What If Someone Comes Out To You?

First understand the personal risk the person took in telling you. They have just placed a tremendous amount of trust in you for support and feedback. Please be honest and open, and acknowledge the risk they took in trusting you with this information. While you may be surprised or confused, say so.

Listen closely and try to keep an open mind.

Realize this person is not changed. This is still the same person you have known only now you know more about them.

Respect their choice to tell you by letting them know you will not tell anyone else this news. This person needs to come out to people at their own pace and by their own rules.

Please ask questions to help you understand. The following questions will help you show your support.
How can I be most supportive of you?
Who else have you told and how did they respond?
How long have you known you were gay?
What has it been like keeping this secret?

Considering Coming Out (or know someone who is)?

Coming out means identifying yourself as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. The first and toughest person you have to reveal this to is yourself. Then you can deal with family, friends, and co-workers. For many people, the coming out process is difficult. But most people come out because, sooner or later, they cannot stand hiding who they are anymore. Once they have come out, most people admit that it feels much better to be open and honest than to lie and hide.

Some people come out when someone asks them if they are gay or lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, “There’s something I have to tell you.” When you are ready to come out to your friends, family, manager, or co-workers, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or lesbian friends to help you. Members of GlobalAge can provide information on the experiences of others who have come out, the environment at different business locations, and the efforts of GlobalAge.

Workshops on Gay Issues in the Workplace:

These sessions offer employees a chance to discuss gay, lesbian, or gender related topics that are relevant to the workplace. Our goal is to develop interactive courses that teach you appropriate language, ask you to assess your workplace environment, and share real-life workplace experiences of our gay employees.

Building Bridges Through Language:

Talking with someone on a topic with which you are unfamiliar can be uncomfortable, especially when you do not possess the essential language to interact. Here are some words and phrases which can help in beginning a dialogue.

When referring to whom a person is attracted, use the term orientation. Orientation can be heterosexual (attraction to the opposite gender), homosexual (attraction to the same gender), or bisexual (attraction to the either gender). Homosexual is a perfectly acceptable term. Understand that it has a formal connotation – much like using someone’s last name. Sometimes the phrase sexual preference is used. Be aware that most people believe their orientation is not chosen, therefore the use of preference is inaccurate. Another phrase used to refer to homosexual people is alternative lifestyle, or lifestyle. A lifestyle speaks to where a person lives, organizations to which they belong, hobbies they may have – but not to their orientation.

Gay is the informal word for a homosexual person, and can be used for both men and women. Gay is more like using someone’s first name. It is an acceptable word. Lesbian is a term used exclusively for homosexual women.

The closet is a term used to describe disclosure of a person’s orientation. To be “in the closet” means that a person has either not chosen to disclose her or his orientation, or has disclosed it to select individuals and/or groups. To be “out of the closet” means to disclose one’s orientation.

There are many terms used to generically describe the “others’ in the life of a gay or lesbian person. Partner, boy/girl friend, spouse, significant other, or life partner are some of them. Try to avoid friend or roommate. While these terms may be technically accurate, they diminish the relationship (think about introducing the special person in your life as your “friend” or “roommate”).

A final thought that should help in building bridges when talking with gay and lesbian people – listen and ask. Listening will reveal terms and phrases you can use, and asking questions will help clarify things you do not understand.

The Business Case for Diversity:

In any relationship, trust is a component of effectiveness. Whether it’s a cross-functional team, a group of engineers working together, or workers on the same assembly line – collaboration requires trust.

How do you build trust? Trust comes only after people feel comfortable with one another; comfort comes only if there is familiarity and familiarity requires disclosure. Disclosure allows people to see who you are, what you do and what you want. Comfort comes when we understand our similarities and our differences. Trust is born when we can count on our behaviors, actions and performance to be consistent over time.

It takes courage and character to initiate disclosure. If you want disclosure – have the courage and character to take the initiative.

Everyone wants to think of themselves as fair minded, not bigots.

Employers need to understand that all workers need a safe and just corporate environment in order to work cooperatively and enthusiastically with others. Businesses today realize that the effectiveness of their work teams correlated directly to their competitiveness in the marketplace. So it makes good business sense to create an environment where gay, lesbian, and bisexual employees can be fully functioning members of work teams without having to hide their true identities.

The needs of gay employees (Wall Street Project):

1. A widely distributed and seriously addressed policy that prohibits discrimination based upon sexual orientation in recruiting, hiring, training, and promoting into all job levels;
2. A comprehensive, fully supported educational program for employees at all levels on gay issues in the workplace, to complement diversity on race, gender, and religion, among others;
3. A gay, lesbian, and bisexual business resource group (BRG) that, like other BRGs, serves to support its members, represent their concerns to management, educate the workforce, and represent the company’s product to outside constituents;
4. Spousal benefits to the domestic partners of gay, lesbian, and bisexual employees, equal to those provided to spouses of heterosexual employees;
5. A strongly enforced, well-distributed policy that prohibits discrimination against employees with HIV and AIDS.

Of these five basic needs on our list to employers, the most significant, and often lowest in priority, is education. While the other issues of concern are all very important, the most critical ingredient in creating a truly safe and productive work environment is diversity training.