James H. Bird LCSW•home.earthlink.net/~jameshbird/•404-262-1819

Musings, November ’03

Elements of Healthy Coupling

I’ve been married for close to thirty-five years. For most of that time, I’ve worked with clients on their marriages. Here is some of what I’ve learned, offered as benchmarks. There are no textbook relationships.
• Partners develop a private language of word and touch that makes them special to each other, a duo apart from all others.
• Regardless of their style of “fighting,” partners keep fights limited in time, with a beginning, middle, and end.
• Making up after a fight becomes more important than winning or even resolving an issue. Resolving an issue may take many years and many attempts.
• Partners ask directly for what they want and take either a “yes” or a “no” for an answer. Liking the yes or no isn’t required.
• Partners develop conflict-free islands, like cuddling in bed, where fights are put aside to give a break in the action. These breaks provide time for nourishment and reassurance of commitment to one another.
• Some flirtation, play, and affection occur on close to a daily basis for the entire length of the relationship.
• Each partner has a source of emotional support outside of the relationship. The relationship itself has a source of emotional support outside of itself, people who support the commitment such as a religious group, extended family, or a couples therapist.
• The “feeling” of love comes and goes, but the “behavior” of love is ongoing. During a fight, the behavior of love shows in the effort to continue the working through process.
• Partners move toward accepting differences, boundaries, and the other’s need for space. “Joined at the hip” occurs only during sexual activity.
• Trust evolves away from a black and white issue and moves toward trust that the partner will hang in there and listen, when blaming, lecturing and leaving is easier.
• Partners spend regular time together away from kids, relatives, and friends.
• Partners call each other’s bluff. (If you’ve had this happen to you, you’ll know what I mean)