Domestic Violence

I’m honored to be with you today on this third Sunday of Lent, a time of self-examination, reflection, and repentance, to celebrate the Good News and share with you my work in the field of domestic violence prevention. I can’t think of a more appropriate time to be with you and talk about the work I do with people who are experiencing abuse in their relationships.

My agency, Family Crisis Services, has been around for about 30 years. We’ve had an office here in Bridgton, where I work, for more than 16 years, and I’m proud and a little saddened to say that we have helped hundreds if not thousands of people in their struggle to free themselves from lives filled with hurt and abuse. I’m also proud to say that we’ve forged many wonderful relationships with this community; our relationship with Rev. Bennett being one of them.

So when Rev. Bennett and I began brainstorming about today’s worship service and how I might participate, we discussed all kinds of images and metaphors related to today’s Scripture reading, The Woman at the Well. Rev. Bennett suggested that our offices, his and mine, could be thought of as “wells,” places people go to be heard and have their needs met. To have their thirsts quenched. And the Samaritan woman could represent all who come to us for support, acknowledgement, comfort, options, and help with their safety. And we realized that all of us, in our own ways, have been called to help seekers repair their physical, emotional and spiritual health. We have all, like Jesus in today’s reading, been called to help others see that God does not want us to live in fear. Nor does God want us to abuse others. And He will show us how to reach out for help.

And so I am here today to talk about domestic violence.

In the simplest terms, domestic violence is when one person deliberately hurts another person with whom he or she is having a close relationship. It can be between husbands and wives, gay and lesbian partners, dating partners, mothers and sons, fathers and daughters. The abusive person will use whatever tactics he thinks is necessary – intimidating, threatening, name calling, and physical force – to get his way. To control his victim and get what he wants. Because the abusive person believes he deserves to get his own way, so he gives himself permission to hurt someone else with his words and actions. Today I am going to talk mainly about men’s violence against women because even though abusive people come in all shapes, sizes, ages and gender, 95% of abusers are men. And one in three women has been abused at some point in their lives.

I want to begin by telling you a little about a woman I’ve been working with. I’ll call her Mary, although that is not her real name. Mary lives in fear and came to see me on a very bad day of her life. She has been married for 20 years and has 2 teenagers. She told me the day we met that she had been locked in her basement by her husband after they’d argued all weekend. This wasn’t something new, she was used to his rages, but his actions seemed to be escalating. He called her names that I won’t repeat in church, destroyed her cell phone so that she couldn’t call for help, took her car keys away, and finally assaulted her, pushed her down the basement stairs, and locked the door.

That day Mary was like the woman at the well, and I listened, hearing her story and understanding that it was like so many other stories I have heard during the course of my work. The first thing I did was tell Mary that she wasn’t alone. That many other women were in the same situation as she was. I told Mary that the abuse wasn’t her fault. I told Mary that she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. And we worked together on a plan so that she could begin healing and would be safe in her own home.

Mary has been in an abusive relationship for a long time, and her journey is far from over. But like the Samaritan woman who had many barriers to getting help but never wanted to be thirsty again, Mary was at a point where she was able to reach out and ask me for support. She didn’t want to be afraid anymore, and she found the strength to get help. She was ready for her thirst to be quenched.

Mary’s story is a common one, but we don’t often hear it. Women who’ve been abused have been told that they are no good, called vile names, told they are rotten mothers, lovers and wives until they believe it themselves. They’ve been threatened with losing their children, threatened with losing their homes, their money, their mental health, and many times, losing their lives.

Too often, women who’ve been abused by their partners also get abused by the people and systems they turn to for help. Their partners blame them for the abuse. Law enforcement officers sometimes don’t believe them. Judges may decide against them in Court. Their families and friends blame them for the abuse by asking: What did YOU do to enrage him? Why don’t YOU leave him? Why do YOU stay? I want to suggest today that we need to change our ways of thinking, stop blaming victims and ask another question: Why does HE abuse? Why does HE do that to her?

If you do this work you know that abuse is not an accident. It is a choice. And in preparation for my talk today, I found that God puts the blame for abuse right where it belongs – on the person who chooses to abuse. In Cor. 3:16, God said:

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and that temple you are.

Our homes and our intimate relationships should be places of refuge and comfort - free of violence. And whether you are a young wife being abused by your husband, a senior being abused by your own grown child, or a gay man or lesbian woman being abused by your partner, God wants you to know you deserve better treatment. He says that those who choose to hurt and destroy His temple will themselves be destroyed. If this is happening to you, I want you to remember that you are God’s temple and that means you deserve reverence not abuse.

I want to make it clear that most men are not batterers. Most men are loving husbands, fathers and sons. But the men who choose to batter are everywhere and everyone – they are firemen and teachers, fishermen and loggers, lawyers and judges, doctors and clerks. And some of them are Christian. And some of them live in Bridgton. Yes, they are your co-workers, neighbors, friends and brothers. We may not want to believe it, to see it, but it’s true.

I said that abuse is not an accident. It is a choice. It is a choice that some men make because they believe it is their right to do so. They give themselves permission to hurt and control others so that they get their way. And most of the time they get away with it because not enough of us are telling them that their behavior is wrong. They’re counting on that because the only thing they want us to do is Nothing.

We rarely talk about domestic violence in church, but I want you to know that the church community can play a critical role in ending it. And church is the perfect place to talk about it because that’s where our spiritual family is. We can, each man and woman here today, take a stand against domestic violence. I hope I have helped you see that domestic violence is not just some abstract term that happens to other people, living somewhere else. In a community such as ours where people care about their friends and neighbors, domestic violence happens to All of us if it happens to One of us. And if it’s happening to someone you love, you know what a devastating effect it is having in your life, too.

When it comes down to it, domestic violence is really a problem with peace. It is a social problem and a human rights problem when we use our violent and abusive language and actions to get our way. It’s a spiritual problem when we ignore the word of God and seek to destroy others. All people have the right to justice, freedom and dignity. People who use violence against others seek to strip others of their dignity. People who use violence against others want to take away another person’s freedom. And God says they have no right to do so.

You are very lucky at the First Congregational Church to have a pastor who knows about the dynamics of domestic violence and how to work with people who are experiencing it in their lives. I wonder if you recall that, from this church, from our town, Pastor Bennett has served as one of Maine’s representatives in a national training as a ‘trainer or support person’ for Pastors who are involved in DV counseling situations? I invite you to take advantage of him - contact him - for more information about domestic abuse, for confidential support, and spiritual guidance, or call me, or call the 800 number in the brochures that I have brought with me today. That number will connect you with a trained volunteer who can answer your questions. You can do that anonymously if you wish.

I hope now that you know me a little bit you will feel comfortable coming to see me in my office in the LEA building on Main Street I hope that you’ll be aware of the signs of abuse, support victims by believing them and not judging them. Not blaming them. Consider ways you can help them stay safe. I hope that you’ll tell men who are abusive to their partners that what they are doing is wrong. Offer them your prayers, yes, but let them know that you hold them accountable for their behavior. Ask them to get help. I ask each of you, and especially the men here today, not to look the other way.

I want to end by saying that until men who abuse change their thinking, they won’t change their behavior. It is really very difficult to do and something their partners ask me all the time if is possible. It is possible, BUT it requires a DAILY commitment to examine their behavior, understand and accept responsibility for their choices, and then choose non-controlling, non-violent behaviors. It is truly hard work. But here’s the Good News - We can help them to change their thinking. We can say that it’s wrong. We can help spread the word, like the woman at the well did, that we are all God’s temple and not one of us deserves to be abused.

Thank you!

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