Invisible Scars
by Kay Nuyens
We acknowledge people who are physically challenged. Their difficulties are
obvious. However, there are many people walking around with invisible scars,
and they too need to be acknowledged. A high percentage of people are the victims
of verbal aggression, and unlike those physically abused, go without any protection.
They live with anger, fear, and guilt. If one hears occasional verbal abuse
it may not seem significant, but it can become toxic! Many diseases are known
to be stress related including depression and heart disease.
Verbal abuse is language thatıs harmful to oneıs spirit. As I listen to clients
share this deep hurt, I realize that severe chronic stress has damaged both
body and mind. Often the victims are just relieved that there is no physical
abuse. They feel that they are just "too sensitive" so their emotional
reactions are their own fault. Sometimes they donıt even realize this verbal
abuse underlies the cause of their own misery. It has become a lifestyle in
which they have become accustomed. Awareness that one is a victim of verbal
abuse is the first step for change. The next step is to refuse to play the game.
If you need help getting out of this cycle, please look for a mental health
professional to assist you. We all deserve a life that is harmonious and healthy.
We are here to heal ourselves.
I believe that verbal abuse is at the root of physical violence. When I worked
as a school counselor, I saw how other children hurt others with their words.
Often they thought it was humorous, and could not understand why the victim
took it so seriously. I reminded children that if the other person isnıt laughing,
it isnıt funny! Children learn to think it is permissible to cause otherıs pain,
and even become callous about othersı suffering. I believe that we must first
rid our country of verbal violence if we are ever going to solve the problem
of physical violence. The step between the two is slight.
Verbal abusers are dependent on the attention they get from their victims.
It is their "fix." Verbal abusers need a participant. It becomes a
codependent situation. Clients have shared how they have tried to be "assertive"
by being verbally abusive back to their partners. They may plead and cry to
arouse sympathy, or even try to reason with them. Unfortunately, though these
women were trying to protect themselves, it only made matters worse. This behavior
actually rewards the abuser.
The origins of verbal abuse begin in our homes. Children are not held responsible
for the pain they inflict on brothers and sisters because itıs just "normal"
sibling rivalry. If children canıt take the teasing, they are seen as wimps
or sissies. Youngsters who are verbally abusive may even be admired because
they come on witty and strong. Often these bullies instill fear. Confronting
them is a frightening experience!
Parenting can be challenging and cause much weariness. When there are battles
going on in the home, there is a lack of harmony and peace. Home is filled with
tension. It is inevitable and even normal that brothers and sisters fight. Itıs
how kids learn to negotiate, problem solve and deal with feelings. Itıs also
important to realize that that there are steps we can take to minimize problems.
Each day we have a new opportunity to model the values we want to promote in
our children.
If parents consistently battle, children learn it is an acceptable way to handle
problems. If children are physically punished, they learn it is all right to
hurt those you love. If parents are derogatory with one another, children learn
that "put-downs" are acceptable. We want our children to feel loved
unconditionally through our facial expressions, our hugs and our words of encouragement.
These youngsters are our gifts to future generations. We want them to flourish
and be responsible adults.
We have the right to expect each other to show respect and common courtesy.
I encourage all families to set some family rules for acceptable behavior. Post
them. Then look for and reinforce positive behavior. Catch children being good!
Acknowledge specifically the good behavior you noticed. Children want
to please and receive desirable attention. Bedtime is a great time to spend
a few minutes individually with each child.
Creating a positive family environment is essential. If you are having challenges
in this area, many school districts offer parenting classes. Please call and
inquire. No one taught us how to do this work, yet it is the most significant
work we have to do! We can change the world one family at a time. We can eliminate
the visible and invisible scars with the right tools and intention. We can choose
to make this world a better place beginning with us.
I want to share a poem written by Dorothy Nolte. This hung in our home and
in my classroom as a reminder that our actions affect children.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty,
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship,
They learn to find love in the world.
Kay Nuyens, MA, CCH author of "Invitation to Greatnessa Workbook for Personal Growth" website: http://www.changingfocus.net
