With gay marriage at the forefront of debate, being visible is crucial to change. Here’s how to do it.

by Michelle Tschida (reprinted with author's permission)

The setting: An Indian restaurant in the ‘burbs.’ The characters: Me, my partner, one of our children and a rather flirtatious server named Carlton.  The plot: To come out or not to come out?  The scene: As my partner has taken our child to use the facilities, I am left alone to brave Carlton.  Our dialogue begins. “Can I get you anything?” Carlton asks. “Er, how about a to-go box?” I reply. Carlton (who apparently has noticed a sense of closeness between my partner and me) asks, “So, are you two sisters or just friends?” A hush falls over the audience as your reporter takes a deep breath.  Heart pounding in my throat, I reply, “We’re lovers.” Carlton, shocked, confused and I like to think a little crestfallen, says “Oh, I see,” as he practically runs from the table.

A seemingly insignificant event?  I don’t think so. With the current political climate, and the much-publicized gay marriage debate, now is the time for action. My part was to come out to poor Carlton. Now, what can you do?

You don’t have to be a Karen Clark or an Allan Spear to make a difference. Start in your community and be willing to take a few risks. Advance change one person at a time.  “The more we break down stereotypes, misconceptions and fear around GLBT couples, the more we will establish that we are citizens just like everyone else,” says Laura Smidzik, assistant director of Rainbow Families.  Living Out interviewed leaders from Twin Cities GLBT organizations for tips on what you can do to promote GLBT awareness in your community.

1. Be Visible  

First step, come out of the closet and stay out! Seems simple and maybe even a little redundant. Yet this is the most profound action you can take.  It is the springboard for all others.  “One of the main things that our community fights is the perception that there aren’t very many GLBT people in the community because a lot of folks are still in the closet,” says Bill Nienaber, public relations director of GLBT PRIDE/Twin Cities. And Smidzik gives an interesting tip for those of us with kids. “Be prepared to come out to your kids’ friends and to answer their questions,” she explains. “We are somewhat equipped to answer questions from adults but not from children.  

2. Get Connected

Hook up with some of the larger organizations in the Twin Cities.  Whether you want to get general support, help with starting a new GLBT organization or need educational resources, organizations like OutFront Minnesota or Rainbow Families are there to help. These organizations have spent years developing contacts in a wide variety of systems. “We are an easy point of access,” says Doug Federhart, a senior director of OutFront Minnesota. The larger networks can provide you with information on how to get active in your community while giving you the support you need to be successful.

3. Be a Resource

Help make it easier for others to be visible. Start a support group for other GLBT members in your area.  Here again, connection with a larger organization comes in handy.  Rainbow Families is one resource for parents. They use their newsletter, phone and email system to connect other parents.  How important are support groups? According to  Smidzik, support groups are invaluable.  “There is a tremendous comfort in being in a group of people like your own and we all need that to feed us and make us strong,” she says.  

4. Build a Network

A key to being an effective community member is developing personal relationships.  And through those relationships you build in your allies.  Let people know who you are and what you are about. Likewise, find out about them. Conversations are crucial.  According to Federhart, “People will listen enough to get a basic idea. It will give them something to think about.  Eventually some of those people become advocates themselves,” he says.

What kinds of people belong in your network?  Just about anyone.  What about your hairdresser who also happens to  style your school principals hair. Bingo! Then there’s your neighbor, whose brother just came out and happens to be  looking for some resources.  Such networking could result in your very straight neighbor deciding to hang a rainbow flag in support of gay marriages.

5. Volunteer

“In order to change a community you need to be IN it and not separate from it,” says Smidzik. Give back to your community and donate your time.  Find something you feel passionate about.  This doesn’t have to be gay or gay supportive activities, Federhart emphasizes. Look at the bigger picture.  What about a food drive, or teaching kids how to read?  How about delivering for Meals on Wheels or becoming a Big Brother or Sister?  Through this process (and since you have religiously adhered to the first step) you will become a caring community member, and also show people that the GLBT community is willing to help.

6. Write an Editorial

Ok, maybe this is a bold action.  But what the heck?  If you are already out in your community, it’s a risk worth taking.   Federhart says, “Sure, it’s  a little more of a public action, but lots of people are comfortable with that.” After all, your local newspaper reaches your community.  What better way to let them know about the issues their GLBT members’ face. 

7. Educate Your School System

If you are raising a family, start by being out to teachers, principals and other parents.  Once you are out, you can offer resources, distribute information and advocate bringing in educational tools for teaching about different families. Laura Smidzik played a role in implementing a program that teaches diversity in her children’s elementary school. “In the course of a year or two of knowing our families and hearing what was important to us, it was harder for the school administration to look the other way” she says. Also, it’s important to pay attention to policies and monitor what’s happening with the curriculum.  What does your school board look like? Federhart says that paying attention lets you know when something needs to be dealt with.

8. Speak Out

Tell your story.  Go to your local faith communities, schools, colleges or non-profit organizations and offer to share your experiences.  If that seems a little frightening and you haven’t brushed up on your Toastmaster skills, fear not!  OutFront Minnesota and Rainbow Families both have a speaker training program.  They can help you develop a speaking style, teach you how to organize a speech, and show you how to use humor.  They also teach how to deal with awkward questions. But even those awkward questions can have a benefit. “It is terrific modeling for our audience when one of our speakers is really clear and doesn’t get into an argument,” explains Federhart.  Still a little gun-shy?  That’s OK, because both OutFront Minnesota and Rainbow Families have trained speakers that are willing to come to your neighborhood and give speeches.  All you have to do is set it up.  

9. Join a Book Club

If you are passionate about reading, this may be the tip for you. Imagine this: There you are sitting in Ms. Daisy’s living room, having a cup of coffee, when you discover that it’s your turn to suggest the next book to read. According to Federhart, this is your golden opportunity to raise awareness and open up a wonderful discussion on your favorite topic. A couple of suggestions: Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods--- My Mother’s, My Father’s and Mine by Noelle Howey.  The book deals with the issue of transgender and the whole process of how the family dealt with this challenge.  Or how about Natural Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity by Bruce Bagemihl and John Megahan?  Or a fiction book such as Affinity by Sarah Water. Or one of the new books out on gay marriage?

10. Talk to your Local Politicians

According to Federhart, the most important step with your local government is to watch and monitor.  Make sure you know what’s going on in your community.  What is your public representative saying? Your elected officials?  Do your homework and find out where they stand.  “In that process you are going to find out your contact info,” says Federhart.  The next step is to make phone calls expressing your opinion.  “That is a basic that carries a pretty high level of privacy and confidentiality,” explains Federhart.

Kit Briem, executive director at Pfund, an organization that provides grants and scholarships to the GLBT community, takes it a step further.  She told me of a straight couple who turned a Republican’s vote.  “They basically invited him into their home to talk about their gay son,” says Briem.

Or perhaps you could take it yet another step up and run for office? It makes giving speeches look like a piece of cake.

So, get out there and do something good for the cause.

Oh, and by the way, Carlton never did bring me my to-go box. But I am not going to take it personally. One small step for humankind.