003

Re:

Q3 Evil Plans

As you may or may not be aware, Team Villain has had a very challenging year both domestically and abroad in 2003.  Economic pressures have been severe, as we lost several million dollars due to the devaluing of our shares of TYCO stock.  The market has been characterized by a general ambivalence towards local support of evil organizations.  Additionally, the last couple of years have seen a marked upswing in our evil competition, with evil masterminds such as Herr Ashcroft and that crazy mofo Kim Jong Il enticing the lunatic fringe, long a bastion of Team Villain support, into their own respective camps.

As a result, the secret council and I convened an emergency meeting to address our situation and brainstorm our way back into preeminence.  Nearly all of us agreed that a spectacular display of evil fortitude was necessary to shore up our lagging support, and usher in a profitable fourth quarter in 2003.  The one dissenting vote came from Dr. Peebles, the evil billionaire who essentially bought his way onto the secret council.  Coincidentally, Dr. Peebles recently retired his position on the council.  And he died.  We will be taking a collection in his memory – proceeds will be used to fund evil projects (85%) and to recoup the expense of importing those expensive little flesh eating centipedes that eventually killed him (15%). 

Without further ado, the Secret Council is excited and proud to announce:

Drastic Urban Meltdown 2003!

You’ll be able to see all sorts of frantic and excited preparation for this quarter’s big operation!  We’ll have to pull together as one big happy evil family team, but the results will surely justify the effort!  By the end of August, we plan to have used our new patented Laser Satellite to vaporize a major metropolis.  The evil accolades will flow like a pre-congealed bloodletting, though we admit there will be a good deal of evil huzpah needed to successfully pull it off.  In a nutshell, we’ll be sending some of our evil crack crack evil units into downtown New Brickfield.  While there, they will distract the local population with mayhem, carnage, chaos, and Extreme Population Control.  Though enjoyable, fulfilling, and superb for evil morale, this sort of wanton behavior will simply be a cover for the real mission.  The crack team will ascertain the location of New Brickfield’s classic rock station, WSUK, and abscond with their 1000-Watt transmitter.  Our laser satellite, through some unanticipated superior artificial intelligence, apparently operates best when targeting stations that play those damn whiny classic rock songs over and over again.  Especially anything by that unbearable Springsteen fop.  Once the transmitter is in hand, we need only arm our sophisticated Evil computer program (written in EVIL Java), and the satellite will target and destroy the transmitter, along with anything else within a 5-mile radius.  As we say in the secret council, “Mu ha ha ha ha”.

So please, I ask every employee of Team Villain, give us 110% over the next couple of weeks as we prepare for DUM2003.  With our brilliant management team and your fawning lackeyism, Q4 can see Team Villain regain its preeminence as the World’s Most Evil Administration.

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