REALLY FOREIGN AFFAIRS

The Lighter Side of Government

Lawyer Wanted

- I'm going to jail and I want to go in style. Yep - I've entered into the twilight zone of Washington, D.C. where the truth is unknowable. There are no Starrs but there's a desperate need for a light that shines on the government's unwillingness to be held accountable to the folks who pay the bills. Since they don't want to hold up their end of the bargain and provide the services we're paying for, I figure I just won't pay them. Then, I'll get free services from them - like room, board, court appointed lawyer and a day in court. I won't have to pay to get them into court, (you have to have their permission if you try anyway). All this is just as trick to get them to produce the documents I've been requesting, under the Privacy Act and Freedom of Information Act, for almost a year. They don't feel they need to be held accountable. That makes sense - after all the government doesn't make mistakes, right! The documents may actually indicate they did something wrong. I made repeated requests to the guy who probably wrote some of the documents. First he told me to ask someone else. Then he said he didn't have any "letters". Then, when pressed about the documents in question, he said; "Our files were not kept very well because of the absence of an Admin Secretary until just two months ago." (as Dave Berry would say "I'm not making this up!" - I have this in writing). Ahhh technology - it used to be "the dog ate my term paper right out of my typewriter". I suggested that he check his hard drive and even suggested some likely file names where the numbered document might be found. Well - I never heard from him again. I guess he disappeared - in the Twilight Zone! Or, maybe he's been made Ambassador to The Territory of the Afars and Issas.

Now, I'm sure they're clever enough to figure out they should put me in jail so I need a lawyer - to help me convince them that I'm a criminal kind of guy who should be incarcerated in one of their country clubs. Lawyers have lots of experience dealing with the government because lawyers write the laws and we are a government of laws, right? No? Sometimes? Maybe? I need a lawyer to manipulate the system. Since my legal rights (there's that phrase again) have been marginalized anyway - without breaking any laws - what the hell! My lawyer will need to understand words like Obfuscate and Equivocate as well as concepts like Plausable Deniability and legal phraseology. For example "I think I don't remember" means "I'm not answering that question and you can't make me, nyeah, nyeah, nyea nyea, nyeah". It's so frustrating it's enough to drive a man to drink! Max, Roberto, Bruce, Willy - this one's for you! More To Come. Recycle this garbage Donald!

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Have a - "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you!" - story?

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GALAXY PLC - ERITREA

In the meantime, here are the results of an experiment conducted by my friend Gebrekidane Gebreziher. Gebre is an odd fellow. He is the General Manager of GALAXY PLC in Eritrea and also an aerospace engineer. Gebre packed my belongings in a shipping container bound for the U.S. of A. He stacked everything, unsecured in one end of the container. The photo (mouseover image) at left shows the contents upon arrival. Is this a self-organizing system or did gravity do this? Was there a strange attractor? Is this chaos? Are objects effected by turbulence part of the system? Did they (my belongings) do this to themselves as Gebre has concluded? (Suitcase-cide?)
The good news is, Gebre didn't put all my things in the container. The bad news is, he won't tell me what he did with them.

EARTH CALLING GEBRE -
YOU DID IT !

Guess Who Paid for This?

Our government is making an effort to convince the tiny little governments that depend on us for a$$i$tance to adopt a policy of "transparency" in the conduct of their affairs. Try to get some information from our "transparent" government! Department of Justice, Office of Information and Privacy

Max Walton is under a rock in an undisclosed location

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