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:: LETTER TO THE BOSS ::
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by
Patrick McManus
Mr. Clare Conley
Editor-in-Chief
Outdoor Life
New York, N.Y.
Dear Clare:
Good news! You know that expensive new camera you thought you had lost on the Montana fishing trip with me and Jim Zumbo? Well, it turned up. It was still in the drift boat, wedged up under the bow cover! Can you believe it?
I thoroughly enjoyed our little outing together. It was a fairly typical fishing trip for me. Thank goodness! You can imagine how nervous a fellow gets the first time he takes his boss on an outing, no matter how commonplace or trivial it might be. You just never know when something might go wrong. I have to chuckle every time I recall your wondering aloud at the party in Kalispell the night before whether it would be safe to go fishing with me. Remember? You said, "All the crazy adventures McManus writes about, you sometimes wonder if some of them might actually be true. Wouldn't it be funny if he turned out to be as crazy as he writes!"
Boy, that line got a great laugh from everybody at the party. I'm sure all those present would have thought it just as funny if they hadn't been your employees. I for one thought it was a real thigh-bruiser. Anyway, I guess you know now that I am a fairly normal guy, even though my imagination does carry me away at times.
Oh, about the camera. As soon as it dries out, I'll rinse it good with gasoline to get rid of all the sand and rust. Then I'll send it off to you posthaste, because I'm sure you're anxious to see what kind of pictures it takes. I don't know much about photography but I suspect some of the pictures may have been damaged, because the film was sort of all lumped together and I probably scratched it quite a bit when I dug it out of the camera with a stick. I wasn't sure but I thought gasoline might affect the film adversely. Let me know if any of the pictures turn out, particularly the one of Zumbo's big fish.
I thanked Alan Christianson of the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation and David Moles for loaning us the drift boat. Alan joked that he was just glad to get it back in one piece! Ha ha! You did hear that we found the boat, didn't you? It was hung up under a log a couple of miles downstream from the rapids. O1' David knows how to build a sturdy drift boat. Aside from a few scratches, it was in great shape, even after being winched up the wall of the canyon.
The only other borrowed equipment we lost was one oar. You, of course, saved one of the oars by clinging to it even through the worst of the rapids. A less considerate and responsible person would simply have let the oar shift for itself, and would have struck out for the shore, although the canyon walls are so steep there you probably couldn't have got out anyway. Did you know that? You did the wise thing, which is to float a couple thousand yards down through the canyon, even if you had to spend half the time underwater. Better safe than sorry I always say.
You remember the life jacket you and I had that friendly little tug-of-war over just prior to capsizing? Well, even that turned up, on a gravel bar downstream from Bonners Ferry, Idaho. It still had the imprints of your fingers on it! Only kidding! Ha ha! Even though you probably are aware of this, I should explain that I wasn't trying to wrest the life preserver from you, and I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I was merely attempting to assist you in putting it on. I tried to tell you this at the time, but the roar of the rapids and Zumbo's screaming, "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" probably drowned--unfortunate word that--out my voice, or maybe even caused you to think I had actually shouted something like "Give me that, you ~!"
Think about it. Would an employee shout something like that at his boss, particularly after he had just been promised a large raise? Sure, the raise involved the life preserver, although that certainly had nothing to do with my assisting you in putting the preserver on.
(By the way, the raise hasn't shown up on my paycheck yet. In fact, the paycheck hasn't shown up yet. Would you mention this to the comptroller?)
Don't be too hard on Zumbo. I realize that the little mishap was totally his fault, but keep in mind that he has written a lot of great stories for the magazine over the years. Still, after all the time he and I have kicked around together, he should have realized I don't know a thing about rowing a drift boat. Jim was certainly remiss in not arguing more forcefully that I not be allowed to row, because he more than anyone should have realized that my claim to having vast experience in handling drift boats in rapids was merely an attempt to introduce a little comic relief into the situation. Also, I thought it might take your mind off the treble-hook spinner dangling from your ear. And I guess it did that all right! Ha ha! Seriously, though, I think it would have been wise for you to let me remove the hook with my pocket knife, because, unlike drift-boat rowing, I do have vast experience removing hooks from ears and even more private parts of the anatomy.
Did I mention that Zumbo bumped my arm just as I was getting ready to make that cast? I don't think it was deliberate, but who can tell about Zumbo?
Please keep in mind that the whole idea for us to do a fishing trip together was Zumbo's. But, as I say, don't be too hard on him. He apparently didn't detect the jesting tone in your shouted threats when you chased him out of the canyon with the oar, which is probably why he lit out for the mountains immediately after the trip and hasn't been seen since. If by any chance you were serious about those threats, I will try to discover his whereabouts for you. What are friends for, I always say.
Any chance you can make it out West for a hunting trip with me this fall? My friend Retch Sweeney has offered to guide, if you could see your way clear to send five hundred dollars in advance so he can make bail. Don't expect any great amount of excitement. It would just be a typical McManus hunting trip. We'd love to have you along. Think about it.
And please, do stop by the comptroller's office and ask about my check.
Best regards,
Pat
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